who to talk to about dysphoria and how to deal with it generally
(sorry for the long post, content warning: self-harming element i think)
hi everyone, im 17, ftm, pre t and lately ive been having really really bad gender dysphoria. i do wear masculine clothes to pass and a binder/trans tape to conceal my chest. ive come out to my friends and older sisters and they accept me (hooray!!!), though that doesnt really help with whatever is going on in my head when im just constantly feeling dreadful about my future and what im gonna do with my work/academic stuff and legal documentations. my country does allow sex change if only i got srs, which is fine by me since i dont really want whatever down there either, but its extremely expensive and im broke. plus, gender affirming care here is terrible. besides, transitioning meaning theres a really high chance i wont be able to get a normal office job, and i really want to get a higher education so getting shunned out by people would suck.
in order to cope i did nothing but sleep, too much sleep that i forgot to eat and take care of myself, completely ignore work. i still get up to eat sometimes and to go to extra classes, but i zone out way way more. i usually dont talk to anyone or go out much so to friends and family im just a little off. idk i just dont really care abt anything anymore and i wish i do still care. my room is a mess and work is piling up. i tried to go outside and dress up more and go stealth to feel better, but ppl can always tell by my voice. admittedly i was trying to hurt my throat so it would sound deeper, and also wearing my binder 24/7 but i dont do that anymore since i got trans tape.
ive tried to get myself to open up to my close friends and sisters, but i always think no one will get it since some of them have made some strange remarks abt me being trans (sth like "are you sure? but what if ur like one of those girls who turn out to be girly and love pink in the future?" or just refuse to use my prns because "ur still a girl") for god sake i LOVE pink. i have thought that maybe i should keep girlmodding until i have what i want (idk study abroad and try to get a citizenship there ig), but like until when? sometimes i tried to convince myself tht maybe im just a weird girl and wish that i were born a dude, or maybe just be "normal" for once so i wouldnt have to suffer.
anyways thats all, im very grateful for any advice to help with this so please let me know if you have any. sorry again for such a negative post on pride month like this.