Why does he withdraw when you stay, but become emotional when you leave?
I’m curious what people make of this behavior because I’m struggling to understand it. I was in an on-and-off relationship with a guy for a couple years. He’s always struggled with anxiety, self-worth, and feeling like he wasn’t where he “should” be in life. Throughout our relationship, the pattern was that when he felt overwhelmed, he would withdraw and create distance. During those periods, he could go a long time without reaching out and seemed almost comfortable with the silence as long as he knew I would still there when he came back.
But anytime there was a real possibility of losing me, he’d panic. He’d suddenly become emotional, say things about how much he loved me, how he didn’t deserve me, miss me intensely, want to see me immediately, etc.
For my own mental health, I recently became more boundaried and basically told him that I couldn’t keep carrying the relationship by myself anymore. I explained that if he couldn’t show up consistently and put effort in too, I couldn’t keep engaging in the same cycle. Ive become distant and stopped initiating communication after this because Im exhausted by the hot and cold.
What’s confusing is that his behavior shifted a lot after that. He was never really active on social media and could go months without posting anything at all. Then suddenly, after I pulled back, he’s become much more active and sentimental publicly, posting more emotional things, family oriented content, relationship/yearning type posts, emotional songs, and more personal moments in general.
The confusing part is that he’s doing all of that but hasn’t actually tried to repair things with me directly. He hasn’t reached out to have a real conversation or made any effort to fix what happened between us, so it almost feels like the emotions are coming out everywhere except where they actually need to.
I’m not really confused about his feelings for me. I’m more interested in hearing the perspective of people who have a similar attachment style.Why does it seem like when I’m there, available, patient, and trying, he pulls away and creates distance, but when I step back and become less available, it seems like he loses his mind emotionally(but isn’t doing anything to repair it)? I’m starting to feel like there’s nothing I can do. It feels like when I move toward him he pulls away, and when I step back he suddenly feels my absence. I’m struggling to understand what you’re even supposed to do with that