How does one deal with anxiety and depression simultaneously?
I’m a 43 year old executive who honestly should have nothing to complain about. However instead I find myself stuck unable to move past this feeling of being a failure. I feel like at any moment the house of cards will fall and my life will come crashing down. I wasn’t always like this at least from what I remember but the new norm for me is a constant feeling of falling. That sick feeling in my stomach and my throat that I can’t seem to shake. No matter what I do in my life it’s never enough I’m never enough. I have two beautiful children and a stay at home wife since I make more than enough to provide for them. I do travel more than I’d like to and life is tasteless. I enjoy nothing my kids are growing up yet I’m never present even when I’m physically there. I have zero confidence anymore in my job, as a husband, as a leader, or as a father. I honestly want to give up and just end my life and I would if it wasn’t the feeling of being obligated to provide for others. The pressures of work is unbearable so I find myself only doing the minimum and procrastinating on everything. I have no desire to work which is how I have defined my entire existence. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Physically I’m in pain from scoliosis and it’s only gotten worse but I’m still standing. Yet I do nothing to make myself stronger it’s like I’m paralyzed and stuck in motion. I have zero friends at this point only colleagues who I work with. I get to travel to some near places yet I just do my job and then go sit by myself or go back to the room. I’m so very tired I don’t even know where to start. So is it selfish I just end my life?
I read this and thought this is exactly how I feel.
“Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends but hate socialising. It's wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It's caring about everything then caring about nothing. It's feeling everything at once then feeling paralysingly numb.”
I’m sorry I’m just rambling at this point but I wish I could find the support I need. It’s clear I can’t help myself to be at the state I’m at.
If anyone has any suggestions I’m in KC and would like to find some resources or support before I get worse.