Late Diagnosis
+Mods I accidentally posted this from my actual account and had to delete it and repost, sorry +
Throwaway account because my brain is absolutely spinning. I have genuinely spent the best part of 35 years thinking I was weird, rude, lazy, forgetful, chaotic & just unable to love or be loved. It turns out I have combination type ADHD on a severe scale and because I’m academically clever enough to fly under the radar, they just left me like that.
The countless years I spent in toxic relationships unable to leave because of what I now recognise as RSD. Multiple inconsistent situationships triggering a dopamine responses which I had no idea were making me temporarily infatuated with losers. Finding a decent partner and being completely unable to bond with them because you just know eventually they’re going to get bored of your chaos & find out you’re actually a terrible person. Except you’re not terrible, well, not intentionally.
The first time I took ADHD medication I sat on my kitchen floor and cried. I think I heard silence for the first time in my life, I played with my child without getting distracted, I stayed regulated through bedtime. But honestly one thing really struck me, for the first time in my life, I ended a day without guilt. I hadn’t forgotten to do anything major, I hadn’t offended anyone unintentionally, I hadn’t lost my shit all day & I hadn’t so much as raised my voice at my child.
My reason for writing here isn’t really clear to me yet but I guess I’m looking for some advice. How do you shift your mentality from “I’m a fuck up” (despite being reasonably successful in life but let’s not let reality get in the way of my abundant self hatred) to “I have a disability which has effected various elements of my life & personality”. I guess I always steeled myself to the idea that I was just an inherently bad person & as long as people didn’t find out, then I’d be able to plod through life moving from friend to friend & place to place. Strong bonds, not long bonds so to speak.
How do you stop hating yourself and start understanding your “bad traits” as symptoms of a medical condition? Bonus points if anyone has any advice for the crushing guilt of realising your child is the only other person to have felt the full brunt of your condition up until this point. I’m extremely grateful for my diagnosis/treatment and I’m happier now than I’ve ever been but if one more person tells me “at least it’s under control now” I think I’m going to scream for the 500 versions of me who died because they couldn’t survive the chaos 🖤