r/BreakupSurvival

I (M45) met my girlfriend K (F32) around 8 years ago. She was a singer in a band I used to play guitar and sing with. I had already left the band when she joined, but we started talking through Instagram.

From the beginning, I felt there was mutual attraction and flirting. I tried to keep contact with her, but for almost 3 years things were very inconsistent. She would agree to meet, but in reality we would only see each other once every couple of months. During that period we both had other relationships as well, so I never pressured her or expected commitment from her.

Eventually, after almost 3 years of this push-pull dynamic, we finally got together officially. For the next 4 years, our relationship felt very strong. We had similar humor, shared music interests, deep emotional connection, chemistry, and we genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. She often told me I was her “other half,” and after years of uncertainty, I finally felt emotionally safe with someone.

At some point, she left her old band because the environment there was toxic. Through musician friends of mine, I helped her join one of the most famous live bands in Greece. She became one of the singers there, and professionally things started going much better for her.

But this also slowly changed our lifestyle. Because of rehearsals, performances, late-night work, weekends away, and events, we almost completely lost our weekends together. For the last couple of years, we barely had time for vacations or quality time as a couple.

Then, about a year ago, I bought a small apartment as an investment and started renovating it. The renovation turned into a difficult and stressful process: problematic neighbors, unreliable workers, and constant issues. I became very anxious and mentally exhausted. That atmosphere definitely affected our relationship and our home life.

Around that same period, our sex life also became less frequent. Looking back now, I can see that this deeply affected her emotionally, although at the time I underestimated how important it was to her.

About 6 months ago, I started noticing that she was gradually changing. She became colder, less affectionate, emotionally distant, less interested in intimacy, and generally detached from me. At first, I thought she was simply exhausted from balancing a daytime job and singing professionally at night.

I repeatedly asked her if something was wrong, but she mostly avoided deeper conversations. The only serious thing she said was: “How long has it been since we had sex? Is this how things are going to be from now on?”

I told her that I understood her frustration and that I had been under extreme stress lately, but that things would improve soon once the apartment situation settled down. I also told her that communication was important, and that if something was missing emotionally or sexually, we should openly discuss it instead of letting distance grow between us.

Unfortunately, instead of communicating, she kept emotionally withdrawing more and more.

A few months later, she asked for “some space” and temporarily moved back to her parents’ house. Even then, during weekdays she still came to my apartment sometimes, so I thought maybe we were simply going through a difficult phase and trying to reset things slowly.

But emotionally, she already seemed gone.

Recently, while she was on tour in the US with the band, I discovered messages on Instagram that revealed she had been having an ongoing sexual relationship for months with one of the musicians in the band.

When I confronted her, at first she denied it, but eventually admitted everything after pressure. What hurt me the most is that during all these months, while I was desperately trying to fix the relationship, understand what was wrong, improve myself, and reconnect with her emotionally, she was already emotionally and sexually involved with someone else.

I asked her if there was any possibility for us to seriously try again and rebuild things after all this. She told me very clearly that she does not want to continue the relationship and “cannot” try again.

What confuses me is that she insists she is not leaving me for him. According to her, the relationship with him “is not something serious,” and the real reason she wants to leave is because her feelings for me changed over time and she no longer feels the same emotional connection she once did.

Part of me understands that relationships can deteriorate under stress, emotional neglect, lack of intimacy, and distance. I know I was not emotionally present enough during the last year because I was consumed by anxiety and problems.

But another part of me struggles deeply with the fact that instead of honestly communicating or leaving cleanly, she chose to slowly detach while keeping me emotionally invested, hopeful, and trying to save the relationship — all while secretly building another connection behind my back.

Right now I honestly don’t know what to believe anymore: Was she emotionally gone long before I discovered the affair? Did the affair become an escape from an already dying relationship? Or did the affair itself gradually destroy whatever feelings she still had for me?

I know nobody here can read her mind. I’m just trying to understand how situations like this usually evolve psychologically, because right now I feel like the person I knew completely disappeared.

At the moment, I am not functioning well emotionally. I think about her constantly and I struggle to let go of hope that things might still change. A part of me keeps imagining that once she is back from touring and returns to everyday life without me, she might reconsider or feel differently about what she has done and what we had. Even though I also intellectually understand that this may just be my mind trying to avoid accepting the finality of the situation, I cannot fully shut that hope down yet. I am stuck between acceptance and emotional attachment, and it is affecting my sleep, focus, and overall mental stability.

Hi all,

I just wanted to share my experience here. I am female in my late 40s so I have enough experience under my belt.
Recently my bf/ex? wanted to take a break from our relationship for 2 months, which started last month. We were together for 5 years. I have been in NC from the time he asked for this break. It hurts and has been hurting like sh*t. I tell you that. Even though I had been in five relationships prior to this one. But this time alone gave me some time to reflect. I have been listening to youtube videos from Coach Lee. Google him! He has a soothing voice and help me alot during my most difficult times.

With that said, here's my anecdotal experiences:

Relationship #1: "RR"
Last for only 3 months.
I was 17. (Yep). He was 39. (yep!). Let's call this ex "RR."
I begged him to take me back. I kneeled and cried in front of him and whoever that person was who had been sleeping with him.
Since this was 1999 and I was 15, I had no cell phone. So I was forced to no contact. I told my fam who did not know I was in this relationship to not relay me any of his phone calls when he called our landline.
Fast forward 6 months later (year 2000), I went to college in another state. I met this guy; let's call him "TP." He just broke up with me. On the same time, I was over "RR".
During spring break, I came back home. For some reason, I decided to go to his house and left a sticky note on his door, saying hi and provided our new landline number.
He called within 1 day.
I met "RR" and he told me that he really regretted everything. He said he tried to go to McDonald where I used to work to apologize but I was in college already at that time. I think he still had some feelings for me. He tried to kiss me and I budged. At this time, I was too preoccupied with my sadness getting over "TP."

Relationship #2: "TP"
Last for 4 months.
Super asshole. I was 18 and he was 29. The age gap was decreasing!
He was very controlling and forbade me to go to malls. One time I went to a mall and bought a Gap t shirt. He found out the receipt, and asked me whether I went to a mall. I lied. He broke up with me. I called him several times via landline and begged him. A friend of mine, who apparently had been sleeping with him as well during the same time, set up a meeting between me and him so that he could apologize. "TP" literally ran away as soon as he saw me in the meeting place.
My friend saw how down I was for weeks. In hindsight, I think my friend was also falling for him. Anywho from my friend I also found out that he had been sleeping with at least multiple guys and girls when I was with him. So it made it easier for me to get over him.
I started getting busy. I got my first car and one day when I was driving at night, I noticed that a guy on the car beside me waving at me. When I looked at his direction it was "TP." He asked me to park and I did. It came out as a surprise for me since he has not been in my mind. He left me a napkin with his phone number on it. I never called him. I probably had an urge to call him but remembering what he had been sleeping with other people during this time made me realize that I could have someone better than him. I never contacted him.
To be continued.

so three weeks ago, my (25m) boyfriend (23m) broke up with me very suddenly after my birthday weekend (my birthday was on a friday, we celebrated and hung out friday, saturday, and sunday, and he broke up with me that following monday). this came very out of left field and left me very frustrated, annoyed, hurt, all the things.

we planned to hang out that monday and grab some dinner. he then came over to my house with my things and broke up with me. as i was dealing with the initial shock of everything, he said “well you’re not responding so i guess i’ll just go.” our almost year-long relationship was ended in about roughly 3 minute conversation.

i then called him once i had something to say (this was probably 5 minutes after he left), and i asked how this came on so suddenly. he said that there were things that he needs that i can’t give him and there are things that i need he can’t give me. when i asked him to elaborate on it, he said that he didn’t want to talk about it and hung up the phone. about a week later, i sent him a text giving him my piece. he has not responded and we have been no contact ever since.

now in processing all of this, my sister said something that i can’t necessarily shake away. “it sounds like he met someone else or was cheating on you and wasn’t telling you to leave unscathed.” now, ex is huge homebody, but he did just complete a very long run of a 4-man show at a professional theatre in our area (we are both actors). i am currently in a production there later this summer, and there are a couple of people from his cast/team that are in my cast. 3 of the 4 men in his cast were gay (and the 1 straight guy is questionable) and he would regularly refer to one of them as “hot frankie” (character name in the show).

now, do i ask the guy in my cast if he noticed anything suspicious going on? they closed the show about a month ago. would something be going on? i’m not even sure what i would do with this information. this whole situation revealed several red flags about him, so i’m pretty much over him and am not planning on contacting him in any way. what should i do?

My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me a few days ago, we met when we were 14 and started dating at 15-19. We both were really in love with each other and live really close together in the same neighborhood in seville and had a really special connection, we did everything there is to do together. A few months ago, I noticed him changing and becoming more distant and quiet, and so I mentally started pulling away too and not involving him 100% in my life, but I never thought we would actually break up for good. He ended things with me and said that he feels better off without me and we dont match together right now.
I knew that we had our differences but I feel like I used to exaggerate them to test his love about me.. We still really matched I feel in the way we talked, the things we did together and our same tastes/motivations, the way we grew up, our work , our intimacy, and we go to the same college!!

I grew to love his differences to me but i guess he didnt with me:(

I dont understand how he could just break up with me out of the blue and just get over me so quickly:(
I really want to get back together with him in a few years when we both work on ourselves, but Im worried he will move on and forget about me and love someone else

Should I focus on moving on and forgetting about him and convincing myself that he doesnt care about me? I cant help but keep waiting for him to come back and thinking about us getting back together. I know that he has changed and the sweet boy I fell in love with became so rude and careless to me, but I feel like I just cant accept that its all over and he is a bad person. the thought of him being so sweet with another girl makes me sick

What can I do to get out of this mental torture:( i feel like it consumes my mind all day and I cant think about anything else

Does anyone ever feel like if they stop moving physically or mentally, like constant planning or doing, the sadness will catch up on and consume their entire being?

We are both 23 and were dating since we are 20. We go to different universities and now is not the time both of us got hardest time in our lives. Both of us thought this would last and went extra miles that no one would've went. His family pressured him to abandon the degree he loved so he feels so out of place in his life and want his dreams back so he's obsessed with them which I can't blame him for. On the other hand I (23f) at least did not have to do that so I'm on the way to my planned career so he thinks I'm in a lot better place than him , but hard times doesn't make you feel anything good about your choice of university . Both of us planned years ahefad of our lives how we would travel , retire early and have time for ourselves. He was obsessed with me at the start and I thought best thing to do is being with him at the cost of my academics which I didn't regret at that time( even now). He was diagnosed with bipolar and didn't want to take meds for a long time so I had to tolerate his tantrums sudden coldness and rudeness for a long while bcz i thought eventually things will work out. He then got help and so much better now mentally and now the only thing in his head is his academics and not me for a one bit. I feel selfish for asking his time although he aked hours of my time earlier and I gave although I was struggling to make everything work. He didn't call me for 3 months amd only time we had a conversation longer than 10 mins was in weekend. This is like this for 2 months because his semester end exam whereas earlier he wanted me to talk to him even the day before my exam. I started university just prior to his diagnosis and he made me hate everything about university life putting rules to a point he asked me to depend on him because we are staying forever and I totalky trusted him. I couldn't see for a one bit what I will do if this fails. Now I'm diagnosed with depression and currently on meds after some time trying to manage on my own. I am barely on a B+ level now although I was a straight A student before.

Now he accuses me for having no dreams because according to him asking him to talk to me for five minutes is a thing someone who isn't working on their ambitions would do. Now he says he can't do two things together and If he stays with me he'll have to wait till he's 60 for his dreams to come true. He says that he's having it harder and if it is my decision to stay I will have to bear his disconnected life forever because he likes to work .

Finally he said he's tired of this and it's better if we move on. Via just a text . He says he can't lose his dreams because of some love. I didn't ask him to. It's easy for him to say because now he doesnt need to spend 10 minutes a week talking to me. My friend also says someone else wouldve left him earlier but my stupid self can't bring myself to unlove him. He has done terrible things to me but still I don't want this to end. I know very well if this is meant to last this would've but right now I don't know what to think. My life feels stuck. Every sacrifice feels like a waste and I feel used. Please tell me what to think because I'm afarid of my own thoughts right now

My ex (M23) and I (F22) broke up about a month ago. We started dating 4 years ago but broke up 3 years ago for 10 months and then got back together up until a month ago. He said he needed time to think but ultimately decided he felt better apart and is moving out.

It ended amicably, he was very sweet but I wish we could’ve worked on it. We never fought. He said he didn’t feel comfortable saying he was unhappy about something because he was scared I would be sad. And he felt he already told me he needed space but after a couple months we would get in the same habits.

I keep seeing posts like go no contact and they always come back, but he said he wouldn’t want to try another time since we’ve already broken up.

Can someone tell me how to actually heal from a breakup? i’ve had 3 girlfriends. I got cheated on every single time. Every relationship I would get progressively worse and worse as a boyfriend. I think it might have something to do with my experience from relationships.

First girl got treated like a princess. she cheated on me and i instantly jumped into another relationship. Second girl got treated okay. Nothing like the first girl. I ended up cheating on her with the “just in case she cheats on me” mindset. It worked out because it turned out she was cheating on me too. Not saying I was right for cheating and I know not to repeat that mistake again

But then I got with the 3rd girl which made it my 3rd back to back relationship since freshmen year of high school. I started dating this girl beginning of my junior year and we dated up until she went to college. I genuinely loved that girl to death but I never showed it. I was a complete piece of shit this time around.

Towards the end of our relationship I started maturing and learning from my mistakes so I started changing how I treated her and just tried my best to be the person she deserves but by then the damage was already done. She cheated on me too which i forgave her for because I genuinely wanted to be with her forever but she left me for the guy she cheated with.

That was back in December. It has been 6 months since then. This time I thought it would be best if I didn’t jump right into another relationship. I wanted to take some time to heal which i’ve been doing for the last 6 months

I guess I don’t really know how to actually heal since I never tried this before. I thought just waiting it out would do the trick but it’s been half a year and I still can’t get rid of our pictures. I still catch myself stalking her social media from time to time or even texting her sometimes. She cheated on the guy she’s with now with me in the beginning but for the most part she’s just been ignoring me which kind of makes me look pathetic in a way but for some reason it doesn’t stop me from checking up on her still

Can someone tell me what to do in order to actually heal from this relationship? Clearly just thugging it out doesn’t work. What do I gotta do? I’m stationed in a whole different country now so I don’t get why this is so hard for me but it is. I want to be at my best whenever the next girl comes into my life because I never want to ruin another poor girl like that again.

Someone please help because i’ve been so depressed and suicidal for the last 6 months it’s not even funny. I’m also recovering from a motorcycle accident and I’ve been on recovery leave for the last 30 days so I have just been stuck in the barracks all month which is not helping at all.