I ruined my relationship and don't know how to move forward with my life
I know this is a long text. But i really need some opinions about the situation. Thanks for everyone who is reading all of this.
Hi, I'm M19 and things haven't really been easy for me these past few years. I've been struggling with mental health issues for a while, but I never completely lost hope. About a year ago, I met a girl at a party. We fell in love and jumped into a relationship , my very first relationship ever. Even though we rushed into some things, it went pretty well at first and I was genuinely happy. It felt like I had suddenly gotten everything I had always wanted.
But unfortunately it didn't stay that way. My mental health issues got worse and worse and slowly started affecting the relationship too ,and my girlfriend didn't know about my problems for a long time. When things got really bad, I told her everything, and she admitted that a lot of things in the relationship (triggered by my issues) had been weighing on her, and that she was considering breaking up with me. I told her I would understand if she left, but that I still wanted to work on everything. In the end we stayed together and tried to make it work. The following months were okay. Our relationship wasn't perfect and I was a little afraid she'd leave me, but ultimately we both wanted to stay together because we truly loved each other.
Throughout all of this, there was another girl. The reason she entered my life in the first place was that she also struggled with issues like mine, and we helped each other with our mental health. My girlfriend knew about her and was okay with it, as she also felt it was good for me to have someone who understood me.
But at some point everything went wrong. During a time when I was feeling particularly low, I visited the other girl , again with my girlfriend's permission. And in one moment, we kissed. Somehow, after all that time of supporting each other through our problems, we had developed feelings for one another. Not romantic love exactly , something different. I was extremely shocked that we had kissed. Afterwards I cried and felt terrible.
Right after it happened, I told my girlfriend immediately, and we both decided to break up. We didn't fight. We still loved each other deeply, but we both knew it was over for now ,and my girlfriend said that if we truly loved each other, maybe we could try again in a few months.
The breakup destroyed me.
And somehow, the only thing I had left was the other girl. And I genuinely had feelings for her. And she for me. Except that she has BPD and is quite possessive , and as I later realized, she was manipulating me. Right after the breakup with my ex, she wanted me to forget everything and get together with her immediately. The following weeks were full of emotional conflict, but we did get together. And I do love her too. Later she acknowledged her mistakes and apologized for her toxic behavior. And actually we're really well-suited to each other , we're extremely similar and share plans for the future. As of writing this, we've been together for 6 months, which also means it's been half a year since the breakup with my ex.
But now comes the actual problem , the reason I'm writing this and why I might need advice.
I never got closure with my ex. I still love her with all my heart. We had problems, but we both wanted to work on them and we almost made it. I also love my current girlfriend, but it's a different kind of love. Not better or worse , just different. But I can't get what happened out of my head. In the first months after the breakup, this inner conflict almost drove me to suicide. My mental health is better now, but I still can't find closure. Part of me wants to go back to my ex, and I'm 90% sure I'd have a chance. My sister, who stayed in contact with my ex longer, has tried multiple times to convince me to go back, saying my ex has genuinely missed me too.
I know that if I stay with my current girlfriend, we can be happy and we're great together. But no matter what I try, I can't get the past out of my head, and it feels wrong to be with her while I haven't found closure with my ex.
Now, months later, I notice it's slowly getting easier ,but even that fact makes it worse again, because I love my ex so much, and it breaks my heart to let go of her and the future we could have had.
What should I do? I just can't anymore.