u/Extension_Dark9311

This fucking pains me.

I’m so tired of it.

These days it’s all about box ticking and preaching inclusivity, mental health first aiders etc but then they do nothing to actually learn or understand what that means.

I put my upmost effort into masking myself all day, I try my very best. But then if I slip up once a day, it accumulates until it’s eventually brought up to me and honestly, there’s nothing I can fucking do about it.

They want me to nod and agree and say ‘yes I won’t do this again’ but I cannot help the fact my brain works in a different way and uses verbal processing.

I notice I get told off a lot in jobs for getting stressed and expressing it or’ bringing down team morale’ so for example, a manager overhears me expressing some stress to a work colleague and their answer is ‘this isn’t helpful or productive, you should just come and ask one of us to help’… or another instance is where I run and ask a question that I realise seconds later I already know the answer to, wasting peoples time and showing I’m not focusing.

I cannot change these things about myself! They are innate to my impulsivity and verbal processing and I’ve been shamed for them all throughout my 30 years of existence.

Living with severe adhd is painful, it really is. I’m tried of the trauma

Gosh, I really am struggling. And I can’t talk to anyone else anymore, everyone is sick of me and I don’t blame them.

2 years ago I was in the happiest, most secure spot of my life. I was on medication, was training as an RVN (registered vet nurse) in a great clinic, had finally found a hobby that I was obsessed with (bouldering) which was like a moving meditation for me. I was living with my partner of a few years, seeing friends when I could. Living in Manchester, where I’d been for 10 years. This city felt like home in my bones and I adored it.

Then I got pregnant. I figured I was in the best point of my life and I wanted to do it. Me and my partner tried to find a house in Manchester but they kept falling through. Since we are both from the same hometown, we eventually decided to move back there and buy a house there, we figured the family help would be Invaluable. (It wasn’t, most of the time they just make things worse) I figured I was strong enough to take whatever life threw at me.

I feel like I fucked up.

What has ensured over the last 18 months have been the worst years of my life and it destroys me to say this.

About 6 months after having my baby, I started trying to take my adhd medication again but realised it wasn’t really working. I started getting a host of scary symptoms I’d never had before, zombie like exhaustion that no doctor took seriously, panic attacks that seemingly came out nowhere, dizziness, heart palpitations, headaches, just feeling not right. I had the darkest times of my life through some of those months.

It was around this time I also tried to return to climbing, after much eager awaiting. After trying it though, I was met with all these bizarre symptoms like atypical migraines/headaches that I’d never had before. I had to stop going.

After about a year I worked out I had a pretty severe iron deficiency and it made a lot of sense. I’ve since been trying to correct the iron deficiency but it hasn’t been as easy as you’d expect, a specialist told me once it drops down very low it can be hard to get back up, it’s as though a debt needs to be paid on the body. I do now have an IV iron ifnsuoon booked. Tbh the whole thing has made me feel absolutely crazy and doubt my own sanity.

I also got a new job (my second ever job as an RVN) 6 months ago. Now, I nearly failed my 6 month probation as they found out I made a few mistakes (not life threatening mistakes but bad enough).

Im a wreck. I can’t even look at old photos of my past anymore without bursting into tears. I feel like all in one go, I lost a place that felt like my home, I lost my adhd medication, I lost a job where I finally fitted in and felt valuable, I lost climbing which was my meditation and my connection to my inner and outer strength. I also have been suffering back to back illnesses that again, I’ve never had before! Likely due to being around a toddler. I’ve had bacterial tonsillitis, norovirus and now I have sinusitis. I cannot catch a fucking break.

I feel like my poor partner can’t take anymore of this either, he’s so supportive and amazing but how much more can a person take Yano?

And worst of all? Not a single person understands this grief. It feels so painful. I feel like I’m going to now lose my career along with any shred of confidence or independence I have left.

I just need some words of wisdom, some support, anything!!!! I need to know this will be in the past someday