Was I assaulted?
Hi all,
I just had an experience a few hours ago that has been making me feel odd, but I can't help but feel I'm trying to duck out of responsibility because I didn't listen to my gut and feel like I led him on.
I was talking to a guy I really connected with and found attractive through snapchat and the photos he shared. We talked on the phone for hours yesterday and agreed to meet today, and he was incredibly sweet. It did turn sexual because I was attracted to what i thought was him and we did have similar relationship goals for the long term. Im definitely not opposed to sex outside of a relationship if I like the person and get along with them well. But he kept mentioning how it was meant to be and it seemed very love bombing. He said we didn't have to do anything sexual when we meet, and he wouldn't be upset if it was something I wanted to wait for. We agreed to a date in a public park. I completely ignored my gut and decided to still see him.
Immediately I could tell something was off, he seemed erratic, but I thought it was first date anxiety. I noticed he didn't look like his photos and lied about his height, and seemed to be in his mid 30s (said he was 29). This is where I feel like it's my fault. I still got in the car with him because I figured we could at least talk and be friendly and then go our separate ways. I knew it was a bad idea though. He was immediately going on an angry rant about his life and then held my hand in the car. I felt like if I didn't let him hold it, the situation could go really bad. He kept telling me not to be nervous but asked if I found him attractive. He wasn't bad looking, so i said yes but I was extremely uncomfortable with the situation so I was not attracted at all. I didn't say anything or try to find a way out.
We get to the park and he drives to an area with people, so I assumed I was safe. The conversation was extremely bizarre with him talking about his mental health issues (i don't mind that but it was almost aggressive in a way) but then also asking why I wasn't talkative. He started putting his hand on my thigh and I didn't say anything. He kept noticing I was uncomfortable and nervous and then kissed me and started kissing my neck. I let him despite not wanting to. He put my hand in his crotch over the clothes and I froze. I pulled my hand away when asked why I wasn't trying to touch him, I told him I wanted things to go slow and I wasn't in the mood because I had a hard day at work. I was hoping we would just talk for a bit and then he'd take me back to my car. He seemed hurt when I wasn't into it and then drove me back to my car. I offered a hug before I left because for some reason I still felt hesitant telling him I wasn't attracted to him, and him telling me about his issues did make me feel bad for his struggles. I know this a jumbled ramble without clear details.
I feel disgusted with myself because I allowed it to happen, and willingly got in the car despite everything screaming at me not to. I feel like I need to take ownership and responsibility for what happened, and that I can't tell anyone because they'll lose respect for me and be disgusted by me. But I know I need help, and will tell my therapist about it.
I know i need support but i feel ashamed of myself