My mom is dying tomorrow and I don’t know how I’ll get through it.
yeah, so I’m 15 y/o and typing this out at midnight on my bathroom floor. My mom is my best friend. She is this linchpin that I’ve built my entire life around; daily schedule, school plans, source of comfort, meal habits etc. and she’s dying tomorrow.
My mom has been sick (with what we were told was an infection) for about 3 months, i found out she has cancer two weeks ago, and was told she was applying for MAID four days ago. I literally feel like i am losing my mind. I can’t focus on anything other than her for more than a minute, my head and ears ache from wearing my headphones for 5 hours straight, and everywhere I look I see a new way my life will never be the same (and demonstrably worse) without her.
My dad has always had an unhealthy relationship with food and has diabetes and various cardiovascular ailments. truth be told I had already come to terms with the fact that he probably wouldn’t live much past my high school graduation. In my eyes, my mom was going to be a steely 90 year old living in some bluezone community somewhere enjoying her hobbies, but now she won’t. God, this post is so repetitive, but I just can’t explain how cheated/let down/disappointed I feel? Not at her of course, but just at the world.
I think one of the biggest things is how alone I’ll be. I know I’m not, and frankly have an insane support group of people who love her as much as I do. But I go to her for EVERYTHING. As a physically disabled kid, I do a lot less around the house than most of my peers. She’s been my rock through a ton of tough medical appointments and procedures, and a constant champion for my accommodations at school. Even now, I’m still telling her all of the problems that I anticipate will happen after she passes because I know I won’t be able to go to her after.
Everything just feels to daunting. Being ”comforted” by dozens of relatives, having said relatives just show up unannounced thinking they are being helpful when in reality they are just draining the energy of a VERY sick woman, having to say goodbye to her. Knowing that she’ll forever be gone. Arrangements for the funeral. it’s all too much, and I know that this is almost impossible to ask of y’all but: Got any tips? — No pressure, I’ll take anything at this point.
Coming to this subreddit, made me feel a little bit better, and I thank you guys for sharing your stories and letting me know I’m not alone.