u/External-Second-1882

F18 here, I found out I am autistic this year and since then my mental health got even worse.
I realized that I am not weird, I am just different and that really affected me in a bad way?

I feel alone, like it’s me against all the people I have around me.
All my life problems, every relationship I needed to end was because of my social struggles and my differences of thinking, It feels unfair.

Why I can’t be normal? Everyone dislikes me because I am so akward, I am tired from masking and tired from all those meltdowns I have in school.

My parents look at me with disgust, because they wanted a cute sweet daughter who would have rich social life and a boyfriend and many different things

Instead they got an autistic masculine lesbian who is a loser and a loner and doesn’t go out from her house. My mother HATES ME for that, she hates that she can’t relate to her friends who have super feminine beautiful daughters and go out

I feel like it’s my fault I feel this way and even my current girlfriend hated me before my diagnosis, she hated how akward I was and even ditched me for her NT friends.

I feel like it’s my fault that I am this way and I don’t know how to accept it.

Autism just makes my life a lot harder.

F18 here again.

I ask this question because I don’t have good experience with teachers since I was a kid and especially when I was undiagnosed.

This post can be considered a vent and contain sensitive topics so I recommend to leave it if you are sensitive for school bullying by teacher and kids.

I was diagnosed this year,
I am still in school and I plan to go to the university to learn about Math because I love it so much.

But when I was a little kid in primary school my experience with math was being destroyed because of my math teacher who was at the same time my supervising teacher.

When I was little I was already gifted in mathematics, I would calculate so fast I would answer instantly, I would learn ahead of others but the problem started when open math tasks appeared.

I thought differently from others and had troubles with understanding the problems because mostly it had some weird lore behind it.

The problem wasn’t that I couldn’t get a good answer, the problem was that I did it differently than people in my class and I was slow. But my teacher didn’t care and still gave me the lowest point possible

So around 5-6th grade my grades were so bad I stopped learning math. I gave up on my passion that made me happy.

That teacher started to demonize me, told me I am stupid, started to embarrass me in front of the whole class,

She would take me to answer and spend the whole, WHOLE LESSON just ashaming me „How can you not understand this question?! are you f*cking stupid?!” and I was crying like crazy while trying to calculate something I just couldn’t.

Also I remember a situation where I was being pushed by a group of boys and I pushed them back, and then that teacher screamed at me for being crazy.

It got so bad I fell into a depression and then she was acting so sweet and manipulative that I actually trusted her for a second and told her everything involving my life.

And what happened next? she called all of my classmates parents and told them to make their kids go away from me because I am „bad influence” :)
I was 10 btw.

She hated me so much because I was „different” from NT kids but never actually thought why, maybe if she did I would’ve get diagnosed earlier.

But then Covid arrived and I could just relax without seeing her in person I was still super bad at math but atleast I wasn’t humiliated like crazy.

Then Middle School arrived and I escaped from her and somehow fixed my relationship with mathematics and now I am very happy.

Of course I still have bad experiences with teacher but now atleast I know it’s because of my different process of thinking.

But now the main problem is that I don’t use a notebook because I can learn only from hearing.

TLDR :

Since I was a kid my math teacher was bullying me to that point I got depressed and she made my classmates stay away from me.

The problem with that teacher started because I thought differently from others and had autistic traits that I didn’t even know about because I was undiagnosed at that time.

Thank you for reading and please share your experiences! ❤️

F18 here, my girlfriend is NT and our relationship had many problems before my autism diagnosis. So she is highly sensitive to this topic.

Recently her friends (that i don’t really like) started to tell her their boyfriends are soooo cute and they bet they have autismmmm because they are so sillyyyy, when my girlfriend asks them about any signs of autism they just turn it into a joke.

Why is autism suddenly perceived as something silly innocent and very cute? almost everyone I know in Europe also starts to call cute people „autistic”

Everytime I just sit there and watch this cringe show because what the heck am I looking at even and hearing 😭 No ur boyfriend is not autistic because he likes cats.

I just really hate that I see another autistic stereotype grow that will make life harder for us :)

And I am scared people will not treat real autistic people seriously if they hear something like that everyday.

Any thoughts or situations you noticed like that? or is it just some weird tiktok trend again (idk because I don’t use anything other than reddit)

Please share with your experience! 🙏

This story is very long, im sorry for that. there is TLDR below.

Today I went on a bike trip with my girlfriend, she was mean to me at the start and our destination was my favorite ice cream shop that we needed to drive to for 3 hours.

During our journey we didn’t talk to eachother and there were so many people around that I started to feel really anxious, I quickly burned out and didn’t felt like talking.

After 2 hours of riding I already started to feel like I am going to cry because my legs hurted so much and I was starting to be sensitive to everything but I held it in and kept driving

When we arrived at our destination (ice cream shop) I was already super exhausted and then I saw this huge crowd of people waiting for their turn to order, my girlfriend was still mad at me so she stayed outside while I went into the battle field of screaming kids, small talk with ice cream seller and asking for my order while I was already about to cry.

Thankfully I dissociated and ordered it somehow without crying, I went outside as fast as I could and gave the ice cream to my girlfriend, she was still mad so we sat in different locations.

And then it started, this huge feeling of stress, of anxiety, of being overwhelmed.
I wanted to cry I wanted to cry and lay down on the floor but there were like 20 people around me and I felt so embarrassed, I had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide and I felt so annoyed by myself, I felt like I am so little kid an that I shouldn’t feel this way.

I looked around my and saw people just talking and laughing and having the best time of their lives while I was overstimulated by hearing all of their conversations at once, by hearing someone opening the car in the background, by feeling the heat of the sun, by feeling the taste of the ice cream i bought, by feeling it’s texture when i held it, and I was alone even tho my girlfriend was next to me

I quickly wore my loop’s headphones with hope this feeling would stop but It didn’t, I felt so overwhelmed I was just about to cry but I somehow held it in, I was too tired to even close my eyes.

After few minutes my girlfriend asked me to go and I agreed, while we were going she asked why I am crying and I told her „Im not” because I couldn’t even process my emotions. I don’t even know if i felt sad.

We started to drive back to home and I just had trouble with breathing throughout all of it, It was like I was crying but without tears.

We went on the bus and I arrived home and took care of myself but I just feel like shit.

I still didn’t tell my girlfriend that I had a meltdown because It feels so childish, I feel annoying when I explain my weird behavior, it was my first time having a meltdown in public and now I am super terrified of leaving my house, I don’t think I will be able to hold it in so well.

Can anybody give me tips on how to survive during next attack like that? I still feel anxious and I don’t know what to do with myself.

TLDR: during biking trip with my girlfriend who was mad at me I had a meltdown for the first time ever in public near an ice cream shop and now I am terrified of leaving my house, because I feel ashamed and embarrassed of it. I don’t understand how people were enjoying themselves out there while I was being overstimulated by their 5 conversations at the same time, I am looking for tips what can I do during next meltdown in public.

Thanks you for reading and please share your experiences and tips :(

My life saver are loop earplugs,

My Girlfriend bought them for me on my birthday because she noticed how overwhelmed i get because of noise and since then I don’t get burnout so fast in public spaces.

What gadget improved your life? please share in the comments 🙏