I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years, but i kinda fell for a girl from my college. Just need to get this out.
I know what it’s like to be in love because I’ve felt it before. I still remember my very first crush back in elementary school. Every time I saw her, my heart would race and I’d get nervous asf. Spending time talking to her felt like an eternity. She was on my mind 24/7. Even though nothing ever happened between us (we were way too young), she set a benchmark for me. Years later, during high school, I went out on a few dates with different girls, but none of them gave me that same feeling. They were nice, but they never really sparked any real interest in me.
Then, my current girlfriend came into the picture. Let’s call her Carla. At that point, I was a high school senior with barely any money, living far out from the city. I was pretty isolated, had no friends nearby, and spent a lot of time alone. Out of nowhere, Carla slid into my Instagram DMs. We started talking every single day. Carla was different because her interest felt genuine. Usually, I had to put in a ton of effort just to keep a conversation going, but with her, everything was effortless.
We started seeing each other pretty often, but I wasn't all that physically attracted to her. Our conversations felt purely platonic, and there didn't seem to be any romantic interest beyond that (no kissing or holding hands for the first few months). I began to view her as my best friend.
One day, she confessed that she liked me. My heart skipped a beat because I couldn't believe someone fell for the real me. However, the feeling wasn't the same my heart wasn't beating that fast. Still, I thought: "Maybe this is what mature love is actually about less intensity, and more genuine affection and respect." So, I told her I liked her too, and eventually, I asked her to be my girlfriend.
We’ve been together for 5 years now. We get along perfectly, support each other, and trust each other with everything. But there's a recurring issue. Carla tells me she feels like I don't love her because I don't show enough affection (posting her on my stories, planning dates, giving her flowers, etc.). Those kinds of romantic gestures simply never cross my mind, and they feel awkward to do. I just don't know if I'd marry her because she has never made my heart race with all its might.
Sometimes I crave being single and free, but at the same time, I'm good with her and i don't want anything or anyone else.
Until a few months ago.
Ever since I started college, I met this girl, let's call her Nancy. At first, she just caught my eye because she's attractive, but I didn't try anything. I've always been strictly faithful and I absolutely loathe cheating.
However, about 3 months ago, she approached me to do a partner project together. That day, I froze and got so nervous. There was something about her that triggered that "spark" I hadn't felt in years. Everyone in class knows I have a girlfriend, but there was a certain chemistry between us that my classmates awkwardly noticed while we were talking.
Ever since, I catch her looking at me, and I look back at her, I can't help it. Every time I see her walk into the room, my heart jumps. After that interaction, I started overthinking everything. Could this be considered emotional cheating? I hate myself for having feelings for someone else while being in a relationship.
My relationship with Carla is still the same, and she has been there for me through my darkest times. She is an amazing person and I love her so much, but she has never made me feel the way I feel when I look at Nancy. Honestly, I think a lot of this might just be in my head.
Nancy probably just sees me as a classmate and that's it.
I feel like I should break up with Carla just because she doesn't deserve a boyfriend who is emotionally checked out, even if it means I end up alone. It terrifies me to think that this might keep happening even after we get married.
What if Carla really isn't the one? Am I just wasting her time, and did Nancy just come along to show me that?
I need your honest opinions and advice.
(Note: English is not my native language, so I used an AI tool to translate and format this text so my story could be properly understood).