my mom died when I was 12. here’s everything that happened after. (F)
My mom died when I was 12. Cancer. She fought for 4 years which felt like forever in my little mind. A part of me always thought she was going to get better, even though I watched her life deteriorate over time. So when she died it sent me into a total shock. At 12 years old, I couldn’t mentally accept my mom’s death and kind of dissociated from reality. I remember when my stepdad told me the news that my mom passed, I didn’t even cry, I just got dressed and went to school and acted like nothing happened even though on the inside I was totally distraught.
Life got really chaotic for a while. There were a lot of people in and out. Packing and moving her things around. And then suddenly silence. There was no more family, no more friends, no more cheap lasagnas just my stepdad and 4 kids all under the age of 12. He got into a relationship within months of my mom passing but I wasn’t ready to accept any woman in the place of my mom. So I started to act out and become more rebellious. He moved her in and married her all within the first year.
At 14, I had moved to a small military town where my aunt lived. I felt like I was normal but looking back I was really struggling mentally. I still went to school. I really felt like I had lost control of my life. I tried moving back at 16 but it was short lived, I simply could not be comfortable in the house. My stepmom was just a weirdo, she would wear my mom’s clothes and stuff. So weird anyway.
I tried moving back at 16 but it was short lived and I this point I had been so depressed and confused about life. I was a teenager with almost no guidance.
At 17,I moved into my older brother’s apartment in Toronto. He was an artist. So free spirited and always being creative and just enjoying life. This is when I finally started to figure out who I was. But I still didn’t have it all together and unfortunately there were some bad people who took advantage of that.
When I turned 18 I had finally found a place of my own. I had to finish high school a little late and I still wasn’t where I wanted to be but little by little I started to get my life together. I actually became a midnight ballerina around this time. Which had its negatives and positives. But it gave me the freedom to experience life and explore.
Between 21 and 23 I started to travel and build a better name for myself. People were finally getting to see the real me but I had experienced some abusive relationships & my brother died putting me through grief all over again.
At 24 I had my son which is what I think is the total turning point. Having him have my life so much purpose. Even though I wished my mom was here through it. I had a little girl at 29.
And now I just turned 30. & even though I don’t have it all together. I feel like I’m alright. I’m on my way to wear I want to be. Im studying to become a nurse. I’m happy, healthy, my kids are healthy. I have a great man who supports me. I wish I was a little further along in my career right now but overall I’m happy with my life. I feel like the hard part is over. And now I can breathe again.
I might’ve just trauma dumped and told my business for no reason. But I mean. This might be able to help someone. Grief sends people down some crazy spirals. I’ve experience it all. But I’m the perfect example of the clichè “it gets better”. So for anyone who might’ve gone through a crazy life too after life. Me too. & I love you. We got this.
Xo