in a really tough spot
hi! so i am really really really struggling at the moment. i dont know what to do. i have diagnosed borderline personality disorder and bipolar 1 disorder, and to be honest my life has been a complete and utter shitshow. i haven’t met anyone with both bipolar and bpd and i really need help with treating the nightmare of a disorder that is both of them at once. i’m like 90% sure i suffer brain damage from manic episodes, as all of my manic episodes have EXTREMELY severe psychotic features where i hallucinate and am very delusional TRIGGER WARNING: child sa (like once i thought my mom was trafficking me and my sister and was fully 100% convinced this was true and told my therapist about it who nearly told the police but i corrected it) and very scary impulsivity.
and the other problem is my borderline is really bad and even worse with the manic and depressive episodes which i don’t know anything other than. i don’t really have any friends. my family hates me. i have a good therapist and good psychiatrist though thankfully. i’m taking 10 different medications at night that don’t help!!!!
but anyways i just finished my freshman year of college where i wasted over 50k at an expensive art school in a city because i only got credit in 1/6 classes i took because i had a severe manic episode in the spring which made me lose all my friends (every last one!!!!) and fuck up in all my classes except 1 where the teacher was nice but in the fall i had a severe depressive episode and failed all of them because i could not get out of bed and lost my group of friends there too because of rumors people started and kept going and because i was kind of inconsiderate (not on purpose!!!) to people because i also have autism and i had never really had friends until college and i really struggled with interacting with people, not just because i lash out when im manic and crazy but because i am sad all the time and not pleasant to deal with. i’m too much for like most people which sucks so badly because i am a SERIOUS people person like ive always wanted friends and i was so excited to have them in college and then it all got fucked up and now no one likes me.
i don’t know what to do. i’m already doing therapy weekly and on so many medications. i’ve never known peace and all i want is to feel okay. just okay. i need advice on what to do about this if anyone has any. if it helps i am in the chicago area (and able to get anywhere around chicago) and i cannot leave chicago and go home because my home is not exactly a safe space. and my parents aren’t letting me switch schools. thank you so so so so so much if you read this i really appreciate it greatly. thank you.