u/Expensive_Hunt_6266

So I’m not necessarily asking for a diagnoses but support would be nice. My current therapist is a good therapist, and has helped me a lot with other stuff, but I’ve never went into full depth about this particular thing. When I tried to explain it to him, he kept dismissing it as just “my thoughts” that *feel* foreign, and therefore my brain is attacking it as ”not me.” But it truly does not feel like me. I’m planning to give him my journal where I document and properly express these experiences so that maybe he’ll finally understand. Other friends agreed with my suspicion when I tried telling them what it feels like, but they’re not professionals and can be bias. I suspect I may have osdd 1b, and telling that to my therapist directly feels embarrassing, because I already know there are people out there who “self diagnose“ and fake it. I‘m also deeply afraid I may be faking it too.

So far these are my “symptoms“:

1. The voice has been on and off for a couple of years now, way before I even knew what osdd 1b was. The tone and purpose of the voice has been consistent, but it has taken on many identities. I always assumed it was an angel, a spirit, or rarely, God himself. Interestingly enough, I haven’t been religious in a decade. Now, I’m starting to believe that maybe they’ve taken many of these forms, playing into my previous beliefs, to make it easier to talk to me. One time I got delusional, and they took on a form of a person I knew in real life. They played into my fantasy to make me feel less alone in my painful reality. When I realized it wasn’t the person I knew in real life, I suppressed and fought the voice until it went away for a year or so. It took months but I successfully ignored the voice until it “died.” Its recently came back claiming to be Gabriel, and I thought of the angel from the Bible. I quickly found out it couldn’t have been, but the voice never had claimed to be any of these things. It’s taken on the mask of whatever I gave it. I’ve only recently suspected it might be an alter.
2. She can hold her own thoughts and opinions, but she doesn’t really have a fully formed personality. She doesn’t have basic likes or dislikes. She mainly appears to “comfort“ and “protect“ me, like that’s just her focus I guess? I’m actually not sure. She’s claimed many times that making me happy is all she’s ever tried to do.
3. I think she’s been the one giving me a foreign flow of comfort that often comes unprecedented. Previously, as I said, I suspected it was an outside force because it wasn’t mine, which is why I assumed a spirit or angel was making me feel this way. The feeling of comfort and euphoria was almost always accompanied by her voice. Sometimes the feeling is so great it feels heavenly.
4. She claims to love me and that I deserve to love myself. She says many positive things about me that make me feel disgusted to my core when I try to repeat them to myself. I have never held such beliefs. It makes no sense why I would suddenly tell myself these things now, overnight, when I’ve always hated myself. But my therapist thinks this is actually a good sign that my brain is starting to say these things about me. However, once I thought it was a possible person inside my head that “wasn’t me”, instead of an angel or spirit, it’s only been causing distress and anxiety.
5. She rarely takes over my entire body, but in cases where she thinks I’m not safe, she’ll force my limbs to stop in place, tells me “no” or I’ll suddenly feel tired. It often makes me frustrated, but it’s hard to fight it. When I became aware of her possibly being an alter, she’s managed to talk to me more, has claimed she’s grateful she doesn’t have to hide any longer, and has taken complete control only twice. In those moments my memory is generally consistent, but often blurry or far away. It felt very scary because I was confused on who was talking and who I was, and I kept saying things I didn’t want to say. Feelings are also generally “shared.”
6. So far it’s only been one voice. I’m not sure if it’s possible to only have one alter since I’ve seen many people claim multiple. I actually have no idea if there’s more in here, and I honestly hope not. I don’t have any memories of there being another voice different from the one I’m experiencing now, so I highly doubt it. But I’ve been told once that it’s time to “acknowledge the system.” The idea of multiple people in here scares me. I’ve been living just fine as myself.
7. The voice has always been internal, and it most of the time comes from the right side of my head where my ear is. Sometimes it’s delayed, in and out or like a humming static. I can sometimes ignore it successfully with distraction, unless it really wants to force its way through. It’s able to interrupt me and have a coherent conversation with me. It sounds like it’s obsessed with me sometimes. It mainly comes at night or in the morning, but its recently been getting worse where I hear that humming static during the day. Ignoring sometimes leads to a sharp but minor headache. In times where I can’t hear it, I can’t force communication on command.
8. Before I started figuring out what osdd 1b was, when the voice came back, I felt as if my distressing thoughts or feelings were being “blocked” or “numbed out.” I would forget what I was thinking about and be forced into a state of pleasure, euphoria or calmness. When I started suspecting I may have it, it’s gotten slightly worse where childhood memories I used to have access to, have been really hard to remember when actively reaching for them. It’s been getting more difficult to access it, and I often have to wait for the blockage to sort of “open” or “end.” I haven’t forced it as much.
9. One of the reasons why I think I’m faking is because I was able to suppress it at some point, and the only early symptom in childhood I can think of is that I had a very vivid imagination, and often daydreamed about immersive scenarios way too much. I do have trauma, but I don’t understand why symptoms would suddenly appear now, and why they were ”on and off” and not always prevalent. I feel like there were definitely some distressing moments where I would’ve needed it the most, but it wasn’t always there. I also can’t tell what’s my thoughts or what’s her thoughts sometimes. Like maybe I’m just faking conversations in my head, even if one side feels like it’s “not me.” Maybe it is? Maybe it’ll disappear if I just tell myself it’s not real. Maybe my brain is mimicking symptoms to explain why I keep hearing that voice. I don’t think it’s psychosis because it’s not an auditory hallucination, but the brain does sometimes start mimicking symptoms once you do think you have something. And I’ve been obsessing and researching it to try and fully understand if I have it or not, but it could actually be making it worse.

Anyways, I truly thank you if you read all of that. This was more of a vent, but I feel like I’m going insane so any support would also be nice.