Hi
Don't really know how to write or even what I want to say. So sorry for the everywhere-and-nowhere writing. I'm currently in my bed while my 2yo boy sleeps beside me, whispering crying, for God knows how many nights. I'm 34, last year I was with the father of my baby, looking for daycare for my kid, I I could go back to work, when my father had a health crisis that needed my daily assistance. So when he got out of the hospital I came to his house to help while (the plan was) I though what arrangements we could do for the new reality, and my then boyfriend (who I thought was like my partner) just ended things and left me to care for my baby and my father alone. I felt so alone that first month, I ugly cried everyday feeling sorry for myself.
No work, no partner and no family to help and share the burden. My father was an alcoholic and left too many scars on me and my sister, so she decided she wouldn't do much more to help him. She visits sometimes and that's fine I guess.
I've always struggled with depression and pregnancy with no meds really took a toll on me. Postpartum depression lingered and I can't even tell what's what, if it ever ended, and I'm with just my "normal depression" or if it's everything or nothing. I take my antidepressants. All the meds I can, that can help, that the eventual doctors can prescribe to try to help, be more effective and all... (Unfortunately a psychiatrist consultation here cost ⅓ of a minimum salary so it's not really something for every month yk)
Anyways. There is more sad boohoo things I'm not saying just so this is not too long, 'cause I feel the actual thing is less "the sad things that happens" and more "the sad whiny person" I am.
I just... Can't not feel sad. It's not like I don't feel happiness. But it just... Doesn't stay. I feel happiness in certain moments. But the overall theme is that unwashable sticky hateful "why-dont-I-just-die" feeling.
So... I just wanted to read some stories of people who, like, got over the depression. Not necessarily "things are good", but "I AM good". You know? Something to hope for.
Thank you for anyone who could share