Will I ever actually get past this?
I met a girl around 4 months ago. I'm 35, she's 25 if it matters. A few weeks into dating we were watching a TV show and a joke about penis size came up and she just casually mentioned that she's only seen a few that were much larger than average. I'm above average but not by a ton and it was very clear from context she was talking about ones bigger than mine, even though she wasn't intentionally trying to say anything hurtful about me. I became extremely uncomfortable and asked her why she would tell me something which clearly implies she's been with guys who were more well-endowed than me as that seems obviously hurtful. I obviously wouldn't say something that clearly implies I've dated girls with a nicer ass or bigger boobs than her. This has been CONSTANTLY on my mind for months now. She's told me lots of times that she was not saying I'm not big enough or that she's not satisfied or anything like that and didn't realize it would make me feel bad. She's told me plenty of times that our sex life is the most satisfying she's ever had because even if I'm a bit smaller I'm much better at it than they were in lots of ways and have gotten her to places none of them ever did and the size difference wasn't drastic enough to even feel significantly different and size isn't the major factor in sex quality and I actually care about making sure she's satisfied rather than only caring about my own pleasure and she feels much more of an emotional connection with me than she did with any of them and so on. But none of that makes me feel better.
I frequently wonder if she's just saying this stuff to try to make me feel better, but she does seem genuinely satisfied and I know she really loves me and I do love her too but I just cannot get past this. It's driving me insane. I love her in almost every other way, and yet I am miserable with her. This disease is brutal. I've tackled lots of other OCD themes but any time this one has come up in past relationships, it eventually destroys them. I know this is my own insecurity and she didn't really do anything wrong other than mentioning something she obviously should have kept to herself, which causes me to frequently feel some anger towards her for being so insensitive as this seems very obvious to me that you should never say this to a guy unless you want to hurt them, but I don't express my anger towards her when I feel it. But it just never stops and is having an enormously negative impact on my mental and physical health. I can barely eat and it's affecting my sleep a lot. Idk how much longer I can keep trying.
The other thing that really bothers me is that she told me her most recent ex was a cop and I've had lots of bad experiences with them being total douchebags and harassing me for no reason and I just generally really don't like them. I know they aren't all bad but I still just don't like them in general so knowing she used to date and have sex with one of them is also extremely disturbing.
I've been in therapy with an OCD specialist for months working specifically on this and am not seeing any progress at all. It's looking like I'm just going to have to leave the woman I love because my broken brain just won't ever let me be happy. I feel like Ive tries everything, including lots of medications for not just this but lots of obsessive thinking about other things in the past. I've also done TMS and ECT. None of it has helped.