I did the hard thing; I left and chose myself
Wanting people to celebrate with🥹❤️
I ended a relationship and chose me. And it was HARD AND FELT AWFUL AND UGH SOMETIMES IT STILL FEELS BAD AND I SOMETIMES FEEL REGRET. But my therapist the other day was like — maybe you feel regret and suspicion about the fact that you’re doing okay because you’re used to not feeling okay. So maybe feeling okay is scary for you. And then I just had to sit with that smoking hot tea (we love her but oh my gosh Caitlyn)
While my partner initiated breaking up, they changed their mind multiple times before telling me they didn’t know what they wanted. I thought this was my person, but after treatment I’ve received the past few weeks (not going into detail; not abusive (?) but definitely not okay), I’ve really accepted that this person could not give me what I needed or wanted with their current capacity and circumstances. I had been waiting, and waiting, and waiting for them to do better, to feel better, and to be less overwhelmed with life. I asked for less and oriented my life around them, picking up on how they were feeling, checking in with them.
But I have chosen myself and I officially told them it’s over. I was not perfect in the relationship and maybe we wanted different things — I’ll never know, as they were not ever able to tell me what they wanted and I have gone no contact. I found myself wondering — why did they initiate breaking up, do they regret it, what do they actually want, do they still want this relationship, is this just self sabotage, will they change their mind once they’re in a more stable place — all these things. But at some point, my realization was that none of that matters because at the end of the day, I didn’t deserve how I was treated. And I know even when overwhelmed, I wouldn’t treat anyone like how they did. Maybe they were unhappy in the relationship, maybe they were angry at me, maybe they were angry at themselves, maybe it was because their mental health took a hit — but there is no excuse. Explanations maybe, but I did not deserve that — and I would argue, no one deserves that.
At the end of the day, I know how they treated me wasn’t okay with me. And I’ve kind of just realized — that’s all I need to know.
Here’s your reminder that you do not deserve the poor treatment that you receive from people in your life. You don’t need to be the perfect partner or friend to be deserving of care, and your mistakes are not evidence people can use to treat you in ways you aren’t okay with.
Cheers to my girlies out here, cheers to choosing ourselves, and cheers to giving ourselves the closure we need🫂❤️
Girl dinner image description: at work and ran to the store to get a carton of blueberries and a yogurt; my favorite things I’m not allergic to🥹