u/Exotic_Rope_5375

Okay so I am a very petite girl. I am 4'11 and currently weigh 126... and my mother and everyone calls me "fat" and although they're not saying it to be malicious(I don't think so)  but its starting to make me feel some type of way and how i view my body ... like for instance when i was younger my mother would constantly mentation how i was flat and didn't have any ass (even now she does this) and so growing up it was always an insecurity (kinda still is ) of mind, I was so insecure about this that I would compare my butt to the other girls and think “what don’t I have that” and especially as a black girl where we are stereotypical thought of to have a more full figured body compared to others.. I would be jealous of the white girls with butt and think “how does she have more butt then me and I’m black” as if my skin color automatically made me thicker. 

I also have an older sister who is 2 inches shorter than me and weighs like maybe 80-90 pounds and I think maybe that is kinda where it stems from because i am always kinda getting compared to her because apparently we look alike and I sometimes get mistaken for her by her friends. 

Like I would go outside and i would be wearing some shorts and my mom would once again mentation how flat i am and then comment about how fat I am which really messes me up because she herself is actually fat(theres nothing wrong with being fat but yk) and until recently I have been trying to gain weight after taking some medicine that affected my diet (I already don’t have a big appetite)  so like i was maybe eating once every so weeks if you didn’t include snacking …I went from 115 to 60 pounds and like calling me fat when I’m trying to up my weight after being underweight io meaning like would you rather I not eat and lose weight or eat what little i already do eat and gain weight only to here your comments about being fat… and then like as my family actively so i was gaining weight they said stuff like “oh ??? your getting fat” or when i wore some shorts and bra my cousin looked at me and said “ I i thought you you where supposed be skinny you fat” (mind you those comments are from a few years ago but still)

And because of the weight gain some of my pants don’t fit like i can’t even suck my stomach in to button them up because they hurt to much and I know bcs i am short the weight will care differently on me but its just so irritation because ik there are people who would love to be my weight and i just feel like i am complaining over nothing but everytime i look in the mirror all i see is how fat my stomach looks and they already think im lazy and stuff like that… they made comments when i was younger (around age maybe 12 or 14) about how when im older and live by myself im gonna be the sister that gets fat and unhealthy(and that made me really sad and stuck with me because like how did/do u guys view me think of that)and it makes me wanna start losing weight again or do something to flatten my stomach because i can’t even where a tight skirt without thinking about how my belly feels out the top. 
Or even when they see my feet they always comment how ugly they are like wtf do my feet need to be pretty their feet, like I’m currently trying to learn how to paint my own toe nails and i’m only doing dark green and like it was some weeks after the paint started chipping off my aunt looked at my toes and asked me who did that and i was like me and she looked at me in confusing/ idiot  like i would be dumb enough to only paint some of my toes fully or only paint the top parts of some of my toes (like I’m not some stupid idiot that doesn’t know that you have to paint to whole toes … )

And i’m sorry for writing something so long and it being all over the place. I just needed to get this off my chest in a more anonymous way without the fear of them reading it if i write or type it down any where else.