u/Expedicionista

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I'm in recovery from a severe affective disorder and two addictions. Two hospitalizations in the last few years. This is my raw, unfiltered situation. I need to lay it out in points, because my head is a mess.

1. The rescue.

I rescued a pitbull who was either going to end up on the street or be euthanized. She had no chance. I grabbed her because I couldn't stand the thought of her dying. At that time, I was also on the verge of collapsing myself. We were both hopeless.

2. The bond and the doubts.

During this year, I created a real bond with her. I love her. But I've always had, and I still have, doubts because of the statistics surrounding pitbulls. I've already played with fire in my life—with my addictions, with my mental health—and I got burned badly. I don't want to get burned again, and I don't want her to get burned because of me. The truth is, I couldn't take care of her in the best way. My illness made me absent. I have two addictions wrapped around my affective disorder. Some days I could barely take care of myself.

3. The ticking clock.

At any moment, I could have a relapse or a mental health attack. It's a reality I have to accept. And if that happens, she would suffer for it. I know, deep down, that she probably has better options than me. She could live in a more stable home, with people who don't disappear into their own heads for days. She deserves that stability.

4. The gray area (and my dilemma).

This is where I'm stuck. It's not black and white. Some days I wake up and I'm absolutely sure: I need to find her a new family, for her sake. Other days, I hold her and I can't breathe at the thought of letting her go. I want to keep her forever. The decision swings back and forth, and it's exhausting.

I need support. I need words. I need advice from people who have been through this—people who have rehomed a dog (especially a pitbull) even though they loved them. How did you do it? How did you deal with the back-and-forth in your head? How did you finally make peace with letting go?

I don't want a quick "keep her" or "give her away." I know life isn't that simple. I just need to hear from others who have walked this gray path. Because right now, I feel like I'm failing her no matter what I choose.

​

I'm in recovery from a severe affective disorder and two addictions. Two hospitalizations in the last few years. This is my raw, unfiltered situation. I need to lay it out in points, because my head is a mess.

1. The rescue.

I rescued a pitbull who was either going to end up on the street or be euthanized. She had no chance. I grabbed her because I couldn't stand the thought of her dying. At that time, I was also on the verge of collapsing myself. We were both hopeless.

2. The bond and the doubts.

During this year, I created a real bond with her. I love her. But I've always had, and I still have, doubts because of the statistics surrounding pitbulls. I've already played with fire in my life—with my addictions, with my mental health—and I got burned badly. I don't want to get burned again, and I don't want her to get burned because of me. The truth is, I couldn't take care of her in the best way. My illness made me absent. I have two addictions wrapped around my affective disorder. Some days I could barely take care of myself.

3. The ticking clock.

At any moment, I could have a relapse or a mental health attack. It's a reality I have to accept. And if that happens, she would suffer for it. I know, deep down, that she probably has better options than me. She could live in a more stable home, with people who don't disappear into their own heads for days. She deserves that stability.

4. The gray area (and my dilemma).

This is where I'm stuck. It's not black and white. Some days I wake up and I'm absolutely sure: I need to find her a new family, for her sake. Other days, I hold her and I can't breathe at the thought of letting her go. I want to keep her forever. The decision swings back and forth, and it's exhausting.

I need support. I need words. I need advice from people who have been through this—people who have rehomed a dog (especially a pitbull) even though they loved them. How did you do it? How did you deal with the back-and-forth in your head? How did you finally make peace with letting go?

I don't want a quick "keep her" or "give her away." I know life isn't that simple. I just need to hear from others who have walked this gray path. Because right now, I feel like I'm failing her no matter what I choose.

​

I'm in recovery from a severe affective disorder and two addictions. Two hospitalizations in the last few years. This is my raw, unfiltered situation. I need to lay it out in points, because my head is a mess.

1. The rescue.

I rescued a pitbull who was either going to end up on the street or be euthanized. She had no chance. I grabbed her because I couldn't stand the thought of her dying. At that time, I was also on the verge of collapsing myself. We were both hopeless.

2. The bond and the doubts.

During this year, I created a real bond with her. I love her. But I've always had, and I still have, doubts because of the statistics surrounding pitbulls. I've already played with fire in my life—with my addictions, with my mental health—and I got burned badly. I don't want to get burned again, and I don't want her to get burned because of me. The truth is, I couldn't take care of her in the best way. My illness made me absent. I have two addictions wrapped around my affective disorder. Some days I could barely take care of myself.

3. The ticking clock.

At any moment, I could have a relapse or a mental health attack. It's a reality I have to accept. And if that happens, she would suffer for it. I know, deep down, that she probably has better options than me. She could live in a more stable home, with people who don't disappear into their own heads for days. She deserves that stability.

4. The gray area (and my dilemma).

This is where I'm stuck. It's not black and white. Some days I wake up and I'm absolutely sure: I need to find her a new family, for her sake. Other days, I hold her and I can't breathe at the thought of letting her go. I want to keep her forever. The decision swings back and forth, and it's exhausting.

I need support. I need words. I need advice from people who have been through this—people who have rehomed a dog (especially a pitbull) even though they loved them. How did you do it? How did you deal with the back-and-forth in your head? How did you finally make peace with letting go?

I don't want a quick "keep her" or "give her away." I know life isn't that simple. I just need to hear from others who have walked this gray path. Because right now, I feel like I'm failing her no matter what I choose.