Does this count as cheating?
Hello Reddit!
So I (24F) am making this post because i have recently just come out of a 5 year relationship with my ex-wife (27F) and im not gonna lie, its kind of devastated me to a point beyond repair, but no because of the relationship itself ending, more so, I believe that despite us having a ENM relationship for the past year, she ended up cheating on me emotionally with her now new boyfriend. However, she maintains that she didn't and its honestly my biggest obstacle in terms of moving on and I was hoping I could get some some advice before I try to clear the air with her one last time.
So heres my side of the story as I try to be as objective as possible. So we started being ENM last year, which was my idea because my wife was never really physically affectionate, not just in terms of sex but just general closeness, which I attributed to both her being autisitc, and being asexual, and it was probably at the time my one biggest issue with our relationship because I am a very touchy feely person and I asked if she would be willing to try opening up the relationship. She agreed and for the past year, and the deal was strictly physical, not emotional, so like no kissing, no dates etc. just friends with benefits. That was more or less working until we moved into a house we bought together last summer, with the whole moving process, her brother moving in with us and me starting full time work at a retail pharmacy, I started kind of not doing anything with anyone apart from her whenever she wanted which was rare.
Fast forward to March, where out of the blue she asks me "hey is it ok if I wanted to kiss someone if I ever was in a situation where it was possibility". Now me not wanting to be a hypocrite, said yes despite me being like kind of unsure. She then started talking alot about her coworker, and how much she liked him, and how much he reminded her of me (except more mature) and I was honestly kind of her hype girl for a bit because it was nice seeing her happy and she also finally started being more physically affectionate toward me so I thought "cool this is working out!" They kissed, whatever I dont really mind the physical stuff they did, but then literally out of the blue from my perspective, she comes home from work and says "she doesn't love me romantically anymore and she wants to separate" which, hurt alot, and then it hurt even more that after like an hour of the initial conversation, she was in a discord call with her soon to be boyfriend which sent me to ER with a panic attack. I get out of the ER, she spends the night as his place after lying to me saying she was going with her mom and or other coworker and the next day I call her, try to see if there any fixing us before getting told "no i'm sorry" in which I asked "are you even poly at all??" and she replied "I dont think so".
I spent a week with my family in New York City (quick context, I moved from NYC to Upstate NY 3 years ago to move in with her so I dont have much of support system up here) and in that week after conversing with friends (many of which are poly), family and eventually my therapists and psychiatrist, they all told me that I had been cheated on emotionally and I added on accidentally because my ex stated she realized too late that she wasnt poly and im being as generous as possible, however she maintains that she didnt break any rules, but I also only agreed to alot of the things she did because I thought she was poly. And with that, she eventually doubled and tripled down, and is dating the person I believe she cheated on me with, and we still live together because we both own the house legally, and listen I am more than ok with us not being a couple anymore, what Im not okay with is this feeling that I was replaced and tossed aside like I meant nothing, and the fact that again, I feel very much cheated on so im sense of self is completely ruined.
I very much want to end on decent terms, but I need to know if im being to harsh on her, or if Im justified in feeling this betrayal and hurt, and I honestly never thought I would make one of these posts but im desperate for any closure possible. Thank you for your time and I will accept the truth no matter how much it hurts