u/Expert-Barnacle1576

I can’t stop crying, I wish I wasn’t sensitive. For context my grandma always comes to my door telling me bad news. she shares her complaints she rants for hours without asking me to listen she just expects it ig. and walking away doesn’t work neither does not replying because she’ll follow me no matter where I go and continue she won’t stop until she’s done or unless I upset her somehow. but I don’t upset her intentionally.

about 10 minutes ago she comes to by door complaining about someone loitering in our yard and I went to say something but I closed my mouth because she continued talking and I didn’t want to interrupt her. but then she asked me what I said and I tolf her I didn’t say anything because I really didn’t. I just opened my mouth because I was going to speak but I realized she wasn’t done so I stayed silent.

somehow that mad her mad and she threw her arms up in the air and let them fall hitting her sides and then she stomped off really loudly in the middle of the conversation. so now I’m gping to get the silent treatment for a while and idk what I did wrong. yesterday when I tried talking to her she kept complaining about my uncle and cousin and I tried to say something in my cousins defense but she kept interfering me and cutting me off because she was mad and didn’t care about what I had to say she never cares about what I have to say she just wants to vent all day long everyday i understand she needs an outlet but I’m not a therapist. no matter what I do she won’t stop ranting and I can’t afford to move out yet.

it’s either I listen to her rants all day and get stressed out so badly that my nervous system is messed up or I get punished with the silent treatment for not hearing her rants and then I get to hear her lie to other family members about why she’s upset with me she doesn’t lie on me every single time it’s only certain times but because she’s done it before it just stresses me out I just want to disappear and hide

I always want to disappear when I feel rejected. Rejection to me can look like being really excited to talk to a friend and I’m openly sharing that excitement through my tone of voice and body language along with my facial expression. Only for my friend to respond in an annoyed way.

One example I remember sharing a makeup tut tik tok with my cousin. It was cosplay makeup and I thought it was so cool and when I get happy or excited I feel it throughout my whole body and it’s hard for me to contain that excitement sometimes although I try because when I jump/bounce around in excitement I often get weird stares especially in public.

Idk what it is I’m not diagnosed with anything it could be age regression I didn’t get a child hood at all but I’m not qualified to diagnose myself I just noticed this problem and I hate it.

Anyway I shared the makeup video with my cousin and she snapped at me through the text basically saying she didn’t care because she wasn’t in the mood for it. Like how I said I can feel excitement and happiness throughout my whole body I can also feel emotional pain and sadness in the same way. It’s why it’s really hard for me to let pain go because I feel everything so intensely. When she responded that way my happiness went away instantly because I was just so excited and she loved cosplays too so I thought it was a bonding moment to where we could share excitement but she wasn’t happy with it.

Then 5 minutes later her package comes in the mail and she texted me so excited and i couldn’t be excited about it because when I came to her excited she shut me down which shifted the energy then suddenly when she was excited she shifted it back to excitement but it was too late for me to switch back. so I disappeared.

I tend to feel this way often and the only way for me to feel better is if I disappear. I don’t know what’s wrong or why this happens. My excitement is often diminished immediately then when they’re in a good mood they try to double back and come to me smiling but I can’t smile because I was shut down for doing to much. So when I feel rejected ultimately I also feel hated and like I don’t belong anywhere or deserve anything and sometimes I disappear from places and on people until the feeling goes away.

Sometimes the feeling lasts hours, days, weeks, months, & years. It just depends on the severity of the rejection I feel for how long it Takes for me to return. I don’t understand it there’s probably something wrong with me and I’m probably just being a pathetic annoying person who needs to grow up.

It might just be my luteal phase. I often disappear on everyone during my luteal and menstrual phase due to how bad it gets for me mentally. So if it’s because my period is coming I haven’t started yet so maybe that’s just it.

when I’ve vented to some people about it before o was told I was selfish, self centered, over dramatic, exhausting, making a big deal out of nothing when I need to just grow up.

Everything that I do is hilarious to them and not in a I’m the comedian in the family kinda way. like if I set a boundary nicely and as them to please stop doing something that’s upsetting me or making me uncomfortable and I even explain it. They won’t stop they keep doing it and then they laugh about it. Then when I get upset they find that funny to and I’ll ask them 100 times to stop and then they find it funny so when I scream at them to stop they look at me crazy for a second then they continue to laugh.

i don’t know how to get them to stop. I don’t like my photos being taken for many reasons I’m not photogenic, i got made fun of in every school that I went to for my looks, if I’m not dressed the best I dont want reminders of how I look. I just don’t like how I look in photos so I don’t want evidence of how terrible I look so I ask that there’s no images taken of me. it’s not respected they sneak and take photos while laughing about it and post them all over their social medias. it’s not even sneaking because it’s so obvious when they shove a camera in my face.

also when I’m working out they start laughing at me but they all weigh more than I do and complain about how they look but when I’m trying to stay in shape they make fun of me for it. I even invite them to come workout with me because if they’re unhappy with their body then working out may help and it’s good for you. But they don’t actually want to do anything about it besides complain they don’t want any solunions or their issues on anything not just working out. So they won’t come workout with me not that they had to it’s just I thought it would be a good idea since they said they were unhappy with their health. but they won’t do it but will laugh at me for doing it and I can’t get away from them. if I work out in the house they’ll laugh at me if I go outside they’ll follow me and laugh.

they also buy me the same 4 items every year for my birthday and Christma. I get to watch everyone else open new gifts but I open the same thing and it’s always multiple blankets I’m talking 6+ blankets, stack of cups, lamps, 4 pillows. I get to watch everyone else get things for their interest. one of my uncles loves the it movie by Stephen king so they get him Stephen king themed it gifts. he also loves Batman so he gets those as his theme too. So everyone gets theme gifts for things that they like or they get a gift card or something they need that they asked for.

I get the same 4 items over and over for my birthday and then again on Christmas. I’ve told them what I liked not because I wanted them to get me what I wanted but just so they’d know because they always say they don’t know anything about me but I tell them all the time because I talk a lot I like to talk about my interests and others interest because I like sharing something and learning something new because I might like what they like if I try it. so that’s very fun for me but I’ve been aware for the last few years now that they are never actually listening to me whether it’s when I tell them what I like or when I tell them my boundaries they just don’t care.

I probably sounds selfish because some people don’t get gifts or have a family so I should be grateful it’s just hurts watching them care for each other and listen to each other but I’m excluded and left out of that every time and even when I try to communicate with them they don’t hear me although I’m saying it over and over. I know everything isn’t about me so I don’t have to get anything i understand all of that I just wish someone would care sometimes besides me.

edit: I’m just asking for what I give. when my family members tell me a pet peeve of theirs or they give me a boundary I always listen and respect it and I don’t do it again. The only thing I’ve really struggled with fixed is my forgetfulness I have some family members who don’t like that I always loss something or misplace something in their way and i genuinely don’t mean to do that because I frustrate my own self with that because I’m always forgetting something even when I write it down and have 29 reminders on my phone I’m not really sure why I struggle with it but I do. I’m not doing it intentionally to upset them though. everything else I listen to and understand and respect it but they don’t do any of that for me. They just make excuses.

Why do the same types of people say rude disrespectful shit while laughing about it. Then when you call them out for it they switch up saying “it’s just a joke” or “it’s not an insult” ppl like this are so weird and annoying asf. Why can’t they just stand on what they said?

This irritates me so much because if you don’t catch it like in a friend group say one person says something disrespectful and you call them out. If your friends don’t catch it you’ll look crazy for calling them out. The disrespectful person plays into it by defending themselves by claiming it’s a joke.

Then everyone around them starts coming to their defense too. It’s annoying asf because they know what they are doing. Then if you re explain it you look crazy or they think you’re lying because no one else caught it but you. I say they’re the same types of people because it’s usually someone who likes excluding one person. They like to disrespect you and once you react they play the victim to make you crazy. Then so many people fall for it and then you look crazy.