Am I wrong for crying? (18+)
[This might not be the right community for this, but it has the question in their, but if it's wrong, I apologise beforehand]
So first of all I want to describe my situation a little. I'm a 17yr F and Sometimes I get into really dark head spaces where it feels like the world and everybody in it is against me, that I'm some kind of freak who should of died when I was 13. I never want to cry in front of anybody. Aspecialy not when it's incontrollable panic attacks like gasping for air and tears running out of your nose. I guess that's because I've been called sensitive both in school and by my own family. I take it as an insult because saying sensitive downplays the persons situation and feelings. It's a hidden "weak" in that word. Anyways, I also don't want to cry infront of others because when I open up and do to my mom, she gets angry at me and gets some sort of psychotic episode herself. And when I say angry, I mean it.
So basically, I try to keep my tears inside, but sometimes they come out, and last time it was on the frikin bus. The BUS. Like why! Why then! And it was the REAL BAD kind of cry. People in the bus started to glare at me and there was some kids on the bus in front of me who didn't know what was going on. When the bus stoped at my destination I was desperate to get out because I was so embarrassed and sad. But the kids mother glared at me with disgust and I'm not being dramatic. It was horrible. I've never been looked at in such a way. I even heard someone say psychotic in the back of the bus. And when I walked of the bus I couldn't think clearly. It was like I had no control of my "be normal" side of my brain and I just couldn't act like I whould when walking in public. So I gasped for air and cried real loud. I chould hear people talk about me. It was horrendous.
By people's reactions I must be in some kind of wrong ones again for crying and I want to know why.
It makes me sick thinking about that mothers glare.
She looked at me as if I was a monster.
It was the worst public experience of my hole life.
I never want to go out in public again, but I obviously must now to restore my reputation in about 30 fucking years if I even stay for that long. I'm tierd of rumours. I don't want to be this person that I am. I hate being weird and that's why I'm weird in a bad way. Why does weird shit like this have to happen. I feel sick.
So, cutting to the chase, am I wrong for crying? Feel free to awnser as you want.
(I put 18+ because it kind of touches suicide topic and that has to be 18+ I think, better safe than sorry)