(MTF?) It's been a year of quietly questioning and I still don't know what I want.
This has been the pattern since the beginning: Trying on a skirt for the first time with legs i was barely able to get hairless without cutting myself, a friend of mine next to me who lent me his old clothes for this, and I remember looking in the mirror and feeling so disheartened. The morning after, I remembered how smooth I was, and how I looked the night before, and I felt so happy about it all.
I've stopped and started DIY HRT a few times, I've spoken to a bunch of my other friends about it, I've tried going out to social gatherings presenting feminine. It's been nice, I'm not able to be myself in that way at home, I'll take what I can get.
The problem is, for all the times where I feel happy or confident about wanting this, half a dozen reasons spring up in my head as to why I wouldn't. Things about my birth sex I'm afraid to lose, a lot of those things is am prohibitively ashamed of being so attached to.
On paper, HRT has everything I want. Smoother skin, thinner body hair, a more round figure, even the changes to your emotional sensitivity as the hormones take effect. But at the same time I feel so scared, and so hesitant, like I'll regret it. What am I supposed to feel...