TLDR; I shut down in large groups and I feel like my club members hate me for not socially engaging actively enough.
I’ve been in this really tight-knit club at school(about 12 members) for about two years, but I’m still having trouble connecting socially with the other members.
For context, we spend the year working in groups of 3 or 4 in preparation for a large competition in the spring. I’m comfortable talking and joking around in these small groups, but when we do our meetings with everyone all together, my social anxiety strikes.
When I’m in a large group, I panic, completely shutting down and forgetting my personality until someone speaks directly to me. I suppose I’m analogous to the video game npcs who can only respond to player input. Problem is, no one really wants to talk to someone so passive. It was easier in the small groups because they were obligated to speak to me and the activities gave us something to talk about. In the large group, though, they have people they know better, people who are more outgoing and engaging, and it’s difficult to butt into a conversation already going in full force.
Last year, my shyness was understandable since I was new. But despite all the progress I’ve made in the small groups this year(my social anxiety made it hard to interact even in small groups last year), I recently completely blew it during this year’s competition week. When we were not competing and just hanging out(over half the time) in the large group, I didn’t know what to say and just shut down. Even the people I’m closest to and try to include and talk to me have given up. I don’t blame them, my seeming lack of willingness to change is trying their patience.
Today they had an extra group hangout for fun that I was unable to make. I was the only one out of the whole club not there, and I’m afraid that, coupled with my behavior during the competition week, makes me seem apathetic towards the club and everyone. That’s not the case—this is a group I’m really passionate about, with wonderful people. My social anxiety just makes it difficult to express.
I can’t really say any of this directly to them—the group dynamic is really casual, chaotic, joking—saying anything too personal would make the mood weird and further alienate me. The only thing I can really do is just start getting more outgoing, but I’m paranoid they just kind of hate me now and it makes my anxiety worse.
At this point I feel like all I do when I’m in the large group is make things awkward, so I retreat even more inwards and try to be invisible. It’s a horrible cycle which makes me seem dull and antisocial. How can I get over this and salvage my relationship with the club?