r/ChildrenofDeadParents

I work in a skilled nursing facility.

It's pretty common for these places to be understaffed and overloaded. That's just the Boomer generation reaching the age they need advanced care and peak burnout after covid...

Generally, I don't let it get to me seeing all these families who come to see their aging parents, and in some ways it fills a part of me that wishes I could be in their shoes. I don't have parents anymore and so I take care of other peoples'.

But we have this one resident's daughter who is very... particular about her mother's care. Her mother is 98 and has advanced dementia and understandably her daughter is protective of her and visits every day. Notes down who is working and the state her mother is in, tidies up her room, everything.

Today, the short-staffing meant she couldn't get her mother down to the recliner at the time she'd have liked, and waiting an extra 20 minutes or so. It takes two staffers to operate a mechanical lift to transfer her mother, and therefore requires two aides or nurses to be free, at a time after the lunch hour when everyone needs the toilet or to lay down for nap or both. After all was said and done, the daughter cornered me and tore into me, red-faced, about how she felt her mother was being treated. It doesn't matter that we have 55 residents and 4 aides... we let her down.

And I'm generally a very patient person and don't take things personally. She was upset and needed to let off steam, so I let her. But then she made it personal by adding: "And you'll understand when your parents are old and needing care 24/7, it's stressful!"

I get it. I'm young. I'm only 33. Easy assumption to make. But damn, that stung.

I responded as diplomatically as I could, acknowledging she's right and it's not something I will ever understand because my parents are already gone from the earth, and having to care for ailing parents is not a stress I will ever know. And I promised to escalate her concerns to the DON (which I also did.)

I'm not that easy to rattle but I had to get off the floor for 15 to cool down. I almost wish I were older myself so I can avoid people making such assumptions. I wish I didn't share that about myself with her. She did apologise later. But now I have a new least favourite string of words.

I'm (22F), and my father just passed away a few days ago. I've been the one to handle the wake, the funeral, the flowers, the planning, etc.

I've been waiting for the emotions or the floodgates to hit, and it just hasn't. I've made poster boards, looked at countless pictures, watched old videos on my phone, listened to voicemails, etc...

Other people in my family have cried, screamed, and shown emotions that I just haven't yet. Is this normal? Why am I not feeling anything? I almost feel guilty that I don't feel the same emotions they do.

Mostly, I'm sad because my father will never be able to walk me down the aisle when I get married and he will never be able to meet my kids when I have them. He will never see me graduate college, etc...He was the last parent I had and now I just have parental guidance. I just feel lost and empty. I want to have the emotions the rest of my family does.

I don't know is this normal? Anyone else go through this?

On paper I've achieved a lot since I lost my parents. Things they'd be proud of. I make a tremendous effort every day to get out of bed, and to not let my personal issues spill out into others lives. I try to be friendly to everyone. I try at work. I try to do what everyone says I should. I go outside. I do activities. I try. I try. But after all that, what do I feel? I feel completely empty. Life has become completely meaningless without them. I descended to hell and others can't even see it. I truly believe I'm in hell.

it’s weird, sometimes i feel like it never really happened and sometimes i catch myself having a thought as if this is all temporary, and it’ll be over soon. i was 19 and only just becoming a person, i feel so unrecognisable from when we knew eachother and the worst part is that he’ll never get to see me grown, confident, engaged in my passions and being myself. i won’t be able to see him interact with my life, or the world in general, things he’d love, etc. we are both frozen in time in a way and that’s the bit i hate the most

One car crash is all it took and I lost both of my parents in the same week. I barely held myself together through two funerals. Now before I’ve even had time to understand that they’re really gone I have to deal with some bullshit paperwork. I’m angry at everything right now. Other people get to go home and continue their normal lives while mine was destroyed in a week. Somehow I’m still expected to work, answer calls and figure out everything that happens after two people die. I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore. I’m devastated, this system really sucks.

Hello, this is my first post here. A little background, I am 35, my mom passed away the day before my birthday this year back in June. She had called me 5 days prior and told me she had a stomach ache and asked if I could bring her to the ER. I brought her in, which turned into a very traumatic experience because she started to have miniature strokes, and could barely talk, the last words she managed to say were "I love you" which looking back is amazing to me and means the world. By that evening, she was non responsive, I was told she had blood on her brain and they wanted to stabilize her over night so I should go home and come back the next day. I went home for the night and came back the next day thinking there might be a positive update, but when I spoke to the doctors they told me she had heavy bleeding around the Thalamus, and she would never wake up or speak again. She had named me the medical power of attorney, so I ultimately had to make the decision to pull her off of life support and let her go. I am an only child, and my parents divorced when I was 2 years old, so really it was just her and I until I got married and moved out. She had no will, no funeral planned, no executor named, nothing. I have spent the past few months doing what I think she would have wanted as far as memorial services, burial, etc is concerned and going through the probate process with the courts. I have been doing all of this, while still being the sole provider for my wife, 2 kids, and my mother in law who is in poor health that lives with us. I am doing my best to hold myself together, but I still have random episodes of grief, crying, etc. I am really just wondering if it ever gets easier, and if I am doing right by her. I am struggling with getting her house cleaned and going through all of her old things. I at least have the letters of Administration now from the state and an estate account set up and have been paying all of the necessary bills for her house. I am also working on getting the probate deed filed as well as getting her vehicle transfered into my name. I have not used an attorney for any of this either, I am doing it all by myself. I am struggling with picking up all of the pieces after all of this, I do not know what to do next, and I wish she was still here every day. I just keep thinking I need to stay strong for my wife and kids, but I almost feel lost without having my mom around. I used to call her for advice or just to vent, now I just keep it all bottled up inside.

In the hospital. Stomach ache June 2nd. June 3rd we go to the hospital at 7 AM. Arrive. I wait patiently in the ER. Finally they let me in, it turns out to be, what they think was - colon cancer. They said she had no muscle mass, etc.

6:00 PM, after hours of being in agony and the pain meds not working, I go to give her a sip of water from the cup, placing the straw in her mouth. I see her pupils expand, mouth is agape, and yes - I freaked out, but my body couldn't understand it.

Life and death. Separated by all of 10 seconds. I am not trying to make this profound or anything or disrespect my mother. But that's how impactful it was.

Fear. Anger. Sadness. Desperation. My mind tried to cycle through the inventory of appropriate emotions and was like "Dude... I don't even know what I'm looking at here".

I was in a state of panic, pacing, trying to talk to the nurses, and when they were doing the chest compressions I kept asking them "Is my mom dead? Is my mom dead?" to which they'd respond "Please, let's sit in this room for a minute, okay?".

Again, I'd ask "But... but is she dead? Is she dead?".

I'll say that the most traumatic element came in the form of - Why her? Why me? Have you even been in the hospital visiting someone and the person you're seeing is calm, collected. Perhaps watching TV, talking in a hushed voice... And then it happens. The cacophony of medical alarms ringing off down the hall or in the room next to you. The only thing that comes to mind is "My goodness, imagine if that was us".

Well this time it was. The drama, theatrics. 20 people running down the hall doing chest compressions on my lifeless mother. I legitimately do not have words. The worst is when I have to talk about trauma or PTSD to somebody else and it's just... I don't know. I'm not belittling them or reducing what they've been through. Sexual abuse, emotional abuse, all of it is very real and will destroy your life if not handled. I have a great deal of respect for anyone with PTSD, but to me personally this felt like is was on a different level (in my own life).

The grotesque imagery of the scene. "Is she okay? Is she okay? Is my mom dead? Please just stop fucking with me! Is my mom dead!?" - Sir, sir, please just sit over here with me. Let's find a distraction. "No, really! Is she dead?".

My father killed my mother.
Slowly, over a long time.
A domestic abuser.
A womanizer.
A drunkard.
A pervert.
A gambling addict.
A chain-smoker.
A bastard.
A bastard.
A bastard.
My father killed my mother.
I still don't understand it, and it brings me to tears.
Why didn't she divorce him sooner?
Why didn't she make the decision earlier?
Was it better to have a husband like that?
She used to constantly tell me to escape this hell.
Why couldn't she make that decision herself?
My heart aches