I am over 10 years on T and still so triggered by comparison to cis men
I’ve been on T for almost 11 years and I am with a partner who makes me feel seen and loved. However, when anything comes up around their sexual history, I assume its to do with cis men, that I fall short, and that they are secretly wishing I was cis. I get so triggered, and their reassurance doesn’t seem to help.
For context, I have experienced (and in regards to my family, still experience) chronic invalidation of my gender and personhood. I have past experiences of dating people who would compare me to their cis male exes, who would “try” to love me and my body, but who were clearly uncomfortable. I’ve had exes cheat on me, start dating me while still dating cis men and say they’re going to break up with them and don’t (and are still having sex with them behind my back). I’ve had people break up with me or ghost me because they were uncomfortable, and I’ve had my family disown me on multiple occasions around being queer/trans.
Needless to say, in many intimate corners of my life, I have had experiences of people lying, cheating, leaving, or worse, pitying me and staying around.
When anything comes up around my current partner’s past, it’s like this whole history for me is triggered. I want to be the “cool and chill” partner who can talk about this stuff, but I just get so upset. I feel small, scared, and not very sexy. It’s as if this whole web of experiences of my past gets pulled on, and I feel unmoored and scared. I fear the same thing will happen here, or has been happening - my partner secretly wishes I were different, secretly desires cis men, and is just settling for me and what my body is/what it can do.
I know this stuff is coming up as an opportunity to heal things, and I can just feel so alone in it. Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, what did you find helpful?