To me this idea that we are strong and brave just for existing as trans people it's kinda sketchy, idk it just doesn't feel like it describes my experience, however, at the same time I sometimes feel like I'm too coward to be trans, either openly or not,
I'm still trans of course, everyone at my job knows I'm a trans man, but I feel like, so fucking nothing, misserable and small, not only because I am short and look like I'm 20yo at 31, it's how people treat me as if I'm a teenager, it's how I know they see me as a woman, is that I don't want to "act" masculine because I am not! but at the same time I feel like a liar and a clown for saying to myself I'm a trans man and not wantitng to "put the effort" to act masculine, because again I am not that masculine!, I am still kinda femenine, I'm not talking about my face or body but how I act with people and alone, and I hate it and I hate that I hate this part of myself so much, it's like I'm too femenine to be a man but before I was too masculine to be a woman? and I know these ideas and biases comes from a stupid place I'm aware of that, but as with other stuff, to be aware of it doesn't make it disappear.
When I meet other men and they ask stuff about sports, or they ask if I'm into football, wich is super popular and common to have as a hobbie if you are a man in my country (Mexico), and I say I don't like it, I see how they react to that and it feels like I'm a fucking failure, like I know it doesn't make me a failure but it still feels like that 😞 like it's impossible for people to see me and treat me like a man.
The thing is, the tittle of this post: I feel like a coward for being this sensitive about all of this, sometimes I think it shouldn't affect me this much, and that's why I feel like I'm too coward to be trans, because the stuff that I can't simply make disappear about society and how they see me and how they treat me even not knowing I'm trans shouldn't affect me that much right? idk I look into trans people in the past, or even today but in other places of my country and I see how strong they are, strong in "spirit", and then I look at myself and I feel like a stupid puppy afraid of harmless shadows and noises. no wonder why I have always been the perfect target for bullies even at 31 fucking years old 💔
^(note: please don't suggest me to go to therapy, I've been in therapy I've seen different psychologists and I feel like therapy doesn't work for me. thank you anyways if you read me.)