u/Sure-Sea-9272

I feel guilty and terrible about it. I love her but after my mom’s death I’ve been grieving and feel stuck. I’ve been distracting myself with work. She’s been traveling and making reels and doing ideas I would have loved to do. When I went to the same place o tried to make friends and I was myself but after the trip ended people told me they were selective with their friendships and can’t be friends… these same people filmed her and they post about her. I just feel like beside her I’m not likable and she’s the only one that makes me feel talentless as an artist and makes me feel so unseen and steals the spotlight….

I just find myself as a side character beside her… and she’s a main character. I feel like she has more energy and time to do these ideas first …. I just feel like I can’t be creative or come up with ideas like hers …. We make reels and short movies. I just feel like my chest hurts and I need to cry but can’t …. I’m too slow with grieving and she’s out there creating stuff… and being seen and appreciated and loved… she’s literally everywhere . She goes to all places around me and meets everyone and just does everything and tries everything and when I see her do everything I feel like there’s nothing left for me to do.. it’s her right I know but inside my head I sometimes get a feeling like she’s selfish ( she’s not she has a right to live her life as she pleases) what do I do ? I’m scared to do the same things my other friends will say I’m a copycat . She always leaves a trace after she leaves a place while I’m just nothing I don’t matter at all.

I don’t know if I’m romanticizing her and over doing it or what…. But she’s perfect.

I’m just here reliving the moments when I couldn’t be useful and save mom. I didn’t act quickly and I failed and everytime I try to do something I remember me and moms arguments and just feel like a worthless daughter and person… I remember her telling me this so I feel like my friends are better than I am and actually deserve the success and I get disgusted with myself. What do I do because I don’t want to lose her but I feel like a sidekick next to her everywhere we go … she works as a freelancer while I work full time so I don’t have much time like her

I can’t keep going I’ve been trying for 18 months and waking up everyday is such a burden. How did she ever think it would be okay to lose her ? I don’t think carrying her legacy with me is a good enough reason. I want the pain to end

ايه الحدد ان الست تطول شعرها و الراجل شعره يكون أقصر ؟

حتي لو فيه بنات بتقص شعرها عادي و ولاد بيطولوه ، بس أنا بتكلم عن الشيء التقليدي او المعايير الاتحطت دي. و كون الست تخبي شعرها ، علشان طويل ؟ و الراجل مش مخبي شعره ، علشان قصير ؟ بس مافيش حاجة بتحدد ان الست شعرها احلي او شعرها طويل و هو قصير ، اقصد دي كلها حاجات ظهرت مع الحضارات و التاريخ المختلف او لوحات معينه لآدم و حواء و كدة. ربنا في الاول خلق ادم و حواء الاتنين عندهم شعر عادي ….. و الانسان بيتولد بشعر قصير خالص فكله بيبقي نفس الطول سواء بنت او ولد و هم اطفال. الولد بيحلق و البنت بتفضل مطولاه. مين قرر ان الشعر الطويل صفه انوثه و عورة.

أنا بسأل بس علشان فعلا عايزه اعرف .. سؤال خطر في بالي النهارده بالذات ملقتش ليه إجابه

حاسه ان المفروض امشي ، بالذات ان مش بترقي لدور مشرف . بس مقدرتش امشي لاني بحسه بيتي التاني…
بما اني مبقاش ليا ام و اب و لا عندي اخوات ، البيت كمان ايجار بحس فيه بعدم استقرار و وحدة و هدوء قاتل.

تعاملت مع ناس كتير ، بقي عندي صحاب كتير اوي برغم من فقد امي بس وقت م احتاج لهم بيكونوا مشغولين / بيتجاهلوا مكالماتي . أنا عذرتهم هم مختلفين عني … بيبقوا بيدوروا علي هدوء و أنا بدور علي العكس.

مش بحس ان الحياة مهمة و مش بحس ان أنا هعمل اي حاجة العشر سنين الجايين مهمة و أنا عندي ٣٠ سنه. لما بصحي من النوم بحس بعبيء و الوقت المفضل في اليوم ليا هو وقتي في الشغل و وقت النوم بس. مش عارفه اعيش من غير اهلي و مش حابه اكلم اقارب اكبر مني لانهم بيستقلوا اوي بظروفي … بيقللوا من زعلي . بيقارنوا بيني و بين اطفال يتيمه في صغرهم. يقولولي انتي مش طفلة.

مش عارفه ايه المفروض يتعمل بس جربت كل حاجة لدرجة ان عدم وجودي في الدنيا بالنسبه لي اهون من كل ده و اريح. و لكني لو عملت كدة هكون خذلت امي و جدتي الربوني . و كل العملوه هيكون علي الفاضي. بس حتي لو عيشت ، ايه هيستفيدوه هم مش حاسين لانهم مش موجودين و مش هيعرفوا لو أنا كمان حصلتهم.

كان نفسي اسافر و اشتغل بس حاسه ان فات الاوان و في الغالب دلوقتي ملهوش قيمة بعد الظروف الحصلت. باخد أدوية اكتئاب و مبقتش قادره اعيط حتي … بس حاسه اني محتاجة ارتاح اكتر و اسيب الدنيا.

“ we have all been cruel at some point in our lives . You can’t change the past but you can change the future and present. You hurt someone in the past now you can choose not to do it with other people.” This is what my psychiatrist said to me.

The thing is i wasn’t like this with anyone just with mom. I was cruel with her sometimes and his response is true and valid but I hate it.

Sometimes I feel like the only solution is to end my life … it will never go away , the only way I’ll never regret being a bit cruel with mom is to end my life

Is it normal to lose memory after major loss? I’m losing memory of many things including work and details about family and friends

I don’t know what to do now…. I got no response… I’m trying to sleep for another 10 hours but my legs are restless

I just woke up feeling terrible and 100% sure somehow that a hospital would have saved her. I would’ve been happier with her alive….
I wish I never listened to what that doctor said when she said that she would be okay and hospitalizations weren’t necessary in mom’s case.

She told me that her oxygen levels were good….
I just don’t know what to do now.
Moms been gone for 18 months and I’m still dwelling on this. I can’t forgive myself. I woke up now feeling like she’d been saved if she were taken to a hospital.

Life would have been much better. I don’t know why my guard wasn’t up when she got sick… dealt with the issue as if it was something that would pass. I sometimes contemplate overdosing because there is no close family left. I’m all alone.
She got sick after leaving the house to run errands right after an argument. I feel like I triggered her illness so I should have fixed it. She loved me very much but she knew I triggered her illness and kept treating me like this for two weeks till she passed …. Her health was better then worse then better then she was gone.

I feel like everyone has a right to hate me. So when someone bullies me or is harsh to me I feel like they must know what’s inside me and I give them excuses to mistreat me

Is this normal if I be been yawning a lot after taking flouxetine ?

I got depressed from seeing her depressed and I couldn’t help her. I was struggling with my own issues as well. I feel terrible now that she’s gone. Sometimes I’d get angry at her if she’s treating herself terribly not trying to be in better health…. Or seeking medical help. It made me look like the bad guy and I loved her so much. I don’t know why I was so mean. I should’ve helped her with her depression but I didn’t know how. I didn’t have the experience in life and making people feel better because I had no friends at the time. It was just me and her and this makes me believe really was selfish as she told me.

After her death, I just feel like I miss her. I feel guilty and I can’t do things like before. I can’t take care of myself

My mom was the only family left. I have no siblings. I’m alone. And I can’t do like what people tell me to do. Activities and stuff. I have got work and unfortunately I don’t meet enough people. So I’m stuck in a routine surviving . I’ve been like this for a year and a half now and I’m so bored.

. I may be working and I may be productive but I feel stuck. Is anyone else like this? Is it normal to be surviving only after 18 months of a parent’s death. I’m 31 almost 32F so I feel like time is running out. I do things without joy I guess ?

Even if I know I loved and wanted her by my side forever. Still my thoughts get twisted making me believe I deliberately acted coldly or slower than I’d have wanted to. Sometimes I hear my own voice speaking to me saying :” are you happy now that she’s gone? You’ve inherited her money and you live on your own. That’s what you e wanted , are you happy now? Remember when she used this stuff? Now you’re here having everything all to yourself…”And this voice stops me from enjoying anything. Anyone else experienced this?

I’m 31 F but what up with that? I’ve gone through so much experience and trauma and have no siblings or parents and lost my parents two years ago so I’m experienced in life and I am responsible for myself 100% even emotionally I rely on myself. I rely on myself so much that it makes me so sick already. When I’m sick no one cares or asks . I have to carry myself to hospitals and doctors. I’ve vomited on the floor of a hospital when I got a flu because I had to do everything and all the steps for myself when I was already sick… to get things done and get diagnosed.

But when it comes to living and having fun and my style of clothing and stuff, these are pretty much the same as I was when I was 26 years old. So 5 years ago.

Why do coworkers who are 24-26 F keep telling me to live my age and not dress like a 26 year old? This is how I like to live my life. They keep commenting on how I look much younger than 31. It bothers me because they are obsessed with age.

It’s like I have this faded feeling of sadness but it’s melancholy and o can’t even cry. I don’t feel happy …. I am calmer. I am grieving and stressed out because of financial issues. I was so depressed , now I’m more anxious than sad… I regret not taking them before I caused mom stress which affected her diabetes and health. She had a right to blame me for her illness

It’s like I’m trying to achieve something. I don’t mean to look my best. Looks don’t matter. I just feel there’s nothing else I want to do that would make me feel a bit better.

I can go to the gym and draw but no I want to stay in bed and sleep and fight the urge to eat because every time I eat, I feel so guilty and terrible and I don’t even know if it has to do with mom’s death a year ago or loneliness or not. But I sometimes choose loneliness because I don’t want my friends to force me to feel better.

Because no matter what I do I don’t feel better. I just don’t know what to do. I’m trying to call my friend. I’m thinking about eating but that means I failed to fight the urge

I am staying at home today.
I can’t continue.
I am too bored no matter who I’m with or what I’m doing. It’s too much. I lost her a year ago…

I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel life

I’m talking about Ellie from “the whale”
The difference is that I’m older . I’m 30 and I don’t have another parent . This happened with my mom instead of Ellie’s dad.

I was angry like her, I said mean stuff and now I go back and I don’t know why. I’m stuck with regret and guilt. I wish she allowed me to help. I wish she seemed medical help or went to a therapist to treat the emotional eating she had instead of binge eating and looking at me in blame as if she was punishing me by depriving me of her existence.

It was hard on me too. I was already dealing with so much stuff and it was hard to go home to see mom depressed and not taking care of herself until it was too late. She thought she was beyond fixing and I told her I had to work another month to guarantee I get some rights then leave my job and I’d fix everything step by step. I try reassuring her but kept judging her when I got angry. She gave too many criticism and in a mean way and she compared me to other girls because she wanted me to be better than anyone. She hated anyone who looked/ did better than me. And she pushed me in this way.

I get she was depressed and she thought that leaving would make me better and free. She thought other people would care about me. But that didn’t happen. I’m now beyond repair stuck between guilt and, shame and regret that I couldn’t save her . ( she allowed me to call a doctor and try to help in the very end) she didn’t want to know what she had, she went to another doctor beforehand and she hid what he told her from me.

I feel like it was my responsibility and she blamed me for her depression and stress and illnesses ( diabetes , heart failure and blood pressure)

I just feel like I’m slowly fading. I feel bored doing everything . I’m lonely but never alone. I only spend one day in a week alone. I always feel bored and like I’m stuck and I’m already 30 so it’s more difficult to start new. I wasn’t enough to warrant her getting better

It’s like I’m Ellie after her dad’s death but with mom.

I’m talking about the whale movie. Went through something very similar. I’m older than Ellie and I’m 30 and have no dad . I had mom. so it’s worse because I feel like I don’t have much space to evolve but I have the same feeling… yes I was angry with her because seeing her like this made me mad and upset and depressed myself… I was depressed I couldn’t help her and I was alone. She didn’t let anyone help her.

Mom chose not to be treated and was emotional eating. I got blamed by others after her death. I tried to convince her but I don’t know if she was unhappy or what. I tried to get help and she let me when it was too late. She only let me call doctors when she felt like she was dying. Suddenly she gave me control and allowed to help her and the fact that it was too late made me feel like I was responsible for her death. I miss her. I have no one now. I have friends and yes I have a job but all my coworkers are evolving and I’m staying there because it’s my comfort zone … the boss isn’t promoting me or allowing me to extend my knowledge … I feel stuck. I do hobbies and go to the gym but I do everything while feeling bored of life

بجوع عادي و ببقي مش عايزه اكل في نفس الوقت و زهقانه بس النوم بيضيع كل ده… ليه عدم الاكل بيسعدني؟ رغم ان ممكن اكون جعانه؟

أنا دايما حاسة اني مسؤله عن اختيارات حياتي و اني بضيع وقت و دايما حاسه ان أنا قاعده في مكاني و محبوسة مش بتتطور زي زملائي مثلا. لسه في نفس المكتب و هم بيمشوا… مش عارفه هروح فين لو مشيت. و في نفس الوقت، النهارده لو نمت طول اليوم هيبقي اليوم الوحيد ال مش بجلد عليه نفسي اني نمت او معملتش فيه حاجة . ده عادي ده ولا ايه؟

نفسي اوصل لنحافه معينه كأنها هدف بس في الاخر مش فارقه زي اي حاجة في حياتي

I have no family , no parents( lost mom a year ago) or siblings but i have friends and i also can communicate with acquaintances. I do activities and have hobbies . I go out , I have a job in which I’m a senior. It doesn’t pay very well. I can do things besides it to get money.

I travel, wear what I want . I have freedom because I drew boundaries for toxic relatives who didn’t want me to live like I did before ( happy and free with mom) they put restrictions and I’m 31 F . I had to not deal with them. I’m now free and I hate dealing with them. They make me feel so uncomfortable and blame me for mom’s death. ( they say I didn’t help her enough. I had work and didn’t know she was sick and they told me I was selfish.)

I do whatever I want in a good way and I do good things, I help others, I have hobbies and make new friends every week.

But I feel bored while doing everything . I’m always bored. Why is this? Is this because I don’t wanna stay in life? So everything feels forced ?Or is it something else?