Update
I honestly dont even know how to write this or where to start
first thank you to everyone who commented and tried to help me and even the people who said things that were hard for me to read I really mean it I needed to hear different opinions because I dont know what Im doing right now
Im still at my parents house and yesterday I took a pregnancy test and it was positive
positive
Im pregnant
I still keep looking at it and thinking no this cant be real like how is this real how did everything just change this fast I dont even feel like Im talking about myself when I say Im pregnant
and I dont know what Im supposed to do
my parents have been away for a few days and they might not even come back for another two weeks and my sister lives like three hours away from me and shes married and I havent even told her anything
he doesnt know Im pregnant either
I havent talked to him since what happened
he still comes almost every day and just stands outside my parents house and I only see him on the camera and I dont know what Im supposed to feel when I see him there because part of me feels sad and part of me just feels sick
his older brother messaged me too and said my fiancé wants to talk to me and wants everything to go back to normal and he said he doesnt really know what happened between us but he wants me to please fix things with him because apparently my fiancé told his family that he wont go back to his house until I come back and he wont live normally again until I come back to him
and his brother said something like if he cheated on you tell me and Ill know what to do with him but please just come back and fix things because hes completely falling apart
I didnt answer him
I feel bad because his brother has always been really kind to me and I know he probably thinks hes helping but I just cant do this right now
I dont even understand why my fiancé is telling everyone all of this and why hes making his family involved in it
his brother even told me he said if I dont respond he doesnt think he will ever be able to live again and honestly I dont know what Im supposed to do with that
I havent answered my fiancé either I havent answered his calls or messages
I just cant
I dont want to deal with him right now I dont want to talk I dont want to explain anything I just want to figure out what Im going to do first because I feel like everything is happening at the same time and my brain just cant keep up with it
and now the pregnancy
god
I always wanted kids
this is probably what makes this so much harder
I love kids so much and I always wanted to be a mom one day and I know financially I can raise a child my life is comfortable and I can take care of a baby so thats not really the problem
its the timing
I wasnt supposed to be doing this now
I wanted to finish university first and live my life a little and then think about having kids maybe in two years or later I dont know I just always thought I had time
and now Im pregnant
and its only been about 10 days since I got pregnant and somehow Im already supposed to make this huge decision about my entire life
I dont even know if Im ready to say the word pregnant without feeling weird
if I terminate it I know its going to hurt me a lot because I actually want children and I know I would think about it and wonder what that baby could have been
but keeping it also changes everything
and I dont know what that means for me or for my future or anything
and then there is him
I dont think I can go back to him
I really dont
even saying that makes me feel horrible because before this happened he was good to me he was kind to me he loved me and I loved him and I never thought I would look at him and feel the way I feel now
but when I remember what happened I feel sick
I feel this horrible pain and disgust and I cant make myself forget it
I dont know how Im supposed to look at him again and pretend everything is normal
I dont know how Im supposed to go back to the person I was before this happened
I keep thinking maybe Im supposed to have an answer already but I dont
I literally dont know
Im just sitting here trying to process everything and honestly I think Im still in shock
I dont know what Im going to do yet
I just know that everything changed so suddenly and Im scared and confused and sad and angry and I dont even know what feeling is supposed to come next
I just don’t know