I can’t do it anymore
I just need somewhere to vent. I(24f) was with my boyfriend (23m) for almost 6 years. However, we had known each other for over 12 years. I loved him more than anything even though we were toxic. In the beginning of our relationship he would cheat a lot. Never physically but emotionally and it was enough where I left him back in 2024. I tried to move on, but he was my person so we reconnected after 3 months of no contact. We had been back on for almost a year. He tried to be better for me, I could see it in his eyes. But we were having the same old fights and my needs were still not being met. Anyway, I broke it off a few days ago and it was the harder than last time. Partly because I knew there was no coming back, and partly because he didn’t do anything wrong this time. Every fiber of my being wants to scream that I didn’t mean it. I wanted it to be us. But every time I pushed my feelings to the side I knew I was betraying myself. He was all I really had. I have no siblings, no dad, hardly any friends, and a rocky relationship with my mom. That feeling of erasing myself is heavy on my mind. I would never actually do anything but my brain is spiraling. I miss him so much even though I know he would be better for someone else. He said that he hated me and it tore me apart, because he has every right to. I hate myself and I just want to feel alright again.