I messed up really bad
Hi, i am a teenager 17F , im using this as a burned account. So Ive been dating this lovely girl lets call her Hannah for this 19F. We have been in a secret relationship for almost 3 months now. I love her, i really do, Ive loved her for a long time, we have known eachother for almost 2 years, we meet in a really strict church thats why we keep it a secret, only our friends know about us. She has been struggling with her mental health a lot because of her very toxic Christian family and exams coming up. We are barely able to see eachother and that eats at my soul. She barely texts me either and that also hurts me. She is older and stuff but she has made some immature statements about some stuff that have really bothered me a lot those are fixable tho.
I feel like i dont have hope for our relationship, i am with her because she makes me happy and i wanna live these happy moments even tho i know they wont last. She will on a christian 6 month course to another country and i feel like that will affect us a lot and after that move to collage in a place that is about 7 hours away on train, i am not allowed to travel by train, my parents are not strict but they have their boundaries. I feel like that 6 month trip will be the end of us.
So one of my good friend who always gives me the beat advice has told me to detach so i wont be that heartbroken when it happens. Too late for that. I have had a lot of situations where i had the chance to cheat but i never did. Until today. I was out with a friend and things got out of hand, it didn’t last long, only about 15 minutes max and it was because i wasn’t feeling right cheating. I feel awful now and i wanna throw up. I am disappointed and disgusted with myself. I regret it. A lot.
This is very unlike me, i love her a lot, i have her name written on my wall, i have pictures of her everywhere on my phone and in my room, im spending all my money on her, i am trying my best to show how much i love her and even if this relationship between us hurts me a lot i cant let her go. Ive gotten in multiple fights with parents about me ditching family time just to see her just for a few minutes because she cant spend more time than that because of her parents.
What do i do now?