Dealing with grief and fear
TFMR for t21 4 weeks ago. I just keep thinking I could be ok if I was pregnant again and if I knew the pregnancy was ok, and I just need to know that will happen for me. I am obsessively tracking my ovulation now. I keep researching and reading stats on fertility at 40 and aneuploidy and trying to find a crystal ball that will tell me everything will work out for me. But of course it doesn’t exist. I am so sad and confused and scared. For some stupid reason I had this magical thinking around my fertility. I got pregnant easily with my LC and with this last pregnancy even tho I am “geriatric”. I thought maybe I was blessed, that even though I so often feel lost, this was somehow something I was made for and something that didn’t have to be hard in my life. How very stupid. I don’t know how to live with this grief. It feels like poison in my body. My friend used the analogy that the grief won’t get smaller but I will grow around it. I don’t want to grow around it. I want to pour it out of me. I want it all to disappear. I can dissociate from the grief. Box it all up, push it way down, and function. I thought because I could function I was doing ok. But then I tried to hang out with friends who are due the same month I was (had a panic attack and did not happen), and then the next day tried for the first time to talk to a close friend about it- she asked how I was doing physically- how do you explain the cruelty of the casualness and total lack of physical recovery after an abortion. I wish the physical pain and suffering matched the emotional. I could make some sense out of that. And now, I have been drowning in grief for the past two days. I don’t know how to let it out in digestible pieces. I’m not sure what I am looking for here. Just letting it out I guess.