This isn’t how I thought I’d be a mom
Good morning everyone, I was looking for advice or suggestions or comfort..
Firstly I’d like to say I love my son and I wouldn’t do anything to put him in danger, but I never expected to be a mom to an autistic 3 year old boy. He’s turning 4 in a few months, his dad left us when he was born so it’s been me all alone. I know other people have it worse and I shouldn’t complain and I’m sorry but this is how I feel at the moment. Before my son I was so ambitious, I worked 3 jobs, had nice cars and enjoyed my life, but after he was born I never thought It’d change so much. I knew since he was small he was autistic and he was delayed in the speech by a lot. He still isn’t full verbal but speaks some words. I’ve been getting him ABA therapy, occupational, speech, all of it but some he turned 3 he aged out and I had to re evaluate him and start overs and for some reason they never reached out after his re evaluation. The coordinator seemed very nice and from what I recall she said it took up to even 6 months or more because they’re very busy. Idk where or what to do.
I can’t even work because normal daycares are afraid to take him, I live with my parents, they’re always complaining because he breaks something new every time he gets upset. I tried everything! I tried comforting him, hugging, squeezing, or leaving him alone if he prefers that, or telling him it’s okay to be upset and I’m there for him but nothing ever works. I have to turn to spanking.
He has broken a window, which wasn’t my fault because my sister was instigating him and laughing, and my parents included too, love to instigate him and as soon as he gets mad they leave him to me. He breaks pottery, he throws things and I cannot control him! This morning he woke up at 6am, fine it’s fine. Then my parents were leaving to go do a few things and they know he gets upset when he sees people leave in their cars because he loves to get inside them. Usually I tell him it’s mail time and I drive him myself in my own car, but I can’t do this every single fucking time someone leaves. My dad is a dumb drunk that I hate, always using slurs in front of him and he dgaf he sees my son crying trying to walk to his car and me holding him back and he still stays his sweet time for 5 minutes to “warm up” his car and then he leaves. I got so upset and mad and my son started breaking pots and decorative things they have outside and it’s more than fear I have because my mom always tells me something and says I will pay for it and she says something smart and compares him to my older sisters daughter who is calm and not autistic.
I started yelling at him an spanking him and told him to clean up the mess and the neighbors heard and I saw someone walk by (we live in the mountains so we all have acres) but I still saw them walking around the fence and they’re nice people we are cordial, they text me and I text them to check up on each other. Sometimes I just hope that they would call cps on me because I’m sick of this kid! I know they won’t though which is good. But I can’t do it! Respite care was mentioned by my coordinator but never any information. Everyone I have tried to reach out to says I’m too isolated and far. No one is willing to come and drive an hour or more up into the mountains. I wish I never became a mom. I wonder why I got cursed sometimes. I don’t have the patience. I don’t have the home. The ability to finish school or work like before. Social security didn’t even approve me, they denied me and I tried to request for an appeal.
I think the toxic household makes it worse for me to have more patience as I’m running off fear of them getting upset at me and me not being able to enjoy things other parents can do. Even a simple picnic day and I can’t do that because all he wants to do is run to the street and he cries so we leave.
Idk what to do and I feel I’m depleted in energy.