Me (F23) and my bf (M21) have been in LDR for about 2 years now. Am I being too much?
So me (F23) and my boyfriend (M22) have been in a long-distance relationship for 2 years now. In the beginning, things were really great for us, just like most relationships. But since last autumn, his family started going through a very difficult time, and little by little he began giving me less attention.
We’re from the same country, but I’m currently living abroad alone. I visited him twice, and honestly those trips meant a lot to me because I got to see both him and my family. During those times, we actually got along better than ever. But after that, things suddenly started getting worse.
Every deep conversation became difficult for him. Even choosing a movie together felt like something I had to carefully consider because of his emotional state. Still, I tried my best to understand him, especially because his stepfather passed away from cancer. I knew he and his family were grieving, so I held back many of my own feelings for a long time and tried to stay supportive.
Things kept getting harder, and his mourning period happened right around my birthday. I had been looking forward to celebrating with him, but instead I just felt horrible and couldn’t even bring myself to feel happy. Eventually I couldn’t keep everything inside anymore, and we started arguing.
This started around January, and now it has already been about four months. I honestly believed things would slowly get better with time. He and his family had been talking since winter about him visiting me this summer, and I became genuinely excited because I was holding onto that promise while living here alone abroad. I never pressured him into coming. In fact, he was the one who first said he wanted to come.
Then suddenly he told me he couldn’t anymore because his mother said not to go, and that “I would probably understand too.” I wasn’t even asking him to stay for a long time or spend a lot of money. I just wanted to see him, even if it was only for a few days. I even told him not to worry about expenses because I only cared about spending time together.
When he canceled, I felt extremely hurt and disappointed. I understand that his family is struggling, but I also felt hurt because I had emotionally depended on the idea of finally seeing him again after months apart. Afterward, I kept asking when we would meet instead, but he couldn’t give me any clear answer. The conversation escalated into questioning whether we were even seriously thinking about a future together anymore.
What hurts even more now is that he treats me like I’m too emotionally dependent on him, when in reality I’ve built an entire life for myself alone in a foreign country. I work, support myself, travel alone, pursue my hobbies, buy the things I dream about, and maintain friendships here. Yet somehow he acts as if I’m just sitting alone at home waiting for him all day.
For the past month, we’ve barely talked properly. Most days we only call for around 10 minutes. During those calls, he usually says whatever he wants to say and then falls asleep immediately. Since he’s doing almost nothing outside of helping his family, maybe that routine feels normal for him, but for me it feels lonely and empty. I work night shifts too, so there are days we don’t even call at all.
We barely chat either. Most of our conversations are just:
“I got off work.”
“I’m heading home.”
“Okay, be careful.”
That’s basically it.
Meanwhile, he says he’s “too busy” for me, yet somehow he always has time for everyone else. From what I can see, his entire life revolves around his mother now. He wakes up and goes with her to work, picks her up in the evening, spends time with her until around 11 PM or midnight, and only after that does he call me briefly before sleeping. Not once has he cleared his schedule to properly talk with me when I was struggling emotionally.
When we argue, he goes silent instead of trying to solve things or comfort me. Whenever I say maybe we should break up or take a break, suddenly he says he loves me and can’t let me go. At first I believed him, but now I honestly don’t know anymore because his actions feel completely different from his words.
I’ve only received one gift from him during our entire relationship, and that was when we first met. It’s not even about material things, but sometimes I just feel forgotten and emotionally unimportant in his life.
I even suggested visiting him myself this summer instead, since I already had free time planned for us. I only wanted to stay for about three days before returning because the rest of my summer is already filled with work and personal schedules. But once again, his mother said I shouldn’t come because they are moving into a new place and I would “feel uncomfortable.”
At this point, there are no real conversations about our future anymore. Instead, he tells me he wants me to “be happy by myself,” even though I’m already spending most of my life alone while supposedly being his girlfriend. Yet at the same time, he becomes upset whenever I go out or spend time gaming with my friends.
Being in this relationship now makes me feel small, insecure, and emotionally unwanted. Sometimes I feel like disappearing from his life completely because I no longer feel loved in the way I used to. I understand grief changes people, and I truly tried to be patient and supportive, but after months of emotional distance, silence, canceled plans, and feeling deprioritized, I honestly don’t know what I’m holding onto anymore.
I also don’t really have anyone I can properly talk to about all of this because I don’t want my family or friends to worry about me. That’s why I wanted to ask here honestly: am I being too much for wanting basic effort, reassurance, and emotional presence from my boyfriend, or are my feelings actually reasonable?