u/Extension-Boot3562

I apologize for the longer post, but I would really appreciate any help I can get with this situation I'm having.

I think my SSA stems from my childhood. Growing up, nobody wanted to be my friend because I was too small and sucked at sports. I would wander around, living in my fantasy land during recess, and sit by myself (with the occasional side dish of bullying) during lunch. I remember being very stressed out before every lunch and praying to God, begging Him to make me invisible.

As I started to realize my attractions were off around 11 y/o, I would pray and pray to God every few minutes begging Him to not make me gay. I remember that, sometimes, I would slap myself if I had a homosexual thought.

I just turned 19 and it hasn't gotten much better. I am somewhat attracted to women (moreso romantically) and have been trying pretty hard to get a girlfriend. Usually, I'll find a girl and start off having an interesting conversation, but they all eventually end up ghosting me. The only reasonable explanation I can think of is that I look very androgynous (my face has softer, more feminine features) and I'm just not attractive to women (I've had guys hit on me before, but have painfully had to turn them down).

It hurts me so much that I can't have a boyfriend. Men tend to be a lot lonlier and sensitive than women, so I believe it would be a lot easier and less stressful to get a boyfriend. I would also have a much easier time relating to them and their pain.

I feel like all I'd have to do is find a boy I like, yap about things we like, be very caring and tender towards him, and then we'd be boyfriends and love eachother.

At this point, I want nothing more than to just give in and start flirting with boys. There's so many cute boys out there with deep hearts. I just want one of them to love.

I just want to know what it feels like to have someone care about you. To have someone tenderly carress your face and whisper in your ear that they love you. To have someone you can feel safe and vulnerable with. Someone I can tell everything to and still be accepted for who I am. Someone who will make me feel loveable. Someone who will hug me and hold me and touch me and never let me go. I want to wake up every day and be happy because I have a loving person in my life. I want to matter to someone. Most importantly, I want someone I can pour all the love, affection, and attention in my heart to and make them the most loved, cherished, and cared for boy/girl in the world.

They would never have to question their self worth because they'd be worth the world to me. They would never have to feel unloveable because I'll give them my whole heart. They would never want to hurt themselves because I would always keep them company. They would always have a safe place to cry and a person they could call home. They would never feel lonely because I would always be hugging, holding, and cherishing them.

I don't understand why God wants to subject me to a life of torturous loneliness.

Even when I just try to make friends, it never works out. I put in the effort to be talkative/interested in them and be interesting myself, but everything almost always falls apart.

I remember this moment after the Easter Vigil mass while I was attempting to pray when I looked up from my pew to see everyone all merry and enjoying one another's prescence - whereas I had no one to talk to and celebrate Easter with.

I try so hard for God. Even though my brain can't handle the amount I used to pray - I still pray every day and go to confession every other day.

I was crying praying to St. Dympha this morning to please let me be loved.

I've had a gun to my head 3 times in the past year ready to blow my brains out.

I would appreciate any sort of help.

Hello,

Recently, something happened and I don't know whether I commited a mortal or venial sin. I have called about 40 parishes in the past hour to ask if they had a priest on hand who would be willing to hear my confession. Only one picked up and the receptionist said the priest was not available.

I would like to know if there is some website/number I can call out there to schedule a confession immediately - or if there is any possible way I can recieve confession right now. I don't want to be in a possible state of mortal sin. I can't live away from a state of grace and be spiritually dead. I have been crying of stress calling these numbers and would do anything just to be able to go to confession right now. Any advice would be literally life saving and tremendously appreciated.

Thank you for reading my post.

Today, I have come to the realization that I am no longer useful to the church. I used to be able to wake up at 5:30 every morning and pray these meaningful, grandoise prayers. Unfortunately, over the past year, my mind has greatly deterriorated. Prayer began to get more and more drudgerous. It got to the point where I was staring at my wall for 3 hours straight every day attempting (and failing) to pray. I made the difficult decision to decrease my daily routine to a rosary and a handful of individual prayers/intercessions. While this worked wonders for a short while, the relentless deterioration marched on. Today, I couldn't get past the first Our Father before being swarmed by all sorts of intrusive thoughts. As my brain is all I'm good for, I believe my utility has dried up - as have my days on this planet.

I wish I had friends to lean on and help me through these struggles, but I can't say I've ever had true friends. Growing up, nobody wanted to be my friend because I was too small and sucked at sports. I would wander around by myself during reccess and sit by myself (with the occasional side dish of bullying) during lunch. Nowadays, I'm too feminine for anyone in the church to like me. The young adult men's groups I've tried to join (I'm 18) have viewed me as this unhinged, decadent faggy brute they've had the burden of putting up with. I remember this moment after the Easter Vigil mass while I was attempting to pray when I looked up from my pew to see everyone all merry and enjoying one another's prescence - whereas I had no one to talk to and celebrate Easter with.

I often daydream about what it would be like to be hugged and touched by someone I feel safe with. Sometimes, I even still think about my dream of getting married and having a little daughter to whom I can give all my love. This delusion has been the only thing keeping me around as of late. Unfortunately, the chances of finding a woman who I'm attracted to AND who actually likes me are bleak. All this is to say: I'm too unlikeable to stay around.

I tried reaching out to a priest for help, but he wanted to charge me - which I understand - but I don't have the money for right now. I don't trust institutional mental health services either as they are run by satanic organizations whose sole purpose is to "zombify" people with medication. Worse, I know I think/proccess quickly and possess some level of charm (I know, I'm rather prideful for a suicidal person) - so it would be a shame for me to get brainwashed into using my gifts to serve evil. I'd rather be dead than be a drone.

That being said, I want my life to just stop - but I don't want to commit a mortal sin. I know the criteria for a sin to qualify as mortal are: grave matter, full knowledge, and full consent. While I cannot control the first one, it might be possible to do it in such a way where I don't consent fully/without knowledge (I have a much more detailed plan involving confession and memory suppressors, but it'll get deleted if I post it). If anyone sees has any ideas or suggestions, I would greatly appreciate the advice. Thank you for your help and may God always bless you!