u/Expert_Pomelo271

Yesterday, I broke up with my boyfriend. We've been together for 20 months and he was my first boyfriend. Oh man, I loved him so much and I still do. But we've been having such a rough time for a really long period of time. It was a matter of time before we broke up, really. Things started to go down the hill for some reason and never really got better. Anyway, three days ago I got one of the best news of my life and thought that my happiness would last for hours. Yet it only lasted for an hour, and there I was, having a crying breakdown. That's when I knew. He didn't even apologize for the thing that caused this in the first place but that is not the issue. I just knew that this was not how I expected this day to be and it was basically happening all the time. This relationship we had was not good for us any more. We've been on survival mode for so long and I needed it to stop. I needed to walk away from him although I loved him. So, I just told him that it wasn't working out although I still love him and that we should end it. I thought we would wish each other luck and stuff and we would end it like two mature human beings but things got wrong. He tried to dominate me. He told me that from now on, I wasn't the one with the remote. He could decide how this break up's gonna be like. He said that I might have wanted to see him but he may not see me. Or I might want to never see him again but I cannot possibly control this as well. He told me that it was all up to his will. Well, I wanted to go non contact, so the first thing was not an issue. And seeing him again, although a small possibility, of course exists as we live in the same city. This is not a surprise. And this possibility is not in his control as well. He clearly wanted to create a power hierarchy over me and it's so not cool. I got angry and told him that I thought we had mutual feelings and were ending it in such a mutual way. But now that I realized what he thought was mutual was having a say, I told that him "Well you don't have a say in this! I'm dumping you." I wouldn't even think about deleting this message if it wasn't for him deleting his terrible, dominating messages. Because everyone has some pride and ego and you are not supposed to tell them that they can't control shit. And you definitely shouldn't say that a healthy break up is something you provide them with because you have a generous and loving heart. Anyway, I love this guy. And I would have never broken up with a person that I love with such words. I still didn't delete the message because him deleting his messages doesn't change how horrible he was to me. But I don't know if I want those hurtful words to be rotting there. I still have some time to delete them, after 48 hours I won't be able to do so. What do you think I should do? I just want to feel like a decent human being. I know he loves me as well. Although he chose a shitty way and tried to dominate me, he told me that he wouldn't want to have me upset although he could have done so since he had the power to break me. Maybe my messages are indeed the slap of reality he actually needed but that's just not who I am so please help me out.