AIO over my boyfriend ex and her behavior?
I (32F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (36M) for two years. We recently had a baby together (a huge surprise, by the way). When I met him, he had been separated from his ex for about seven months. They have two children together and were co-parenting.
From the beginning, his ex (36F) acted cold and somewhat hostile toward me. For example, she would ignore me when I asked her a question, she once threw her dumbbell near me at the gym, and she asked some of my friends questions about my past. At the time, I was mostly okay with it because I assumed she was simply curious about the woman who was now around her children.
I made sure to ask my boyfriend whether their relationship was truly over, and he assured me that it was. However, her behavior remained the same over the months. She is also often very disrespectful toward my boyfriend. For example, she has said things like, “I don’t know what you don’t understand with your little head,” when he tries to set boundaries. In her view, she is always the victim.
Last year, she decided to move to another city with the children, about a 3.5-hour drive from our town. Her reason was that she MIGHT have to take some unpaid time off during the summer and felt she could no longer afford her current lifestyle. Instead of creating a budget or finding ways to reduce her expenses, she chose to find a new job and relocate with the children.
My boyfriend agreed because he felt he had very few options. His only real alternative would have been to sell his house and move to the same city as her. He has never taken legal action regarding custody because he wants to avoid additional conflict and drama with her. He also didn’t want me to take on responsibility for his children, as we hadn’t been together for very long at that point. I think she genuinely believed he would follow her when she moved, but he didn’t.
For the past 11 months, we have only been able to see the children every other weekend at my in-laws’ house because it is halfway from our and her town. The reason is that she refuses to come to our town because she considers the drive too long. Just as a reminder, she was the one who chose to move in the first place. As usual, my boyfriend wanted to avoid conflict, so he agreed. My in-laws also tend to avoid conflict with her, so they agreed to host us every other weekend.
It’s also not uncommon for my boyfriend to mention gift ideas for the children’s birthdays to his ex, only for her to buy those exact gifts herself shortly afterward or ask her own parents to give the same presents. It often feels like she goes out of her way to make sure he doesn’t get the chance to give the children something special that he had planned.
Despite this arrangement, she still acts as though she is the only one making sacrifices because she has the children full-time. It’s not uncommon for her to ask my mother-in-law to pick up the children because she doesn’t want to make the drive herself and says she is exhausted.
When I gave birth to our daughter, my mother-in-law offered to take the children for a weekend so that their mother could have some time off and, at the same time, the children could meet their new sister. Her response was, “I don’t see the point of my kids driving 3.5 hours just to see a baby.” My mother-in-law reminded her that the baby was actually their sister, but she still refused.
Since then, my boyfriend’s children have wanted to FaceTime their little sister almost every day, which honestly feels like a small win for me.
Anyway...
We are considering moving in the next few months, but I feel like it would once again be a way of letting her get what she wants. It would mean that both of us would have to change jobs, sell our house, and leave our friends behind. I’m also fairly certain that her behavior would not change even if we moved closer.
I wish I could tell my boyfriend everything I truly think about the situation without making him feel attacked or blamed. I also wish someone would finally set firm boundaries with his ex, but I know I can’t force that to happen.
If I had a magic wand, I would tell my boyfriend that I am not willing to move unless he takes legal steps regarding custody and establishes clear boundaries concerning his ex’s demands.
So, am I overreacting?