I might have a crush on a girl and I don't know what to do
I'm 21 (F) and only very recently I've started university. Just for some context, I'm very open minded about people around me or people in general having different sexual orientations, I don't love them I don't hate them, I'm very much neutral, I do NOT care if my neighbour uncle is a drag queen; however, I myself have always been straight for the last twenty-one years of my life until a few days ago.
I saw her in orientation first, let's call her Sam, and the first impression had been nothing but neutral... i saw her, she was eccentric than others- brown big hair, pretty but forgot she existed. A few days later, our class started, even then I felt genuinely nothing... just she was standing near and to make conversation, I said 'oh tomar chul er smell onek shundor!' She smiled, and that was it. and then i saw her socials.
In all honesty, I was intrigued because she just carried herself very differently from the people I'm used to... I'm tall, and as a girl, I usually try to shrink away from the attention I get from it, and she's around the same height as me in heels, and she carries it so gracefully.
Anyway, that day after class, I found her social and checked it out, and I was absolutely flabbergasted. sam did not care. i will not explain the pictures she posted, only that they were beautiful and sexy, and by that day i had already built a habit of checking them out from time to time.
until like three to four days ago, the neutrality changed.
Honestly, I didn't think much of it- her socials, I mean. I just found it very surprising because Bangladesh e meyera socials e usually ami kokhono dekhi nai onek bold outfits pore- khub beshi hole shirt and stuff, the usual western stuff, but this woman went all out, and I respect her for the confidence. like i said, im very neutral about people around me. keu bikini porleo amar kisu ashe jay na, keu niqab porleo amar kisu ashe jay na.
But then oidin sam was with my friends and me, we were eating in front of the uni, and I looked at her, and for a flash of a second I imagined what it would be like to kiss her or hold her or smth. I think that moment, my brain short-circuited, and I haven't been able to go back to normal ever since that day. eta oidiner kahini and I tried to stop thinking about it, feeling gross about myself. i couldnt look at myself in the mirror.
er porer din uni te jeyeo i tried to be normal around her.. and hoenstly? i was. i was scarily normal.
another context here is- ami shara jibon girls school college e chilam, so friends anything bolte ami shob meyder kei buhi, im more comfortable around them than guys obviously, so whenever i think of a potential lover or smth, i always imagine a guy because of course i have never talked with them that much so they were like this mystery and girls were comfortable so jokhoni amar kono chele crush lagto amar mone hoto je oitai shob.
akhon last 3 4 din dhore ami etar meaning ber korar try kortesi... or ashe pashe thakle amar onek normal lage, infact amra tui koreo kotha boli, but then mjahe moddhe peripheral e ami ter pai o amar dike takay ase and my heart starts beating so fast.
shomosshatai ekhane. ami jehetu shara life meyeder around e chilam and never felt like this- jokhoni ami Sam er ashe pashe thaki, i feel like 'what if ami jeshob feel kortesi ogula performative?'. Because im used to girls... i feel comfortable with her ALONG WITH this feelings, and amar shomosto crush e chilo chele. amar bhai ke ami erokom kichu akta ak time e bolsilam, and he was like 'Modern meyera akhon shobai lesbian act kore for validation'.
ei kotha ta amar mathay atkay gese, and I'm genuinely scared that I feel like this because subconsciously I feel like amar validation lagbe ejonno ami Sam er jonno egula feel kortesi? like somehow im gaslighting myself into liking her in order to modernize myself or smth... but how- how can i even fake what i think, right?
now i dont intend to tell this to sam ever at all, nor will i bring religion into this, but i need to know what all of this is. help me pleas!!