Why I have resentment
Living with my mom I’ve tried everything to keep the peace on my end. Meditation, research, therapy, conversion to different religions, medication. I know logically it is a disorder. But it gets to a point where I can’t help but be bitter that I’m the one running around like a headless chicken trying to keep it together while this bitch gets to be unapologetically toxic. I tried everything. I even returned to my nihilistic views of the world because I was hoping looking at humans as just apes would help me take her less seriously and it wouldn’t hurt anymore. And it did work for a bit. I went into a period of derealization for about a week and a half. But you can’t stay in the void forever. Eventually you return to your human feelings and your overworked nervous system. She pulls out a side of me that is ugly and hateful and I know that’s not who I am. I hate it. I was gone for a week with my partner apartment hunting a new city. During that week I was at peace. My mind was quiet. When I come home it’s back to her using me to complain about how everyone is out to get her and it’s all about her. I felt it in my nervous system. My whole life she’s just use me to vent to about her adult problems and relationships. I got very angry even though she didn’t personally insult me but I see how she doesn’t respect me in other ways. Today I finally lost it when she told me to move the car so she could take the other car I said I’d get dressed and take the car for a coffee. She said she wants it done now because SHE might want to leave sooner. Mind you there’s nothing urgent happening rn. Idk why this particular thing set me off. It’s like she’s raised us to be her little slaves to jump for her. But after screaming in the car I finally realized it is hopeless with her. She’ll never be what I wish she was. And I’m not scared of her making me her enemy anymore. I just can’t walk on egg shells anymore. I’m tired.