"sheikh chilli"... a failure's story
I am scoring 100-110/240 (SC cat, PCM aspirant) in iat 2026 acc to the provisional answer key...
i don't know what to do now...
wanted to share my story here since I have no one to talk to... (father has a transferable job... moved through 6 total schools in my life and never had good friends... aaj apna dukh dard share krne ka Mann hua, socha yaha aake kr du...)
DISCLAIMER: long story. and please, I'm not here to flex or anything. I'm just fed up of everything and just wanted to vent out.
...
greetings, strangers on reddit
me 17M.
I've dreamt of IISc ever since I was in 9th grade... always wanted to become a researcher in experimental HEP and wanted my BS to be strong as well, so I planned for IISc...and I literally planned every single year of my life according to it, 2026-2035, ik it's a silly move, but still...
my 8th grader self who listened to Richard Feynman lectures and got Griffiths' QM for fun... my 9th grader self who studied calculus and higher math and chemistry (I finished class 11 RD Sharma math full, and class 12 RD Sharma math calculus chapters, and many cengage chemistry chapters, all exercises, mains and advanced both, when I was in 9th grade... took a personal tutor for it... and yea just like y'all nerds even I watched those math/physics for fun youtube videos too but nvm that doesn't count)... has failed today...
his dream of becoming a researcher is still alive, however the "desires" of his child-self... are on the verge of being turned into dust...
Jabse mene ye sab khudse padhna shuru kiya tha, tabse mujhe interest tha... aur lagta tha ki mera ho jaayega pehle attempt mein hi...
11th shuru hui, papa ka transfer ek achhi jagah se ek bekar jagah ho gya jaha achhe coaching nhi the... to humko waha jaana pada...
Even then was like "nah I can do this" and got admitted in a big coaching institute (not naming it here)
From the inside, though, it was just kinda decent.. lots of fluctuations in classes... and rarely any mock tests, which too were rarely available offline so most people gave from home and cheated... phir marks mere kam dikhte to parents ko lagta mai kharab hu😭tabse mere ghar ka environment bhi toxic hone laga... parents started calling me "sheikh chilli"- who only dreamt but never did...
Then, sone pe suhaga, wo coaching band ho gyi😭 is jagah pe wo coaching 19 saal se thi aur jis saal meri baari thi tab hi band hua😭😭
so like, saare subjects mein last ke chapters speedrun kraye humko... and humko bola tha ki coaching band hone se pehle 15 din lambe classes rakhenge usme 11th revise krayenge (like they probably do in good coachings)... kuchh nhi kraya... phone number band krke sab chale gye... stranding us alone...
now here I was with a decent-ish 11th class prep, looking for another decent coaching at my place...
Phir jisme admission liya mene, waha se har saal achhe rank aate, to humlog bhi advertisement dekhke chale gye... big blunder...
class mein total 70 bacche, and extremely cramped classroom as well. even more fluctuations in class timings and like, teachers ka jab Mann krta tab aate tab nhi aate is type ka haal😭
but I still carried on and studied day and night... thinking mera ho jaayega...
Soon after my 12th started I found out about IAT, and I wanted to study a little bit of biology the whole year too, and wanted IAT to be my main aim rather than jee... kyuki mujhe coaching ka haal dekhke lag gya tha yaha pe shayad mera kaam kharab ho skta...
coaching mein teeno subjects mein achha nhi padhate... even tho one of the teacher was literally an IIT KGP alumnus...
and I messed up ESPECIALLY in physics...
meri kuchh galtiya hongi... lekin meri physics kharab, usme meri poori galti nhi thi... humara phy ka teacher achha nhi tha... no one liked him... he just entered the class blurted out random stuff whatever he wanted to tell in class, and said "5-10 pyq kr lena, kaam khatam" and went away...
it was so bad, humko poora modern physics 2 ghanta mein padhaya tha sir ne, aur ray optics 5 lectures mein poora chapter khatam... our phy syllabus ended IN JANUARY FIRST WEEK mind you... itna kam frequency clases ka....and that acc to him was "enough for clearing jee advanced"...
and there are many other things, but still, I think y'all understand what I'm trying to say...
Slowly I started losing hope and started getting lesser and lesser in mock tests...
Then it got so bad... I just stopped giving mock tests... panick hi hota tha wo dekhke mujhe...
but still, from mid-december I just, like your average jee aspirant, spent 14-15 hours studying...
Then one week before jee mains jan, I started attempting 2025 PYPs... and got 150-160/300 marks in them... to thoda confidence aaya... ki thik thak percentile aa hi jaayegi...
phir jee main hua... meko 22s2 mila...
whatever the hell happened there idk, I got 65/300 marks and 83.3%ile...
my first ever failure in life... I had never, ever failed so bad in life...
tabse mai depression mein chala gya... yk the "smile on a face but dead from the inside" typa depression...
I very well take responsibility of whatever happened. meri practice aur tayyari mein kami reh hi gyi hogi jarur, isliye esa hua mere saath.
kyuki hamare coaching mein bhi 70 class 12 students+50 droppers milake 2 logo ke 99+ percentile aa gyi.. so parents were convinced saari galti coaching waalo ki to nahi hai...meri hi hai...
then from the very next day itself, I purchased a video lecture batch subscription (I think y'all know which one) and grinded... and lost track of myself...
I studied stuff which was not taught in detail in the coaching, and practiced even more and more questions...
I had a massive loss in appetite, and broke contact with all teachers and classmates... stopped going to the tuition as well... I felt scared going out now, even though I knew no one cares, I created a mental image of myself where I am but a source of mockery SINCE, even after being involved in this kinda study since smaller grades, I couldn't do well the one time I had to. sheikh chilli. I could only dream but couldn't do.
and from the inside I somewhere knew... I'm actually becoming dumber and dumber day by day... I'm becoming a question solver machine... but that is the reality I had to accept, and I did.
mains2 ke pehle bahut mock tests diye... 120-140 marks aa jaate... thoda bahut confidence aaya phirse...
phir mains 2, 5s1, got 104/300 marks, 90.36%ile... not a great score but like, better than last time at least...
I was kinda relieved... even my parents became more supportive... even played my keyboard after 6 whole months...
but then from the next day itself I went straight to advanced preparation.
I became that kinda crazy again, like I was after mains 1. loss of appetite ke saath saath trichotillomania (habit of constantly pulling and snatching hair) bhi develop kr liya....
but I didn't want to stop. I had a dream and I knew this is the cost I'm paying for not being serious in studies. galti ki hai, bhugatna to padega...
I spent a lot of time doing only advanced level problems from various sources.
I wanted to start studying biology as well for IAT. but I was denied, since I was told by parents to focus on jee advanced only.
they had more hopes from me than I did.
attempted several mocks and 2021-2025 papers, averaged on ~100/360 marks, mujhe tabse hi pata tha jee advanced se mera nhi hone waala IISc ya IITM mein even with reservation, and really wanted to just stop punishing myself and start doing IAT prep since when I saw the kind of questions that were asked I was pretty intrigued and thought "yaar ye to ho jaayega merese"...
again... sheikh chilli..
all I ever wanted was to "spend 15 hours a day in a dry lab writing a thesis or doing learning something in genuinely interested in, rather than spending 15 hours a day solving these useless ahh jee questions"...
so JEE was not just my ticket to the universities I aimed, but also a mechanism to escape this misery. and by misery I mean it. other than all the depression and stuff I also started getting hallucinations and stuff, of random things happening to me, while studying...
like sometimes I saw myself in an unknown place among unknown people, just standing there... many a times I imagined myself infodumping someone about a topic I know about, like I remember I once randomly caught myself explaining the warfare mechanics of Battle of Cannae to a wall... I felt really bad about myself... like WTH am I doing...
but I knew that this is a very normal thing for students and not just a me thing, so I ignored them. ofc people go crazy while studying, I can't be the only one right? I'm the one responsible for my mistakes at the end right? ofc I'll face the consequences.
and then another disaster.
my grandpa got a severe asthma attack and was in an extremely critical condition, and on 5 may, 12 days before jee advanced, I had to move with my parents to jaipur (our family house)...
we had to rent a small apartment near the hospital... and for the entire day the house remained chaotic... and we had to move to the hospital often...
so my final days preparation was ruined... everyone in the house tried their best to not disturb me but some collateral damage was inevitable...
Phir JEE Advanced hua. 48/360 marks.
Devastated.
Now I didn't know at ALL what to do, since I was not allowed to study bio for iat as well, and neither this score could get me IISc or IITM...
I have no idea what went wrong EVERY TIME in EVERY EXAM I GAVE, sabme mocks mein zyada aate aur asli paper mein usse bahut kam...
ab ummeed hi chhod di thi mene...
then we returned to Jaipur after my jee advanced, to where my grandpa was... and I was back in that chaotic environment... with IAT as my final hope now...
phir mene kuchh bhi krke bio padha.. genetics unit, cell unit, ecology unit and biotechnology unit... 15 din mein sab nipta diya... uske alawa jitni chize yaad ho paati utni ki....
then I did 2021-2025 IAT papers... I got 170-180 marks in them.
when I checked the cutoffs for IISc I found out that I was in the expected range for SC cat...
before this, I never looked at category cutoffs. but this time i didn't want to lose... I had no other option but to rely on category cutoffs....this was my last chance. so I decided to anyhow maintain that baseline and not get any lesser in the actual paper, like I did in JEE...
also did acegrade mocks, I got 175 in the free one and kinda lesser in the other mocks, but I was well within or near the range...
also did PW pragyan batch mocks... they were actually hard, and I got to like 130-140 range in them, but I was like "nah I can do this" and was optimistic...
again... sheikh chilli...
throughout my journey whenever I was hit with depression, I always imagined getting the admission offer letter, and like, following that 10 year plan I made... I never thought of bad things happening to me and told my parents the same... to be optimistic... and to keep me away from negative thoughts...
and it wasn't even like I was blinded by dreams alone, I was indeed getting that much scores in mocks and previous year papers, and I thought it wasn't possible for me to fail like I did in JEE...
again... sheikh chilli...
and here I am. 100-110 expected score. IISc gya.
no idea what went wrong. this time I was super confident, and my parents trusted me more than they ever did too.
they saw me lose my health. my mom sometimes tears up and says "how long has it been since I saw you smile?"
But I knew thats a normal thing, I'm not the only one suffering okay? everyone does.
Now I am torn apart between two paths-
- (what my parents say): I take a drop year, this time in an actual good coaching in our home city Jaipur. OR, we go to our current coaching, talk to the teachers about my situation, and do my drop here from this coaching itself (since it's a small coaching the teachers know the students well and interacting with teachers is easier, but yes the inconsistencies exist).
The coaching im in, a dude in the dropper batch was not qualified for advanced last year and this year that guy got 12xx rank, city topper...so my parents say I can indeed continue in this tuition only if I'm more comfortable here...They show insane trust in me, more than they have ever, since they are genuinely worried about me now. They want me to fulfill my dream, and not settle for even the best IISERs. Today for the first time my mom told me " *I* want you to join THE BEST now. You didn't deteriorate your health to finally settle for the institute you didn't dream of, even though it is a Tier-1 and dream college of thousands of aspirants. I don't care. I want you to fulfill your dream you've had since years and study for just one more year. You are just 17, one drop year won't hurt you."
and I genuinely cried.
- (what my parents don't want) I take admission in the best IISER I get from whatever rank I get this year, and prioritize "escaping this misery" rather than "dream college". Research isn't tied to one institute itself, be it my dream. Since this time my parents say I WILL be allowed to focus on IAT as well unlike this year, and will get a good coaching for JEE as well, they think even if I get the best IISER this year... I shouldn't take admission in it. But the good side of joining college would be that I finally reclaim my life, my health gets better, and I finally find good friends as well, which I can safely say i was deprived of in my school life (I have a whopping total of 2 good friends from my 6 school journey, and both of them from the 5th school of my life only...)
I'm given the entire June month to chill, and think and make my final decision.
now what should this dreamer do? I am really concerned and I have absolutely no idea what to do...
if you read this post till here, I really appreciate you a lot. thank you for reading.
I feel kinda better after venting out stuff which had been killing me...
thank you, strangers.