u/ExtraDrop7405

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. We met online and since the day we met irl, we became inseparable. I love him and think we survived many things together. I feel loved by him, i know he loves me. I usually spend weekends at his place. The other day i woke up early but he wanted to sleep in, so i went and grabbed his phone, just to keep me entertained in bed. I know it’s bad that i go through his phone, but he is okay with me doing so. He has nothing to hide and i don’t have suspicions or anything. I fully trust him. It’s just a bad habit of mine… So, i decided to look through his camera gallery, like from a couple years back to see pics of him. He had short hair before we ever met, so i wanted to just look at photos of him. I was just scrolling and something caught my eye. I couldn’t understand what i was looking at, so i clicked on it. It was his ex girlfriend, recorded from the back on the bed, with him doing the act and recording it. I can’t fucking describe the horrors i felt. I just stared at it and tears rolled down silently, while he peacefully was sleeping, knowing nothing. It was the girl he had dated before me, and the date of the video was around 6 months before we started dated. I just didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t feel jealous, but it was something heavy on my chest. I deleted the video on put the phone down. I didn’t say anything. Maybe an hour later he woke up and made us breakfast. We ate, watched some tv and stuff. I didn’t even know how to bring up something like this, what was i supposed to say? I’m %100 sure he recorded the video, and then forever forgot its existence. I have no doubts about it. He is just awfully forgetful. But i couldn’t understand, how can someone be so fucking irresponsible? Also, he is always saying “let’s record a video” during sex, but after i saw that he did this with his ex partner too makes me feel nauseous. I can’t really express myself freely as i want, i hope you can all understand me. It was before me and none of my business, i know that. But how can you even forget that there is a video like that on your phone? It makes me feel disgusting. We talked a little and he sweared that he has no memory of if and if he had remembered he would delete it. In my head, i know he is telling the truth, but my heart feels so heavy. I don’t know what to do with this feeling. I want to erase it from my memory. I don’t want to get intimate, especially in that specific position with him anymore and I don’t want to feel resentment. I’m typing it here because i have no one else to talk to. I don’t want to talk to my boyfriend about this. I just want forget it forever, pretend it never happened. If i had the chance, i’d go to couples counseling with him, but we can’t right now as we are both students. How would you get over this?