Trying my best to forget
I met my ex ten years ago when we worked together. She was married but we became friends on Facebook. We randomly got talking on Facebook Messenger ten years later and it eventually came out that she was still married but living a separate life from her husband as they’d agreed to end their marriage but they still lived under the same roof.
We talked quite a bit and we became friendly and eventually met up. We began talking every day and saw each other several times a week, but her ex husband to be was oblivious to it. I honestly did see it as a red flag but she assured me that her marriage was over and she was on the verge of hating him.
Despite this we became very close and she started telling me that she was falling in love with me, which is unusual for a Polish woman to be so open so early on. I had a secret though that I tried to hide but failed. I had severe depression for the last two years and I struggled severely and turned to alcohol and became alcohol dependant. She eventually realised this and stayed with me for longer than I expected. The final insult to her was getting drunk on New Year’s Eve and falling asleep when we were supposed to meet and have a meal in a restaurant and spend the night in a hotel.
i eventually woke up a few hours after we were supposed to meet and I contacted her. She agreed to meet up with me but when I saw her I could tell something had changed and she was far from happy with me. The next morning I took her home and that was the last time I saw her. I tried making contact but she was extremely cold and said if I didn’t leave her alone she would contact the police and then proceeded to block me everywhere.
Despite being upset I tried to accept it and move on and I went no contact but I failed and tried contacting her via email. She never replied but left me a very nasty message on my answer machine so I thought that was it and I left her alone. I then took steps to stop drinking. I’d get a few days and start again so I figured the only option was counselling and therapy. Ive managed to slay my demons and I’m so far 3 months sober and I’ve not felt this good in years. My confidence, clarity and enjoyment of life has returned but I still have regrets which I’m going to have to forgive myself and heal over time.
Unfortunately over the last week, 4.5 months later I’ve started thinking about her again and I’m wondering how she is. If her new job worked out for her etc. My brain is telling me to move on as if she wanted to talk she would have reached out, but my heart keeps telling me to try and contact her so she can see how much Ive turned my life around. I know after all this time she’s no doubt moved on but I’ve this dumb feeling that perhaps she hasn’t completely.
I‘m not really expecting or asking for advice as I just wanted to share my experiences. But damn, it’s hard when every moment you’re not engaged in something they enter your thoughts.