u/Expediter6948

We have been together for 9 years, lately I started to close out as I don't feel loved anymore.

I've always been a closed up person, that was solving problems alone, never seeking help and I became quite confident with myself. I have a small group of close friends, succeeding in career, exploring hobbies - basically quite proud of what I've achieved at 21.

At that point, 9 years ago, I met her and it seemed like actual dream that came through. She jumped into my life without me desperately looking for a soul mate, as I always felt alone.

She was giving me a lot of warmth, touch, holding hands and random hugs. That ment a lot, exactly what I needed. Not pushing for me to open up, but creating a warm atmosphere so I could speak when I felt safe.

Next 6 years, from my perspective, were perfect. We were laughing together, traveling, feeling comfortable in silence, discussing deeper topics and feelings. Sex life was healthy, she often initiated and was passionate. I always had a higher libido, but I never forced that on her. I was okay with average of 1/week, never took count, but I understood that life can be stressful and I knew she will initiate when she is ready again.

Around 3 years ago she started to have a lot of stress from her abusive parent (not sexual abuse). We live away from that person, but she is quite sensitive and calls/texts from parent / family members were impacting her a lot.
She started a therapy that is ongoing, and she has been taking antidepressants for 2 years now.

I was never thinking about slow decrease in sex life. I understood that she was under a lot of stress, dealing with her trauma.
We have been traveling more, trying to take her mind off that, and she would sometimes show affection. She lost her job a year ago, and I understood - increased stress, not expecting anything.

After she landed a great job, 2 months later we went with friends on a trip. When I saw couples together, hugging, touching, I realized I don't really miss sex as much as touch and this warmth. I raised up this problem with her, that I started to feel more like friend to her than a partner. We cried a bit together and agreed to try revitalize our relationship.

Things quickly got back to the same state, lack of interest from her side. She would agree on sex when I initiated, but that felt empty. I started to feel very bad about this, like she's not enjoying this at all. Decided to try and not initiate for a month, and nothing happened.

I've had a small crash out, internal one. I've realized that I stopped doing many of my hobbies when we met, my relationship with close friend was nearly lost, as we've been doing everything together with my partner. For a few days I felt angry, planning how to get back happiness while being in this relationship. I don't feel proud but I was very passive aggressive, ignoring her for few days, going out alone (for hikes or other sports, not partying etc).

After that we had a big fight that I'm completely closed off and can't communicate. I took that on me, as I believed it's fully my problem. Her lack of affection is because I closed off.
I started to read and self diagnosed myself as avoidant attachment style.

I started therapy once a week, cut off alcohol fully, aligned with her sleep pattern to always got to bed with her as opposed to going to gym at 9PM. I have started doing sport that she liked. I've been very mindful about talking about feelings and problems, even when I felt vulnerable. I've been giving my best for 4 months, believing that I can fix myself and things will improve.

A week ago I had a few very stressful days, and got accused of closing up again. I stated that I'm just tired and don't want to talk. After a day or two, sweating alone doing the sport we were ment to do together, I came back home ready to push further and open up. I got greeted with "I'm tired and don't want to talk". I knew it is just her way to get back at me so I confronted saying that I just needed a hug few days ago.

We had a calm discussion the next day, and I asked why she never touches me anymore.
She said she doesn't know, she also don't feel any sex desire.
I asked if she could bring up lowered libido with her doctors and I said that I do NOT expect her to go off any meds. She said she will.

However now I'm having tons of thoughts that I was somehow tricked into thinking the whole problem is on my side. I'm closing off as I don't feel comfortable, safe, to discuss my thoughts. I don't remember when she touched my face, neck or hugged me passionately. Am I expecting too much to get affection without asking?

I don't know if her lower libido is caused by meds or if she just stopped having feelings towards me. I don't want to break apart if this is side effect of her antidepressants, but I know she can't just get off them.