r/BreakupSurvival

hi i already made a post about my break up but i just wanna ask why did he do this? he broke up with me then started following bunch of girls plus he talked bad about all of them and then i find out from a friend that he texted that one girl and he talked the worst about her. im doing okay but i just dont know why he would do this. the reason behind the break up was that he started following random girls ( he follows only close friends thats why i confronted him) and then he was like its not like that u dont trust me (i dont wanna go into detail about all of the reasons), he broke up with me over a text when i was having exam week btw. so is he doing this just out of spite or what?

do cheaters come back after getting caught and left (in the beginning of the relationship they ghosted and came back and forgave them)

I’m 23(F) and my ex is 30(M). We were together for almost three years and recently broke up. I’m struggling to understand whether he genuinely loved me as much as he always said he did.
When we met, he was incredibly thoughtful. He planned dates, constantly bought me beautiful flowers, and made me feel loved. Before me, he’d only had one serious relationship from 19-23 and has always said he struggles to get over people.
Throughout our relationship, I knew he had a gambling addiction, and I stayed because I loved him. I stayed when he moved back in with his mum at 28 to get his life together, and I even stayed after he broke up with me once before. We got back together about eight months before our final breakup, and during those eight months he really put effort back into the relationship. He planned dates, treated me well, and I genuinely thought we were rebuilding what we’d lost.
Our final breakup happened while we were travelling together for three weeks. Near the end of the trip I found out he’d been gambling without telling me. We argued, and instead of trying to fix things he said, “I’m not good for you. This is for the best.”
He kept telling me he loved me more than anything but that I deserved better. That’s what’s confusing me. If he loved me that much, why didn’t he fight for us? Why didn’t he get help sooner? Why make the decision for both of us instead of letting me choose whether I wanted to stay?
What hurts is that I never left because of the gambling, him moving back home, or our previous breakup. I kept choosing him because I genuinely loved him.
Now I’m questioning everything. One minute I believe he loved me because of how he treated me, especially after we got back together, and the next I wonder if someone who truly loved me would hide his gambling and then walk away.
He never said he stopped loving me. His reason was always that he wasn’t good for me and that I deserved someone better.
So I’m asking people who have no emotional attachment to the situation.
Does this sound like someone who genuinely loved me but felt broken and overwhelmed by his addiction? Or does it sound like someone who had simply fallen out of love and used “you deserve better” as an excuse?
I’m not looking for false hope that we’ll get back together. I just want to understand what happened because right now my heart and my head are telling me two completely different stories.

Hey, short info, it was a 11.6 month long,.. I suppose pretty toxic and even worse, long distance relationship, if you can call it one. Its been 349 days since I broke up and every, single day truly is torture. This wasn't just a 1 year relationship to me, never was,.. I didn't want it to end this fast, I wanted it to end in 70 years beneath the earth and not like this..

So, I don't know where to begin, I already made a few posts, but this is about, well, what the title says I suppose..

So, I re-read our chat, for like the 7th time fully, I always thought a lot, but this time I truly analysed everything over many many hours, to finally understand it, but theres nothing to understand, which truly kills me. I dont even know what to believe anymore, he has had an extremely hypocritical behaviour, about 80% of his messages contradict eachother etc. So yea, everythings a total fucking mess I cant figure out..

Now, the major problem of the "relationship", was the superficiality and the non existent depth from his side. I know absolutely nothing about him,.. not even simple informations and most things I knew, were told in the beginning.. Yea, I tried for countless months, I could go into detail, how I spend over 8 hours on texts about such things, with the most love possible, only to get blamed etc. by him.. Yes, this repeated atleast 20 times. It was always the same, he avoided about 90% of all my messages and depth, I told him something incredibly important in a big text, he only went in on 1 out of 10 IMPORTANT things. I mentioned to him, how much I literally suffer and it was just pushed to the side, but when he suffered, it of course became my main fucking priority. I know I was naive, idiotic and still am for the things I do but well.

So, we had no closeness and I knew nothing about him (He knew it all about me, even though I have serious chronic issues with things like that), he was loving, to a certain degree, even though it seems weird now, since it does seem very contradicting in the end. But a very important things he always did, were excuses, things like his accent, even though I made sure to genuinely show him I'll love him no matter what, his parents hearing him speak English (bullshit, you'll see why in a minute), things like quote "he doesn't even like vc". Yea, he also always said that theres nothing to tell about him (again total bullshit) and that there are no topics to talk about. Yea, its way more complicated but this post is going to be way too long either way.

Fast forward, hes on that server we also met on, he plays there and.. is completely unbothered, not in like a avoidant and masking way, but genuinely like.. I never existed, not at all.. He truly seems, content and happy.. Now comes the bad things, he shares a lot about himself there, I probably found out more about him through the Server, than our literal relationship, yea, not like I was his fucking partner or something.. Not just that, but very Ironic behaviour, calling others our for things he did etc. But yea, the things he shares are going to sound completely superficial to most and thats because they are,.. the issue is, that I didn't even get these superficial things.. Yea..

He can even be in voice chat with them, not just for 10 minutes, but sometimes for hours, not just with 10-20 people, but just like right now, at the time I am writing this, with only one other person.. But with me, over months it was absolutely impossible?, not even 2 minutes?.. Right,.. not like the English is a problem anymore, or any other of the countless excuses he told me.. (A lot more happened, but I want to keep it short, but yea, he also plays countless games with them, asks them on his own, shows interest and such.. talks and laughs with them, even when tired etc.. Even today, he played a big multiplayer game with them, laughed about it, liked it a lot and seriously seemed to have so much fun, which is not the issue, the issue is the fact, that his actions contradict so many of his words)

I am scared that I truly am forgotten and worthless to him, that he seriously feels no guilt, remorse or even just misses me once a year, I dont need much, I just dont want to be forgotten and.. hated by him like this, all of this is so cruel.. I know I am weak and weird for checking his things, I am sorry

It just, it makes absolutely no sense to me, how he could do all of this.. He genuinely was loving, he wasn't a catfish or something,.. but he was, I dont know, I don't know why he did that and thats the issue, I dont get it why everyone gets shown more love and care/attention than I ever received from him, after literally giving my best daily, being vulnerable and used over and over again,.. Only to get more hope, then disappointment.. I love him, I truly do and I cannot comprehend what or why it happened and why this is happening now,..

I truly gave my best and I grinded down my needs so much,.. I truly asked for nothing, for the smallest things, just.. just more than the same stupid routine we followed every day out of good morning, how are you, goodnight.. While all my questions and needs were always pushed aside, even though according to him he always meant his words and wanted to live with me together too, right..

I was hoping he would atleast be a little sorry, or sad about the loss of me, but.. nothing, no signs of anything, quite the opposite..

I dont know what to do anymore, I want to reach out so fucking bad, write him a literal 10k+ word text, about all the shit that happened, but in the end, I don't think he would even read it.. But I also cannot live with the feeling of being so fucking worthless to him, after all I did.. It hurts so bad, everything does and I genuinely feel like I am going insane, I am sorry, also for how this writing is and the few infos, I suppose this a vent, but also.. An cry for understanding, nothing makes sense and yes, I tried everything for months, simple things etc, really do not help me get away or anything, my mind is constantly at him, nothing distracts me for more than at best 10 minutes, it's literal torture, with all those scenarios and such.. I dont know what to do anymore, or how to continue..

I dont even know what to see him as, there were so many loving moments, but also so many that are genuinely manipulative and even abusive, even if unintentional.. I love him and I know its crazy.. sorry

I am so nauseous and tired,.. I am sorry, I truly dont know how to let go, move on or anything else and it hurts like hell, I truly gave my best, so so many gigantic painful texts.. Oh it's bad, my sleep is ruined, same with my eating behaviour and literally everything else, it genuinely hurts..

I am sorry, I hope you'll all have a great day/night..

Some people heal through understanding. My brain operates like that. If I dont know WHY I can't move on.

So I hope I can help anyone who appreciates understanding.

The on and off monitoring can occur for a few reasons. (DAs are more likely to do this than FAs. FAs more so block their exes and focus on the new supply)

1).They know they can't commit, but they also dont want you to leave completely. Orbiting/monitoring you feeds their need for connection bc they still want a thread or string to be there. (More so a DA thing bc they dont typically monkey branch as fast or as often as FAs)

2). They enjoy the whimsy of yearning and pining over an impossible, ill fated romance, where they get to play some tragically love sick character. (These are the types listening to breakup music on spotify and reposting sad love content: FAs. They are extremely romantic. I had an FA friend who described it as: I want to want)

3). Breadcrumb to intentionally discourage you from forgetting them. Essentially a "dont forget about me." Its a control tactic. They dont want you close, but youre not allowed to leave either. These are the Manipulative types.

EDIT* I might as well tell on myself and give an example.

I unblocked mine last week for 001.0 of a second to see how he and his new girl are holding up and yep...I identified the same subtle tells.

All her comments on his videos were merely "hearted" like everyone else.

Im monitoring because I want to see if the way he engages with her online is the same way he did with me. If he treats her the same I will have more confirmation that he is playing out the same sequence only with someone new.

Me (25F) and my ex (27M) broke up 2 months ago. We were together for 2 years but the last months of our relationship we couldn’t really resolve conflict and would end up in really bad fights.

I had a very bad moment in my life (death of a loved one) like 3 weeks post break up and I told him, we were talking about meeting up to exchange stuff, but he came to me and was very affectionate and consoled me. We kissed eventually but I declined going further. We agreed we really missed each other but we’re doing good alone and we’d just talk if we needed and keep in light contact.

After that he started texting me about random things, most of them that he really didn’t need to, and I kept answering but it kept pushing me back to the beginning of the grief stage, until I decided to not answer again, which lasted a few days.

After that, I started thinking I should just be honest, I didn’t want to play any games.

I called him to ask to meet up and explain and we did, we decided we missed each other a lot, and he told me he loves me and thinks about me all the time. That he still has our pictures up on his room. That he can’t imagine a life without me, that he wants to have a family with me etc. We decided to not get back together but to see where it could go.

We started being intimate again and texting regularly.

Just yesterday I talked to him and asked him for clarity, told him I want to get back together and do it differently, I want us to be more curious about each other and resolve conflicts differently. I told him that I want a relationship where I’m chosen, and that I would choose him, that I think that that’s what love is.
He told me that he doesn’t want to get back together right now. He has ª startup that is just now really taking off and other jobs, and that he really needs to focus on that. That he loves me and wishes it could be different, that I’m still and will always be the love of his life and that he wants a family with me. We both cried, he asked me to lay down with me and we hugged, hands together. Then I left, I told him what I wanted clearly and that I couldn’t be with someone who can’t choose me.

After a few hours I texted him that I love him but we can’t stay in contact and he told me that he can’t think of never speaking to me again since I am and was so important to him. So I told him I needed 2 months to be alone, he said he respected it but couldn’t think of never speaking to me again.

It’s so hard for me to understand how he can tell me he loves me and wants a family with me but still not want to get back together because he’s doing so well alone. He is fully into the startup and that’s his reasoning, even when we were together all he did when he wasn’t with me was work in his startup.

How would you make sense of this? How can I?

I really can’t understand how you can love anyone so much and not choose them, not want to try…

Can anyone help me?

Is it really over if you both blocked each other on social media but continue the argument via email? 😭😅

Been together for 2.5 years. Relationship was super intimate and intense. We see each other 3 days a week. Then 5 days during his last month here in our country. Then every single day in his last week. He had to leave the country last June. I was the one who’s with him the night before his flight. And I was the only one who sent him off to the airport. He did not ask for any of his friends or family. Just me. It’s been 2 months now since he left, and oh boy, LDR is killing me.

We had frequent arguments before he left. And we still do argue even with the distance. But it’s more challenging because we can’t kiss and make up, physically! Every time we argue, my resort is to break up. I kept pushing him away. That’s my self defense, I guess. I’m scared that he’ll forget about me because he’s in a new environment now. But he kept telling me to hold on as long as we can, to find solutions instead of breaking up. But last week, we had a fight again. He did not message me before my sleeping time. So the next day, I message him as to why he did not care to check on me that night. He called to explain himself. He said it’s because he’s annoyed that there will be an office party this weekend and he won’t be there to protect me. He asked me if I could consider not going but I said “Don’t act like you care. You left me here, what do you expect me to do? Rot in my apartment? Stop meddling with my life!”
Then he did not reply. He started posting songs on Messenger and knowing him, he shares songs that reflects his feelings at the moment. First, he posted “So Far Away” by Staind. The next day, he posted “Black” by Pearl Jam. Then he posted “Love My Way” by Psychedelic Furs. Then I stopped sharing songs too (yes, we shared songs to communicate indirectly). There he shared For No One by The Beatles. Then finally, he messaged me. He said, “If I’m being too possessive and jealous and you can’t continue with your life, then tell me if you want to end this. Because let’s be honest, we’re not happy with our current setup.” I replied with “Can I think about it first?” Then he said, “I’ll block you, I can’t stand being in this situation (him not knowing if I still want him). Just email me if you want to tell me your answer.” So I did. We blocked each other but we ended up emailing each other back and forth for 2 days straight. Arguing. Saying each other’s piece. He said he was hurt that I yelled at him not to meddle with my life anymore. For him that meant I don’t want him anymore. And I told him I was hurt that he did not message me that night and messages me sometimes too late at night.

So yeah. I just want to know if we’re crazy for still communicating via email? Can we survive LDR?

I’m writing for advice/an outside opinion on this and partially just to get this out of my head as I feel like I am annoying everyone around me by bringing it up so much. Also sorry if this is all over the place as my brain is still a bit all over the place from the break up and so my thoughts may come out a bit disorganized in this. 

So my ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago. We were together for 8 months. We had quite a bit in common and I really liked him a lot. He told me all the time he liked me a lot too. The reason for the break up was due to a lack of communication on my part. I am a pretty shy person and I have some anxiety and childhood issues that contributed to my introverted-ness and anxiety around talking. He is more extroverted and he talked more than I did. When it came to talking about more serious topics, it was hard for me to talk about them. Anytime he would notice something was wrong, he would ask me 'what's wrong?' and I wouldn’t really say until a few minutes before I left his place. 4 or 5 days before we broke up, we were talking and he brought up how I didn't talk a lot and how we didn't have any deep conversations and unfortunately that was true. I told him then that I would work on communication and I honestly was going to and still am going to work on my communication skills. I wanted to have deeper conversations and all but my anxiety held me back. I know that communication and anxiety is something that I have to work on regardless of whether we get back together or not.

I ended up calling him and we broke up over the phone. I brought up breaking up and he basically agreed. We both mutually agreed to breaking up. He sounded disappointed during the conversation but didn't really fight to keep the relationship.

This is my first ever relationship and we used to text every day and we hung out every weekend so I think that is partially why this is hitting me so hard. I know that the communication issues could have been easily fixed with a conversation or two or at the very least, with a conversation, he could have had a better understanding as to why communication might be a bit more difficult for me and had a bit more patience and instead I brought up breaking up and that may also be a factor as to why I can't get over him. It's something I could have and should have talked to him about that possibly could have helped and knowing that I didn't talk to him about it is really eating at me. I really regret breaking up with him.

I want him back and I want to work it out but at this point I don't see any possibility of it happening. I messaged him twice about having a conversation in person. He responded both times saying we can have a conversation then but a convo would have to be at some point in the future. I sent him a text asking if I could call him and talk to him for a few minutes and he never responded to that text. I know that was a mistake asking to call and I shouldn’t have sent that message. I really want to text or call him right now but I honestly don’t think that will be a good idea as that might do more harm than good.

I really liked him and cared for him a lot and I know he did care about me a lot too. Moving on feels so impossible. I have been trying to keep myself busy so I don't have much time to think about him I’m trying not to think about him right now but I can’t stop thinking about him. This hurts so much I hate it. I wish I had never brought up breaking up. I still wish that I was with him. I just need some outside opinions/advice. How do I move on(especially when I don't want to)?