u/Expensive-Ad-1330

I’ve officially hit the two month mark! I’m so proud of myself! The months from April to June have been hard and at times overwhelming..but I prevailed.

I’m still trying to regain my mind and keep my body and mind intact. I’ve gone through headaches, losing friends, feeling like I’ll never get through this, lows & highs, but overall I keep fucking going.

If theres one thing I’ve learned is if no one is going to have your back you have yourself. You pick yourself up and keep moving, I think a lot of this process is about elevating myself from that mindset I’ve been so stuck in for years. Going & getting through this addiction is more of knowing that even if you relapse, you take a step back, recognize, recalibrate, and start again. The loop keeps going as long as you let it.

You need to cry? Cry. You need to yell? Scream into a pillow or something.

I still feel numb, I’m still going through this flatline phase of not really feeling emotionally there for things. I know that only I can get myself out of this seemingly endless void. There is light at the end of the tunnel and it only keeps going from there. The beautiful thing about this process is releasing old ways, and learning new ways.

I’ve officially gone a month without porn on the 4th of May. I want to say that I’m proud of myself but I genuinely can’t even feel as happy as I should feel. The withdrawals from what sources my dopamine is hitting like a truck.

I don’t talk about this to discourage anyone!!!

Lately, I’ve been getting headaches, dissociation, and tiredness. I’ve confided in my friends, they keep telling me these encouraging things which, I appreciate. I’ve just been feeling empty, like the world is just passing me by and I’m just waking up, doing these routines over and over. I’ve journaled about my experience so far and I’m trying to get through this as best as I can.

I’ve been trying to get myself happy by buying myself things, but even that hasn’t proved to lighten my mood, and trust me I LOVE getting that rush of buying new clothes, or buying something random.

Mainly, I’m more scared of the fact that I can’t feel anything romantically for my bf. And that I’m oddly comfortable with it? I obviously care, and miss him, and want to see him, but even when I slept over it felt like it was all so fast, hanging out with him specifically.

I want to confide in him about my issue, and let him know, but I’m scared. Not of being judged, but to lose him. He’s the one person that is so sure of me even when I’m not sure of myself at times.

This was not to vent even though it sort of chalks up to be. But my first month away from all of that media was..a lot. It was emotional, I cried confessing my issue to my friends, even watching sad TikTok’s made me emotional about it, even movies. I’ve even just been eating a lot of sweets, and trying to not eat a bunch of outside foods. The first month is hard, but recovery is a journey that I need to take a day at a time, it feels so discouraging but I’m trying my best mainly for myself, and for my relationships.