Am I (20f) out of touch for asking my bf (21m) for more time to talk?
tldr; I asked my boyfriend for more time to talk at the end of the day and even though he says he will, he never sticks to his promise and I dont know how to go about it.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 8 months. Things have been good but there are occasional communication issues that tend to spiral into bigger fights. I know that all comes with new relationships, but it does get really difficult to deal with sometimes.
We're medium distance and only see each other on the weekends, but this is starting to change and we'll be seeing each other less due to career changes. During the week, he usually gets off work around 4 and then spends the rest of his night on video games with his friends. I work a job where its very very rare for me to be able to use my phone, and usually am at work for 9 or 10 hours and dont get home until around 6. We dont really talk during the day aside from the usual "good morning, im at work, im leaving work" and a "how was your day".
A few months ago, I asked for us to have more time to talk during the week because conversation is important to me. I want to talk more than we currently are because it feels like our relationship is lacking excitement, when its just simple small talk it feels too formal and like were just coworkers or something instead of partners if that makes sense. A few months ago, I asked for just a little time at night. He agreed and we mutually decided he'd get off his games at 10, spend a half hour talking to me, then go to bed. This way he still got at least 5 hours to game (usually more as he gets off work early a lot of the time) and I got what I was asking for as well.
This only lasted for about two weeks. He started telling me he didnt want to get in bed at 10 and I was fine with it, assuming it wouldnt be a constant thing. Then it got to the point where he would only be in bed at 10 when I outright asked, which I didnt really try to do because he was making it obvious he didnt want to. A few weeks later, I started my new dream job basically and it was a lot harder than expected, so I wanted to talk him more often. I was struggling with finding a place to live and overall just under a lot of stress. I would ask him in the morning if we could have specifically set aside time to talk that night and he would promise he'd give that. 9:30 pm would roll around, he would stop responding for an hour or two, then come back usually around 11 to tell me he didnt want to get off his game anymore. This would happen at least two or three times a week.
When this would happen, I would get upset and wouldnt want to talk the rest of the night but I would get stuck in this loop of explaining why that hurt me and having to defend my own feelings to him while he got angry. I explained on several occasions that it makes me feel unimportant and having that time set aside ESPECIALLY when I ask for it is really important to me. Any time I would try to explain it, he would misinterpret what I was saying and think I was telling him he couldnt ever play his games or spend time with his friends. Eventually, i gave up. I got tired of begging him to talk to me and set time aside for me because any time I asked, he would fall through on his promises and then yell and swear at me when I tried to explain why it was important. It was easier to ignore my feelings because if I didnt, the only conversation wed have would be a fight.
Ive ignored it for the last few weeks, mostly because ive been so stressed from work and am settling into my new living situation. I really havent wanted to talk to him much because it always turns into a fight. This weekend, we went on a trip and had a really great time. Because we were in a good spot, I wanted to talk and asked to yesterday. Once again, he said he would put time aside and then didnt. Instead of trying to explain it last night because I was upset, I told him I wanted to talk about it today and he called me this morning for it. I explained how I felt and he immediately got angry and started yelling at me. He spent the entire 30 minute phone call screaming at me, telling me he didnt want to spend his nights talking to me because I already got so much of his time through weekends. I tried several times over the call to explain how I didnt feel like that was the case, but he was so mean that I just chose to stop speaking. Most of the call was him responding to my explanations with "well id want to talk to you more if you did this different" and it all felt so overwhelming and like he didnt really understand why i was hurt. Afterwards, he sent the text "Im sorry for how you argued this morning" and then didnt really acknowledge anything, we havent really spoken since other than saying we're off work.
I find a lot of this difficult to approach because I dont want to overstep his own time and make him do something he doesnt want to do, but it also feels unfair to me because I don't necessarily feel like im asking for too much.
I know this is a long post and half of it is just to vent, but I dont really know what to do. I'm not sure if i should just give up the issue, if im out of touch for asking for more time, or if his reaction is inappropriate. Any advice is really welcome.