Going insane🤪
I know “gentle parenting” and permissive parenting are not the same thing, but I feel like I’m watching the line blur a lot in some households I work in 😭
I nanny for a family with an almost 4 year old and an almost 2 year old, and while the parents are genuinely loving and involved, there is very little consistency with structure, routines, or follow-through.
And I totally understand that not every family wants a strict schedule. I’m not talking about rigid military-level routines. But when expectations change constantly depending on the day or who is in charge, it starts to affect how kids respond to boundaries and independence.
A lot of the kids I see are very emotionally attached and well-loved, but they struggle with frustration tolerance and self-help skills because expectations aren’t consistent across caregivers or even across days. So anything we try to build during the week often gets reset over the weekend, which makes progress really hard to maintain.
I also find it challenging when independence skills aren’t being encouraged in a consistent way at home, because it makes preschool readiness a lot harder than it needs to be—things like dressing, toileting, clean-up, and basic self-regulation are still very much in progress.
The older child in this case will actively say things like “mommy does it for me” or “I’ll wait until you leave so mommy or daddy will help,” which pretty much shows she understands the pattern of inconsistency and uses it.
Dad works from home and if a tantrum escalates, he’ll often come down and the expectation gets dropped just to stop the screaming, which reinforces the behavior long-term.
I’ve tried setting routines and structure during my time with them, but it only works short-term if it’s not reinforced outside of those hours.
The younger sibling is also still using a bottle at almost 2, even though she had fully transitioned off around 13 months while I was working with her consistently. I had moved her to a straw cup and she did great with it, so it’s frustrating seeing that progress undone.
Both kids still suck their thumbs regularly, which is developmentally not unusual, but there is no effort being made to reduce it even though the older child already has noticeable dental changes and a developing overbite.
And now they’re having another baby soon, which honestly makes me concerned about how this setup scales. Three kids, no consistent routine, all sleep in bed with mom and dad, and very limited independent soothing skills feels like it’s going to become extremely difficult without more structure.
I’m also currently in school and need this job to remain stable at least through August 2027 while I finish my degree, so I’m trying to work within the environment rather than jump ship or change jobs right now.
I guess my frustration is I can see how capable both kids actually are. But any progress with structure or independence gets undone because it isn’t consistent outside of the days I’m there, so it feels like we’re rebuilding the same foundation over and over again.
Has anyone else worked in situations like this where the kids are loved and very attached to their parents, but there’s minimal consistency or expectation for independence? Because I feel like I’m hitting a wall 😭