u/velithae

Hey, short info, it was a 11.6 month long,.. I suppose pretty toxic and even worse, long distance relationship, if you can call it one. Its been 349 days since I broke up and every, single day truly is torture. This wasn't just a 1 year relationship to me, never was,.. I didn't want it to end this fast, I wanted it to end in 70 years beneath the earth and not like this..

So, I don't know where to begin, I already made a few posts, but this is about, well, what the title says I suppose..

So, I re-read our chat, for like the 7th time fully, I always thought a lot, but this time I truly analysed everything over many many hours, to finally understand it, but theres nothing to understand, which truly kills me. I dont even know what to believe anymore, he has had an extremely hypocritical behaviour, about 80% of his messages contradict eachother etc. So yea, everythings a total fucking mess I cant figure out..

Now, the major problem of the "relationship", was the superficiality and the non existent depth from his side. I know absolutely nothing about him,.. not even simple informations and most things I knew, were told in the beginning.. Yea, I tried for countless months, I could go into detail, how I spend over 8 hours on texts about such things, with the most love possible, only to get blamed etc. by him.. Yes, this repeated atleast 20 times. It was always the same, he avoided about 90% of all my messages and depth, I told him something incredibly important in a big text, he only went in on 1 out of 10 IMPORTANT things. I mentioned to him, how much I literally suffer and it was just pushed to the side, but when he suffered, it of course became my main fucking priority. I know I was naive, idiotic and still am for the things I do but well.

So, we had no closeness and I knew nothing about him (He knew it all about me, even though I have serious chronic issues with things like that), he was loving, to a certain degree, even though it seems weird now, since it does seem very contradicting in the end. But a very important things he always did, were excuses, things like his accent, even though I made sure to genuinely show him I'll love him no matter what, his parents hearing him speak English (bullshit, you'll see why in a minute), things like quote "he doesn't even like vc". Yea, he also always said that theres nothing to tell about him (again total bullshit) and that there are no topics to talk about. Yea, its way more complicated but this post is going to be way too long either way.

Fast forward, hes on that server we also met on, he plays there and.. is completely unbothered, not in like a avoidant and masking way, but genuinely like.. I never existed, not at all.. He truly seems, content and happy.. Now comes the bad things, he shares a lot about himself there, I probably found out more about him through the Server, than our literal relationship, yea, not like I was his fucking partner or something.. Not just that, but very Ironic behaviour, calling others our for things he did etc. But yea, the things he shares are going to sound completely superficial to most and thats because they are,.. the issue is, that I didn't even get these superficial things.. Yea..

He can even be in voice chat with them, not just for 10 minutes, but sometimes for hours, not just with 10-20 people, but just like right now, at the time I am writing this, with only one other person.. But with me, over months it was absolutely impossible?, not even 2 minutes?.. Right,.. not like the English is a problem anymore, or any other of the countless excuses he told me.. (A lot more happened, but I want to keep it short, but yea, he also plays countless games with them, asks them on his own, shows interest and such.. talks and laughs with them, even when tired etc.. Even today, he played a big multiplayer game with them, laughed about it, liked it a lot and seriously seemed to have so much fun, which is not the issue, the issue is the fact, that his actions contradict so many of his words)

I am scared that I truly am forgotten and worthless to him, that he seriously feels no guilt, remorse or even just misses me once a year, I dont need much, I just dont want to be forgotten and.. hated by him like this, all of this is so cruel.. I know I am weak and weird for checking his things, I am sorry

It just, it makes absolutely no sense to me, how he could do all of this.. He genuinely was loving, he wasn't a catfish or something,.. but he was, I dont know, I don't know why he did that and thats the issue, I dont get it why everyone gets shown more love and care/attention than I ever received from him, after literally giving my best daily, being vulnerable and used over and over again,.. Only to get more hope, then disappointment.. I love him, I truly do and I cannot comprehend what or why it happened and why this is happening now,..

I truly gave my best and I grinded down my needs so much,.. I truly asked for nothing, for the smallest things, just.. just more than the same stupid routine we followed every day out of good morning, how are you, goodnight.. While all my questions and needs were always pushed aside, even though according to him he always meant his words and wanted to live with me together too, right..

I was hoping he would atleast be a little sorry, or sad about the loss of me, but.. nothing, no signs of anything, quite the opposite..

I dont know what to do anymore, I want to reach out so fucking bad, write him a literal 10k+ word text, about all the shit that happened, but in the end, I don't think he would even read it.. But I also cannot live with the feeling of being so fucking worthless to him, after all I did.. It hurts so bad, everything does and I genuinely feel like I am going insane, I am sorry, also for how this writing is and the few infos, I suppose this a vent, but also.. An cry for understanding, nothing makes sense and yes, I tried everything for months, simple things etc, really do not help me get away or anything, my mind is constantly at him, nothing distracts me for more than at best 10 minutes, it's literal torture, with all those scenarios and such.. I dont know what to do anymore, or how to continue..

I dont even know what to see him as, there were so many loving moments, but also so many that are genuinely manipulative and even abusive, even if unintentional.. I love him and I know its crazy.. sorry

I am so nauseous and tired,.. I am sorry, I truly dont know how to let go, move on or anything else and it hurts like hell, I truly gave my best, so so many gigantic painful texts.. Oh it's bad, my sleep is ruined, same with my eating behaviour and literally everything else, it genuinely hurts..

I am sorry, I hope you'll all have a great day/night..

TL;DR: I (M) ended an 11-month LDR (2300km) with a boy one year older than me almost a year ago. It was incredibly superficial from his side -- no calls, no photos, just text. Now, I found his public gaming discord, that we met on and heard his voice for the first time. Seeing him do everything with strangers that he denied me is breaking me completely. I don't know how to survive this pain.

Hello, so I wont go into too much detail on that, but exactly 329 days ago, I eneded a long-distance relationship with another boy one year older than me. It lasted for 11.6 months with a distance of 2300km. I had pretty big issues for multiple years now, especially about myself.. I also always had an insane amount of need for closeness and warmth, even though I cant even shake hands right, or hug family members..

• ((The relationship itself.. Well, I am still unsure. It was pretty "one sided", I gave everything, I would have done absolutely everything for him and truly tried to make him so so happy, I even shared infos about myself that I truly hate, like my looks and voice etc., wrote 3000word love texts and so on.. -- He, wrote loving words too, we had a pretty "loving" relationship, even tho a big issue I had, was the missing depth and closeness.. I only knew the basics about him and we rarely spend a lot of time together,.. I spend countless hours in games for him, but we rarely played them.
• In those 11 months we never called or anything,.. I dont know what he looks like, or sounds like, allthough the second part sadly changed a few days ago. But yea, we sadly had a pretty superficial relationship. I tried for so many months, so many times to finally get close and he truly seemed like he wanted it too, but he never changed or did it back.. ))

everything got so much worse, firstly I have so many questions open and I genuinly do not understand what happened.. On our breakup he had some insanely blaming things, while I reassured him the whole time and after that it just ended.. And none of my friends could really understand the relationship,.. they told me everything, from him "abusing" me for his ego, to me just not initiating enouh and living with the uncertainty of what really happened, of what he really thinks, truly kills me..

But not just that, a big problem is also that I cannot comprehend things like this, like an end.. Its hard to explain, but I cannot really think about for example.. Death, thats why I dont really cry about the fact someone died, even if I loved them incredibly much (for example my cat), I did miss him, but I couldnt comprehend the fact that hes gone, of course I know he is, but my body just cant accept it.. its weird..

But for him its just like.., he totally forgot about me, completly, its like he never cared or loved me, like my whole existence and love was just erased.., it hurts so bad, I am still so in love with him, which is probably the biggest issue, because I still crave and need him so bad, I still only want him etc.. I never was someone who crushed on people etc., like, I am very monogamous (I think thats thw word?), I cannot even think about loving someone else and never did,.. And I know its sick and probably also just obsession, but I just cant stop.. He was absolutely everything to be, I never wanted to break up, I wanted to marry him someday.

Something I am very ashamed of and I know its weird, is that.. Ive been constantly looking at the server he plays in, its like a public dc server, connected to the game chat he plays and ive been looking, for atleast 170 days, atleast after the breakup. I managed to stop for a while, but the pain without seeing him was so bad, that I got into this habit again.. Yea, even now on my other monitor.. And yes I tried everything, I deleted it etc.. But the discover feature is still there..

• The thing is, what I saw there makes me wonder even more.. The way he can write with them, the many countless jokes he can make, even how he tells them hello, its not cope or anything, hes genuinly.. so fine with them, but thats not the issue, I always wanted him to be happy afterall, eventhough that was before I saw how much he lied to me with excuses etc.. But for example, he can post things there, talk about his dreams etc etc.. If feels like ge genuinly loves them more than he ever did me..
• He can do everything there, that I wanted him to do with me,.. And this is just cruel, I wanted to know him from the depth of my heart and did everything to make him comfortable and yet, these random people get all of this? The worst part is.. That he even talked with them and I heard his voice..
• Yea, this was terrible. He couldnt talk to me in 11+ months, because of excuses like his accent etc. I always reassured him, that I would genuinly love him no matter what and I MEANT THAT.. But it never came. But with them, he talks for hours now, not just with 2 people, but even with 11. He streams with them, watches things with them (all things I wanted to do) and its just.. terrible? How could he do that to me and then give it to everyone else?..
• The issue is also that I,.. Joined on a secret alt and, heard his voice. I know this is my fault, but it still broke me badly. This was the worst thing ever.. The accent is fully fine, his voice is beutifull, genuinly.. I dont get why he kept eveything so distant from me? Didnt want to get closer even though he said things like that too, like how he wants to meet me and finally fall asleep in eachothers arms.. So why did all of this happen?

I just do not understand where everything went wrong, if I was at fault too etc.. And hearing his voice, just completely messed me up.. But also seeing how much, how insanely much he can write with them, these conversations we never had.. Why??

The main issue is that I really do not know how to live like this, these thoughts and the knowledge that he does not give a shit about me, that everything I did is completely worthless is hurting too bad.. I dont want to be forgotten by the only person I wanted to be remembered by?.. I dont understand how to continue, also with hearing his voice now and I constantly have thoughts of.. yea..

I cant even distract myself, nothing helps, not games, not even a dentist.. Hes always in my head, another big problem being all of the scenarios.. I have, made out an entire life for us in my head, a perfect and amazing life, I have so many scenarios of us doing amazing things together and they just eat me up every day.. It feels like I am genuinly going crazy, my body hurts, I am nauseous and everything is terrible.. I just dont understand all of this, the why and what..

He has his birthday in a few days, I wish I could message him but I am aware that thats extremely stupid. I had online therapy, it didnt help with anything and I constantly still analyse everything..

I am sorry for writing so much and my chaotic english.. I hope its still okay?, I am unsure, this is a vent but at the same time, I dont know how to continue anymore.. So advice is heavily appreciated..

I do not know how to continue living like this, no, therapie does not help.. I miss him..

Thanks to anyone who even read it and I hope that everyone will have a great night/day!..

I dont know what to do, the storys long, I made posts long ago if anyone's interested but this..

Basically shortly I was in a genuine LDR relationship for 11.6 months, it ended exactly 322 days ago, I gave absolutely everything in the relationship, made myself vulnerable literally each day, suffered both mentally and physically and he, he never got vulnerable, no matter how long I tried, I gave him everything, showed him that I listen to him, that I love him no matter what, I literally adored him entirely, I would have done and listened to anything, I would have let him do anything to me.. I truly craved everything about him

!!But, I knew nothing about him, his name, favourite things, sure, that I do.. But I never found out what he looks or sounds like at all, even though I always told him how much I want to hear him laugh with me, to see him etc.

I am ashamed of it, I know its disgusting but I cant stop myself, for atleast 200+ days I have been.. looking at practically all messages he wrote on the server we met,.. I practically checked it about 50+ times each day.. The things on there really hurt me, the things he writes, but everyone told me its just cope, although I sadly feel otherwise.

He was also in VC, it hurt me, but well it was fine.. because the one guy told me hes too shy to talk if he couldn't with me..

Until I fucking checked yesterday he was fully unmuted, I joined with a secret alt but he didn't say anything.. but today, today he did, he did for hours, I broke down while they laughed with eachother, had fun and oh my fucking god, I fucking heard him, I heard his accent, I heard his voice, it's pitch, his fucking laugh.. This shit can't be fucking real

I don't know what to do, I've genuinely been feeling incredibly miserable for years and even worse since the breakup, way worse, no hotlines no nothing helped, I just suffered, waited and had constant scenarios of us etc. It was already so insanely difficult to get even close to letting go but now, now I feel like theres absolutely no way out, none. I wish I could just.. yea, I did so for long now but this just.. No this is so disgutingly painful, everything hurts just like it did in arguments back then, my chest is so tight, I am insanely nauseous and I broke down multiple times and I just

Really do not know what to do, I do not know how to accept this, how to fucking survive this? I love him and even just the thought about being nothing to him anymore and about never finding out who he really is ruined me, but now it was multiplied, now I am genuinely, done.. I dont know anymore, I am fucked, I cant confront him.. even if I definitely want to and the relationship was so complicated that none of my friends really understand or listen to it, most dont even call it a real relationship but oh god did I fucking love him, I did everything for him, I adored him, I treated him like were truly together and now? Hearing that after all this time, completely ends me..

Please, I am sorry, I dont know what to do or what I am even really asking, I dont know what would help, or what to do with all this.. I wish I could write him, but I cant.. He didn't change, but I just cant live like this.. I am sorry, (I wont do anything bad now but, but it feels so insanely horrible just laying here, no nothing distracts me for a second, I am serious I tried so much already and this set me back far below 0)..