Slowly thinking about suicide
It's been a long journey in a bad sense. I think i am depressed, 25 M by the way, honestly i do not know what to do, i have ideas but even so everything seems so dark and so disgusting that i think i should just die already. Sorry if don't elaborate understandably, english is not my main language and i'm terrible with words (and everything else). I see a lot here having a count of time of their depression but i personally find difficult to do such thing because i've been always like this, a lonely and depressed loser. I have limited "options" and my energy is so low to take them because they will not work. I thought about therapy but i have low money and last time didn't work much, but it is the only way i have to talking with someone about my problems, everyone says that you must reach and talk about it but honestly to me at this point all that empathy and understanding is more like fantasy, or at least for someone like me, the only way i have to have that, is to pay someone, my relationship with my family is not very well, we do not understand each other and whenever i'm with them i constantly think about dying, i tried talking of it with my best friend, but he's a stern and closed minded guy with strong conservative worldview, the talk didn't end well and i don't feel like seeing him again so far. I always think about dying, i got a job again so it helped at first, but now i got to the same point, i constantly feel the need to die and slowly it is getting stronger, i haven't made strict plans but everyday i think of this and more and more i can see this become real, i have a place were i would do it, while low I have money now so the next would be to get a gun. I would erase all my accounts and get rid of my stuff, do also some stuff i want to try before bidding goodbye and finally do it. I don't want to because i know this would hurt my family but i see no hopes, i don't see myself in the future, i don't even see myself past 26, i think this is my life now and i better just go off soon....