u/External_Fox_8557

Hey, I recently posted a new short story I have been working on and got advice on how to make it better. I've worked on it for about an hour, and I hope it feels more fluent and connected.

I still have not figured out a name lolll

It was supposed to be a typical school day.  Radio stations played hit songs, interrupted every few minutes by ads. School buses began their safety checks before allowing the children, tired from not sleeping well, to board. Some parents waved farewell; others thanked the bus drivers or said, “Goodbye, love you!” but their words would go unheard. In Fall City, Washington, no one was aware of the disaster that awaited.

The morning of September 14th, 2024, started as a bright and ordinary day, a day that would soon become etched in the memory of every person in Fall City. As children were happily ushered into school and parents hurried off to their jobs, an eerie sound sliced through the morning calm, resonating like a dark omen. It was a loud, terrible noise that sent chills down spines, a discord that brought a wave of shock and horror crashing over the community. 

At first, many were confused about what to make of it; the sensation felt incredibly similar to an earthquake, yet the sound was far more primal. It was as if the world was being split in two. The streets fell silent, conversations stopped, and people looked around as the residents of Fall City collectively grasped what had just happened. That day would mark a memory that stayed etched into everyone's mind, forever altering the lives of those who heard the terrifying sound that changed everything.  

The normal weather broadcast talking about possible thunderstorms quickly changed to a breaking news headline.  News anchors scatter like flies to a bright light, but the bright light isn't just a metaphor; it's real.  In the town's centre, a giant football-field-sized gash had been torn into the ground, as if a beast had gone mad.  Noises that could only be described as primal scratches echoed out and poured onto the streets.  The radio station that was once buzzing with music cut out, and an eerie silence fell upon the town. A primal sense of fear started taking over the residents of Fall City.

In a high school classroom labeled A4, an environmental science class, a boy sits quietly, his mind processing the surrounding sounds. He glances at his classmates. Angela, seated across from him, looks confused and distraught—who could blame her? Meanwhile, the twins, Sammy and Justin, who usually sit in the back, have completely transformed. Gone are the days of their annoying arrogance; dressed in matching designer outfits that once screamed ‘look at us,’ they now sit side by side, looking utterly terrified.

The once quiet neighborhood, known for its close knit community and friendly faces, began to change in unsettling ways. Families that used to gather for summer barbecues were now seen fortifying their front yards. Neighbors who once shared tools and baked goods, exchanging hellos over the fence, were now preparing for what could only be described as a war.

In stark contrast, the loud neighborhood previously thought of as a hub of criminal activity revealed a different side of humanity. The familiar sounds of laughter and music, once only reserved for the quiet neighborhood, echoed through the streets as bodegas remained open, providing free water and discounted food to anyone in need. Just an hour prior, the homeless were often forgotten and left to starve, treated as if they were invisible, but now neighbors stepped up, offering them shelter and warm meals. It was a welcoming transformation, as people who had once hurried past each other now came together to connect and show kindness, revealing a truly heartwarming side of humanity amidst the chaos.

TBC

Hey, I recently posted a new short story I have been working on and got advice on how to make it better. I've worked on it for about an hour, and I hope it feels more fluent and connected.

I still have not figured out a name lolll

It was supposed to be a typical school day.  Radio stations played hit songs, interrupted every few minutes by ads. School buses began their safety checks before allowing the children, tired from not sleeping well, to board. Some parents waved farewell; others thanked the bus drivers or said, “Goodbye, love you!” but their words would go unheard. In Fall City, Washington, no one was aware of the disaster that awaited.

The morning of September 14th, 2024, started as a bright and ordinary day, a day that would soon become etched in the memory of every person in Fall City. As children were happily ushered into school and parents hurried off to their jobs, an eerie sound sliced through the morning calm, resonating like a dark omen. It was a loud, terrible noise that sent chills down spines, a discord that brought a wave of shock and horror crashing over the community. 

At first, many were confused about what to make of it; the sensation felt incredibly similar to an earthquake, yet the sound was far more primal. It was as if the world was being split in two. The streets fell silent, conversations stopped, and people looked around as the residents of Fall City collectively grasped what had just happened. That day would mark a memory that stayed etched into everyone's mind, forever altering the lives of those who heard the terrifying sound that changed everything.  

The normal weather broadcast talking about possible thunderstorms quickly changed to a breaking news headline.  News anchors scatter like flies to a bright light, but the bright light isn't just a metaphor; it's real.  In the town's centre, a giant football-field-sized gash had been torn into the ground, as if a beast had gone mad.  Noises that could only be described as primal scratches echoed out and poured onto the streets.  The radio station that was once buzzing with music cut out, and an eerie silence fell upon the town. A primal sense of fear started taking over the residents of Fall City.

In a high school classroom labeled A4, an environmental science class, a boy sits quietly, his mind processing the surrounding sounds. He glances at his classmates. Angela, seated across from him, looks confused and distraught—who could blame her? Meanwhile, the twins, Sammy and Justin, who usually sit in the back, have completely transformed. Gone are the days of their annoying arrogance; dressed in matching designer outfits that once screamed ‘look at us,’ they now sit side by side, looking utterly terrified.

The once quiet neighborhood, known for its close knit community and friendly faces, began to change in unsettling ways. Families that used to gather for summer barbecues were now seen fortifying their front yards. Neighbors who once shared tools and baked goods, exchanging hellos over the fence, were now preparing for what could only be described as a war.

In stark contrast, the loud neighborhood previously thought of as a hub of criminal activity revealed a different side of humanity. The familiar sounds of laughter and music, once only reserved for the quiet neighborhood, echoed through the streets as bodegas remained open, providing free water and discounted food to anyone in need. Just an hour prior, the homeless were often forgotten and left to starve, treated as if they were invisible, but now neighbors stepped up, offering them shelter and warm meals. It was a welcoming transformation, as people who had once hurried past each other now came together to connect and show kindness, revealing a truly heartwarming side of humanity amidst the chaos.

TBC

I can't tell if my short story is good, and I don't trust AI to tell me whether or not it's good. I genuinely want whatever feedback bc I'm trying out new things like writing.

I also can't figure out a name.

It was supposed to be a typical school day. The weatherman started his morning broadcast with, “Good morning, Seattle. Today, expect heavy rain and possible thunderstorms in the upper east side, extending down to downtown.” School buses began their safety checks before allowing the children, tired after the morning, to board. Some parents waved farewell; others thanked the bus drivers or said, “Goodbye, love you!” but their words would go unheard. In Fall City, Washington, no one was aware of the disaster that awaited them or the horrors they would soon face.

The morning of September 14th, 2024 would be a day no one could forget.  As children were welcomed into school and the parents went to work, an eerie sound echoed across all of Fall City. A loud, unmistakable noise. One that brought shock to many and horror to many others. Many didn't know how they knew what the noise was; it felt almost primal, like an instinct or a part of their brain that's been trained for this exact moment.  The noise of the earth's crust cracking open, as if it were a soda can that got shaken too fast before popping open.  

The normal weather broadcast changed quickly to a breaking news headline.  News anchors scatter like flies to a bright light, but the bright light isn't just a metaphor; it's real.  In the city centre, a giant football-field-sized gash was torn in the ground, like a beast had gone mad.
Radios went silent as the people working stopped to watch the news.  The last song to play was “One Way or Another”  

In one specific high school, a classroom labeled A4, which was an environmental science class, a boy sits still, realizing what the noise was and looking around to view the other classmates' faces. The girl sitting across from him, whose name he did not know, looks frightened and scared.  The twins that always sat in the back of the class, whose names he did not know, are acting completely differently.  The once annoying and arrogant twins look utterly terrified.  The other twin looks like a direct copy and paste.  How ironic.

The once quiet neighborhood that was praised for its togetherness and community started showing cracks.  Neighbors were seen throwing guests out of their homes.  Others were seen gathering weapons to defend their front yard from their own neighbors.  The neighbors that celebrated Christmas together,  the neighbors that borrowed everyday objects like scissors, were now getting ready to fight each other like a messed-up game of color wars.

The once loud neighborhood that was considered full of criminals showed the opposite: bodegas stayed open, giving out free water and discounted food.  Neighbors offered shelter to the homeless who, not even more than 1 hour ago, were ignored and walked past like ghosts, and were finally treated with humanity and respect.