Partner of a schizoaffective person seeking someone to talk to
I'm burnt out! I have been with this guy for 14 years. We have 2 girls. I love him so much, at the same time I feel so much hate when he has his manic moments. When he's like that I don't know how to handle it after days of it. He's been off his meds for 4 years now and with having mental health issues of my own, I am no longer able to cope with him anymore.
The first few days of his manic time, it's not too difficult handling the mania. Slowly, day by day, he gets deeper and deeper into his mania, and his delusions become more and more difficult to maintain. After a few days hes quick to anger, over the smallest things. It's usually over how I come off with my way of communicating. I don't communicator any differently, when he's not manic he doesn't perceive my words as something to become hostile about. So when he's manic and we are talking, all of a sudden I'm the enemy, I'm the one starting all the intense hostile arguments that we are having recently, I'm the one for his reasoning of wanting to end it.
The conversations become so intense to the point where he's threatening to dead me. To end me. I'm his enemy. I ain't nothing. I'm not worthy of being in his presence. This is when you know he's deep into his manic episode.
In his early days or his manic episode, when the conversations start to turn for the worst, he will literally be arguing with himself... Like he will say things then he will say things that I'm supposedly saying back to him and then he will counter my supposed words that I supposedly just said, etc, etc... Yet I'm literally sitting there, head down, mouth shut, attempting to distract myself with my phone. Those times are the better times because I could usually get him to stop and see what is really happening after a bit.
I am a person who will attack back at a person, verbally, if I feel attacked first. I have PTSD, BPD anxiety, and adult defiant disorder. I have no impulse control when I'm in "fight or flight". I don't have the coping skills to deal with confrontational ppl, especially since I don't "flight", instead I "fight". I don't get a chance to process any verbal attacks until hours later, when my body/mind feels like I am no longer in a "fight/flight" situation. Only then am I able to process what had happened.
So when I'm feeling attacked by my partner because hes deep into his manic episode, I am not able to distract myself and keep quiet. I feel the need to defend myself from his accusations and non existent situations that supposedly happened or is supposely happening. I know it makes things worse for both of us, I just get told so much about how horrible I am, how unworthy I am, how I am trying to poison him, how I am the undeserving one, erc, etc... A person can only let someone tear them down for so long, so I need to defend myself for my own sanity.
Please I need a support system. I have no family nor no friends that I can talk to about this that would understand anything I am going through.